speaking of butter

this is one of the reasons i think my mom should come to japan...precut butter slices! my mom loves to freeze food, cut it into slices, or divide it into individual servings. many years ago, i was going to make grape juice popsicle cubes for summer, so i turned a full ice tray over into the sink. as i ran some hot water over the cubes, instead of melting, they began to turn white and solid!! what the...!? she had frozen egg whites into individual servings!
i've seen her slice a Snickers bar into slices and enjoy every one slowly. she never needs very much of a treat because she makes it last insanely long. that's perfect for japan! small treats in abundance!


another reason she should visit is something called annindoufu. i've been in japan two years, and i've only just discovered it. though it doesn't look like much, it's paradise in a plastic cup. imagine the smoothest, not-too-sweet, almond-flavored panna cotta, and you're getting close. a kind of tofu pudding flavored with apricot seed oil, it is my current obsession.


and finally...clothes that fit tiny people! when i was young, i wanted to be as tall as my mom because she seemed taller than most of her women friends. when i outgrew her by three inches, i realized just how tiny she really is! she's also thin with narrow shoulders...the perfect body type to find ample wardrobe choices in japan.

hmm...not to mention the joys of japan's cleanliness stratosphere. like me, my mom could truly appreciate how spotless every hotel room surface is, since she's the one who raised me with such a keen eye and hunger for the immaculate. in fact, the japanese word for beautiful, kireii, also means clean. beauty = clean. mama, this country was made for us!

naughty dandelion

i just thought this was cute, especially when the little girl gets kind of exasperated...like, "this was fun, but sheesh, so much work!" i feel that way sometimes.

occam's razor

i'm having one of those weeks where you hear a phrase or concept for the first time in ages, and then you keep hearing about it from completely different sources. in this case it's occam's razor. i don't have anything to say about occam's razor, but everyone else seems to. and i like the word razor.

today was the kind of day we all need from time to time. an awesome day. thanks to kjersten, i am completely obsessed with a japanese tv show called Hana Yori Dango. it's a very affecting love story about hot, rich, high school guys and a scrappy, lovable "poor" girl named tsukushi. caught up in the "love is in the tv air" mood, i decided last night to dress up for school today.
i twisted my hair up into barrettes when it was wet and slept my way to curly hair, old school. then i fluffed it a bit, put on a dress i've worn to school several times before, and threw on some gaudy fake pearls that came with one of my lolita dresses.
the result: RIOTS. i caused a scene in every room i entered today! i had boys hiding around corners yelling "CUTE!" and showing their thumbs-up while peeking. they're in high school for heaven's sake. i had girls dragging their friends down the halls from other classes to gawk at me, and even the teachers had to pick their jaws off the floor. i must look like craaaap most days if that's all it takes to blow them away. however, the dress was also red, definitely shocking next to the black and navy uniforms. naoko told me i looked like fireworks! one junior boy, takeki (or "lauren's brother" as he asked to be called in class!) made me pinkie swear i would return to japan after visiting home this summer. i loved every minute of it.
it was also like magic juice for my most difficult class (largely full of rugby boys) who were the most docile i've ever seen today. the tides seem to be turning in that class, finally. i like to believe i'm winning them over, but it could be that they're maturing on their own. either way, it's nice to see some of the rude boys actually paying attention and asking me for help. they'll turn into sweethearts yet.
to be honest, i dressed up partially to prove to everyone that i can be cute, but especially to remind one mr. sugar that i have some sass. he looks painfully good every day (i definitely don't remember him dressing up every single day last year), and i'm tired of feeling tired and dull by comparison. take that oh-hot-one-who-always-understands-my-english-but-doesn't-have-the-guts-to-talk-to-me-anywhere-but-at-parties! ha!

all is not lost

i keep suddenly remembering random pictures and documents forever lodged in the guts of my broken hard drive, and then consciously letting go of them emotionally.
and then miraculously finding them elsewhere!
one of the pictures i was sorry to never be able to revisit was that of my self-portrait just seconds before my very first class.
this is how i felt:


you'll notice i'm wearing a white shirt, in the calm, dead center of a heat hurricane, humidity at like a thousand percent, with my nerves to top it off. i essentially stepped out of the air conditioned office and swam to the fourth floor. as class wore on, i was sweating so much that my shirt became less and less appropriate. my own ill-timed wet t-shirt contest. as sean joked later, "they came for class, but they stayed for the show." that shirt has been hanging in my closet ever since.

The Great Butter Famine of '08

that's right. japan is out of butter. butter.
i was wondering what was happening! the last several times i've gone to the store, i wondered why i couldn't find it. i just figured they moved it. but no, they're just out. i don't understand all the circumstances (something to do with russia's willingness to pay more for butter, and a glut of dairy in hokkaido several years ago leading to disposal of the means to make more, aka, cows) but the bottom line is less fun on my baked potatoes and no more scones.
i admit, i was tickled when i first heard--who could imagine such a ridiculous shortage? to most, butter is an important but not vital ingredient. the fact that it probably heralds more dire shortages is disconcerting, though.
apparently a teacher at my school got wind of this problem early and stockpiled a big supply before the stores were out. i wonder if she'll start a basement butter business for those hard-up bakers?

the new face of horror

friday i was checking the progress of my potted herbs. supposedly mint is an ant-deterrent, so it was strange that they were still crawling all over my seeding cilantro (which is in the same pot as the mint and rosemary), but it didn't seem like a big deal. i put out an ant poison trap to control the problem. however, when i read that ants can clear the way for other pests, i decided to investigate a bit more closely. cue fascinated horror.
you know those scenes in One Hundred Years of Solitude and The Poisonwood Bible where babies are devoured by fire ants? it was like that. when i lifted up the herb pot to see underneath, i found the cement black with live ant bodies. they poured out of the pot's hole in glittering, crawling waves. i wanted to hurl. then i wasted them with an entire can of freeze spray until there was nothing moving.



UGH!

five facts about the girl

1. i'm attracted to guys with big heads. this accounts in part for my attraction to many famous men like gerard way, billy corgan, vincent d 'onofrio, and non-famous men like the starer (you know who you are) and x-charlie. perhaps it's an innate need to balance my long skinny head with a broad one.
the smell of engine oil and gasoline on a man's clothes can stop me in my tracks. it's definitely a turn-on. and why share this news with the world? why not? i like knowing specific personal details about other people.

2. i'm left-handed, and i harbor no small amount of lefty pride. being left-handed broadcasts a predisposition for creative ideas and good style without saying anything at all. is that going too far? ;) i always notice when actors on TV use their left hands, including Simpsons characters. consequently, vincent d'onofrio, michael stipe, and my new favorite big-headed rocker, david cook, are left-handed.
not long ago, the left hand was considered evil and deviant in japan and america alike. however, now all the japanese kids know the term "southpaw" for some bizarre reason.

3. i don't like drinking cold drinks out of mugs. the textures are wrong together; somehow the cold beverage makes me uncomfortably aware of the thickness of the lip of the cup in my mouth and any irregularities therein.

4. my favorite songs are, without fail, the ones whose titles i hate most. this is a pickle. being an unabashed word nerd, i have visceral reactions to words and would really prefer to like the songs whose titles i find clever or beguiling. however i usually listen to those songs and find them inane or banal, whereas the songs with lame names rock a lot harder. additionally, no matter how much i love an artist, i can't listen to songs, even ironic songs, that have lyrics i find painfully corny such as Nanny Nanny Boo Boo (shudder) by le tigre and Teenage Love Song by rilo kiley, which prominently features the word "dissed" (convulsion).

5. i still think of colors in terms of their crayola crayon names from my childhood...midnight blue, plum, cornflower, cadet blue, thistle, salmon pink, carnation pink, goldenrod, raw umber, burnt sienna...

they stood up for love

happily i didn't lose this photo The Day The Hard Drive Died because it was saved on my blog, so i will happily post it now. when a subway ad stops me cold...

i slept like crap for my butterflies

well, i might as well put this in here while it's still fresh and before it's ruined by the disappointment that characterizes these situations usually. last night i went out to dinner, yakiniku to be exact. once kara or i has suggested yakiniku, there's pretty much nothing that can get in our way of having it. when we got inside the restaurant, i saw a very cute teacher who worked at my school last year, but has since been transferred. i thought maybe he was sent very far away, so i was happy to see he was still in town. i waved to him and his group. kara and i sat down and began our meal, and i heard my name several times, which was somewhat curious. it seemed to go beyond, "that was a girl i worked with last year." he also tried looking over at us a few times, but i kept kara in my line of sight so i wouldn't be distracted.
we finished our meal and got up to leave. i went over to their table to say goodbye, and i asked if they were all friends. they said yes, they were on a volleyball team together. everyone was a little flushed from the beer. i asked where he worked now and he said a junior high in the next town. i was like, "well, great, see you later." i got up to leave and put my shoes on, but they called me back over. i paused and he rushed over with his phone. he was like, "can i have your number, is that ok?" i was like, "sure," so i pulled out my phone...thinking we would be sitting there figuring out what numbers and mail addresses to send and how, but he just took my phone from me and typed his number into it and then called his own phone so it would log my number. then he gave my phone back in a whirl, shook my hand, and said something about next time.
even when he was first coming over to me, i didn't think anything of it, but the fact that he seemed so nervous and in a rush to get my number (in front of his friends) gave me a big shot of adrenaline, and i walked out on shaky legs.
be what it may--for all i know he wants english tutoring or another volleyball team member (i am tall)--i was completely thrilled by the moment. it's rare that anyone makes any overtures at ALL, so to feel even for a flash that he had a crush on me was totally worth it.
the adrenaline took way too long to wear off, and i slept like crap.

consider me your cautionary tale

unlike the first time i had computer troubles, there was no happy ending to this week's story. my computer froze with no warning, i turned it off to reboot, and that was the moment i kissed all of my data goodbye. like a paranoid, antisocial hermit crab, my hard drive disappeared in a dark corner and refused to be found no matter how i jiggled and pried, coaxed and bribed, and implored its maker.
in the apple store, naka broke the news to me simply and gently, "your hardo-doribe is broken. all your data is gone. i'm sorry." i had prepared myself for that and i nodded. however, facing the actual loss of everything, the abduction of my memories, the evaporation of my pictures, work, and history into lost 1s and 0s, suuuuucked. in starbucks, over a weird chicken salad sandwich laced with legumes, i couldn't hold back tears.
hilariously, i have been vigilant in backing up my downloaded television, so i may have to recreate every work file i've made in the last two years and retake all 400 pictures of my students, but at least i can watch Law & Order when i'm done. i have been trying to have a "barn's burnt down, now i can see the stars," attitude about this, but my eyes are still adjusting. i don't feel nearly as pathetic as i did this weekend, and that's largely due to the good company i enjoyed in the aftermath. i met some good people at fern's house, and they allowed me to talk too much and make them laugh, which i needed to take my mind off winkie's demise. another immeasurable relief is that blinkie, my ipod, is healthy, so my 30GB of music are safe for the moment. that's the only thing keeping me from madness as the hours after work stretch out in a cacophony of silence.
i have had the opportunity to re-examine how i was spending my time and consider how much more productive i could be if i didn't spend most of it watching youtube. i picked up the lace knitting i haven't gotten around to for months, started an immense book, and have given some serious thought to making some art again. as i am still down one computer until next weekend, we will see how fruitful i continue to be and if the direction of my life changes for the better. but in the meantime, say these words with me, "hard copy, back it up, save to the web."

nerds hit rock bottom

yesterday i received the first installment of my Foreign Buyer's Club order, so in an effort to have a special celebratory american-foods-only lunchtime, i opened the nerds candy i have been saving for the past five months. slight problem. the box isn't airtight, and it's clear the nerds are not what they used to be. a far cry from the glossy, crunchy explosions of concentrated sweet-tartness i love so well, they are dull, puffy, soft, and splotchy like a hollywood starlet after five years of hard drugs and anti-depressants. at least my amy's organic burrito was magnificent and deliciously americany. i also ordered some palmolive dish soap, which actually Cuts That Freaking Grease, just like it says. i've gotten used to it, but the dish soap here is mostly useless. now it's like my birthday every day--clean dishes!

my secret path

i love finding secret places. since i was a little girl, i've always loved looking for places to hide, not because i am afraid of being pursued, but maybe because my ultimate desire is to be found, searched for and found, by the right person. that's why i love that line in The Cure's A Night Like This, "i'm coming to find you if it takes me all night;" i love to be looked for, and hiding also makes me feel protected and intimate with the space that surrounds me.
when i was in high school theater, i would sometimes slip behind the expansive and sometimes rickety sets, into tight corners of darkness that smelled like sawdust and paint and old curtains just to listen for a while, just to see if anyone would miss me. i can fit into places people think no one would go. it's like being held securely. for someone with as much nervous energy as i have, it makes me feel calm and anchored in a way i normally don't.
i knew it would take time to uncover the secret places in my town, but i've kept my eyes open for them. imagine my surprise, then, when i heard a rumor that a trail behind my own house led to a boulder overlooking the town. i had to find out. i also love a good lookout. what i believed was a trail to someone's house (as i could see a gate at the top of some steep stairs) was in fact the head of that very trail. there were some houses there, once, but the gate is the only thing that hasn't fallen to ruin.


one saturday morning curiosity overtook me. i didn't even change out of my pajamas, but edged up the trail, body tense in anticipation of what i'd find. honestly i was ready to turn back at any moment if i came across too many cobwebs or snakes, but nothing spooked me, so i kept going.


at the top of a steep climb, the trail met a narrow road which led to a wider trail and a mobile phone tower...romantic. past that, though, the trail narrowed to a jungly trek following the ridge. it became clear that the view must be pretty spectacular, only the foliage was too high to get a glimpse.
i finally reached a crack in the base of a huge boulder with a knotted rope hanging down. i figured climbing it would lead to the view i sought, but i also had gone pretty far in my pajamas, and i would prefer to do any climbing with a companion in case there were troubles, so i called it a day.

several weeks later, i convinced kino to join me, and he invited a few other new teachers, so mayumi came too.
we stopped at the first place where the trail opens a bit. i planned to return alone to sunbathe here until a teacher mentioned that dangerous wild boars roam these woods.


we climbed out of the darkness and into the sun. coming up over the top of the rock, the world fell away in the most spectacular panorama of my town i've ever seen.




to the right, mountains.


to the left, open sea.


the view from below.


i feel like i've uncovered a key feature of my neighborhood, and it only took two years.

the turbot is ill-smelling

i have several excellent resources i use for translating my students' japanese into english, and this year i asked them to write down one word or phrase they would like to be able to say in english. the results i got were incredibly varied and interesting, some funny, some personal, and in the process of researching the best way to say them in english, i learned a ton.
one of those resources is an online translator widget by Systran. far from perfect, it at least helps me get a rough sense of long sentences, as it usually translates verb tenses correctly. however, occasionally the resulting english sentence is completely random and hilarious, hence the title of this post.
for those who care, my other resources are Jim Breen's invaluable and exhaustive online dictionary, this kanji dictionary for my Nintendo DS, and the internet at large.

now a sample of those things my high school students have a burning desire to say:

English: old-person smell guts idiot cumulus floccus cloud rhinoceros beetle cat-lover three rolls of belly fat once-in-a-lifetime encounter when i close my eyes i can still see you on the back of my eyelids.

Japanese: karei kusai shoukaki aho hitsuji gumo kabuto mushi aibyouka sandanbara ichigo ichie meo tojireba mabuta no urani wa kimi ga iru.

definitely entertaining, and i have loads more to translate!
next are a few of the myriad things that have been making me snicker lately.

the worksheet awards:

generally japan is innocent to the history and implications of this statement.

a little too honest?

notice the last topic is food

a t-shirt in tokyo

the R/L distinction is a hard one for many japanese people, which is why this honey is for my yogult.

rain boots: manly condoms for your feet. grab your mandom!

this is my kitchen hand towel. normally placid rilakkuma (who is by definition relaxed) looks quite cross after an unintentional smudge of chocolate gave him a new eyebrow.

man i hate it when that happens! the last thing i need is a bunch of baby hands running around getting all grabby.

i don't know why, but i found this completely hilarious at the time. maybe they'll come in handy when my hand starts breeding again.

and finally, the most recent crack-up catalyst. bone marrow!? for invalids!? gross.

rear view mirror

ah, 4:25-4:27 pm. the crucial moments when my peaked motivation to work out loses the match against an aggressive desire to curl up with some hot cocoa. the cocoa wins again.
this week marked the first Wednesday of Endless Exhastion. i haven't had a day of four classes since my first year here, and then i was just trying to keep my head from spinning off. now i'm supposed to make a more meaningful contribution, and i'm working under some very suspect leadership. yesterday i realized the head teacher, who was making master copies of my worsheet for the other teachers, had copied it with my post-it notes to him still covering it! way to go. the fact that he didn't realize it was more disturbing.

the day started off good with a quiet but attentive third year class. these precious young adults were freshman during my first year, so it's like we've grown up together. now they're chic and sleek and ready to rock. it was downhill from there.
a few teachers i work with still struggle with the difficult "r" versus "l" decision when spelling english words and end up writing stuff like "crass member" on the seating chart and expect me not to take that as an innuendo. my students' papers were interesting too, as they always are. i got "i have a god named popo" for the dyslexic or possibly heretical prize of the day. one student told me he has a pretty おしり (butt), and since one boy wouldn't fill out sentences about himself, i wrote on his paper, "my behavior is not good," and "i am girl-crazy," which he then had to read to the class for the game. fun times!
after that class, i was so exhausted i practically fell headfirst into my lunch...and i still had half a day to go.
the rest of the week wrapped up quickly, and on friday afternoon i got to join a japanese painting class...as a student! though watercolor is not my strongest medium, it felt amazing to get my hands dirty again. i am now an official member of the class and must answer roll call with, "hai!"

it's getting drafty in here

well, the internet at school is messed up, meaning i may or may not be able to post this, and there doesn't seem to be any option for adding pictures. not really sure what's going on with the old information superhighway, but i just found out from the surprised look on my partner teacher's face that she wasn't expecting me in our lesson, so i officially have nothing to do for the rest of the day, lucky!
consequently, i have way too many drafts of incomplete entries languishing on the outskirts of my consciousness, so i'm trying to get around to them.

bad news of my week:
☹ i guess i accidentally rented a movie for less than one full day, somehow. that means when i turned it in the next day it was already late. not a good deal. this bothered me immensely because i had a sneaking suspicion that the emphatic clerk was trying to warn me about something, but i couldn't understand him. then i turned in the movie as usual, and hours later received a call from probably the same clerk that my video had been late. the poor guy--the conversation was positively monosyllabic on my end as i tried to wade through the polite language and get to the bottom line. i answered in confused grunts and random english words that floated uselessly in the air like invisible balloons.
the bottom line: he wanted 260 yen for his trouble.

☹ crocs threaten to single-handedly ruin the fashion sense of japan. i have seen hot twenty-something men in full, fabulous, cutting-edge suits wearing ORANGE crocs not once but twice this week. i don't care how comfortable they are, people, they make your feet look blobby and cartoon-sized. ugly! ugly! ugly!

☹ i have a cold sore. i guess the stress of not teaching for four blissful weeks is getting to me.

good news of the week:
☺ i looked up how to say "yesterday i turned in a video late." so when i returned to the rental store, i looked like an old pro with the late fees, and i had a spectacularly simple interaction with a different clerk who collected the fee, and (for once) i didn't look like an ass.

☺ i planted a mini herb garden and some flowers. rosemary for stew, cilantro for mexican food, mint for mojitos. carnations for the smell, and black pennie nemophila because i've never seen such an exquisitely simple black flower. now i just need some basil.

☺ my new friendship with kino, which might have been reduced to enkai-only behavior, seems to be going somewhere. i mean, the guy is like a new breed entirely. i honestly have never met a japanese guy like him. i am floored by how completely unintimidated he is of me. finally some guts! finally someone i can harass. :) on a similar note, me and mr. wisteria have a nice daily dance around the elephant in the staff room. at least the jumping away from me is over, and he seems to be going out of his way to be cordial. just yesterday he kindly told me i should wait inside the office for my fellow teacher and to please take a seat and relax. he's good at being attentive, but i fear i will never see anything more of who he is. shame.

muffin top

thanks to diminishing inseam lengths of jeans and the ineffectiveness of belts on such styles, i realized i have unconsciously divided my pants into sitting pants and standing pants. sitting pants are safe for work and crouching on tatami, standing pants are hot but must be rocked on foot, only on foot. japan is not cool with errant panty bands. side note: the pendulum swings both ways, though, as high-waisted jeans are once again gaining popularity in japan. horrors!
friday was the yearly school barbecue under the cherry blossoms, and i decided i needed to go home and change my jeans unless i wanted to reveal to my new colleagues the plunging curve of my bottom cleavage. not exactly the first impression i wanted to make. since the young teachers i know well are gone to different schools, i was feeling a bit dejected and socially awkward as i tried to find a ride. i felt like such a burden, and i thought several times of just skipping it altogether.
but......last year it was so rad! it's hard to make a barbecue formal, so everyone was really relaxed (read:drunk) and you know, people are much more likely to tell you their secrets under a dark sky. whose secrets could i learn this year? so i bit the bullet and boarded the party bus. i mean, literally, i got on the bus bound for the party. i went straight to the back and met a young newbie named kino. i know many kind and generous japanese folks who would walk a mile to do you a favor, but i would still not describe most of them as warm. kino is warm. his lack of aversion to sitting next to me (and touching me) was truly unique. it was like his third day in town, and he went to great lengths to make me, a perfect stranger, comfortable.
mind...blown.

much to my disgruntlement, i ended up at the same grill as mr. wisteria. i prepared myself to be actively ignored, but, what's this? he's looking right at me! i only had to wait four months for him to get drunk enough to talk to me again. in short, we really have good times when we have times at all. he told me he learned the word "yummy" from sesame street! this guy is like 34 years old, and he remembers learning english from sesame street? did they air sesame street in japan? the mystery of mr. wisteria grows and grows. he even told me his favorite character was big bird! ~_~
i stand corrected, apparently sesame (whoa! i keep typing "sexame") street has been in japan three decades. i found this tidbit particularly amusing, "A few established Sesame Street characters also appear in new segments, most notably Elmo, who in the Japanese series has a propensity to cry and is used heavily to deal with emotional issues." hahaha! no, Tickle Me Elmo here! it's Wet Blanket Elmo for japan.

anyway, i romped around with all my new friends, lit with glee that i finally got to talk to mr. wisteria again. maybe, just maybe, we can manage to talk again without beer or awkwardness. the party adjourned, i got back on the party bus, and we headed back to school. i followed kino to his friend's house where the guys argued over who was the most sukebei (lewd) and hentai (perverted). haha...just like last year. after a consultation with my electronic dictionary, mr. templetail told me that the girl sitting next to me had "big boobs." i couldn't resist; i taught him to say "nice rack!" i know, i'm sorry everyone. i could have taught him to say something respectful, but it was just so damn funny to hear him chirp "nice rack!" over and over again.

the weirdest festival i ever loved

many cultures have fertility festivals, right? right.
i was convinced (internally kicking and screaming) to attend the hōnen matsuri, or "fruitful year" festival, more accurately dubbed the penis festival. what can i say? curiosity got the better of me, but i was expecting lewd and obnoxious behavior from the crowd, so i planned to hang back and pretend like i just happened to be four hours north of my home on a saturday morning.
feeling silly getting off the train, i trudged after the streams of people with angie and kjersten, but i was soon disarmed by the atmosphere. i think everyone, japanese and foreigner alike, were just curious and a bit shy at the prospect of facing the centerpiece of the festival: a ten foot long wooden penis-in-a-shrine (much like pigs-in-a-blanket). naturally i had to take a picture with it. who would believe me?
the side view.


up close and personal.



the tough part behind us, we descended on the food booths with passion. never in my life have i met a potato i didn't love, and never before had i met a potato i loved more than the fried spiral potatoes i found there.


the memorable sculpted, chocolate-covered bananas.



my favorite part of the festival was definitely just sitting in the sun watching sheepish japanese guys suck on their blue penis-shaped suckers.


a grinning old man took polaroids of us with the impressive phallus which printed on mickey mouse paper, naturally. walt disney turns over in his grave.

strange but true, shocking secrets revealed

i used to be funnier.
oh, that's not the secret. i just read back through some of my older posts, and i'm disturbed that lately my writing hasn't been up to my own standards. this is something i've been exploring, and i had an emotional crisis and breakthrough in the space of a week. nothing like tears to water the soil for a new beginning. and perfect timing; it's gorgeous outside!


well anyway. here are a few things i've learned about those sharply-dressed, brisk-walking paradox-makers we call the japanese.
disclaimer: i am uncomfortable, even in jest, making generalizations about an entire people, but suffice it to say that overwhelmingly i've found these things to be true in my particular town. when i say "they," i do not mean to make a huge chasm of otherness, but simply to point out some things that are funny and seem odd from my perspective. without further ado...

-+- they don't refrigerate eggs in the grocery store.
-+- they wear face masks to prevent the inhalation or exhalation of contagions, yet even when they aren't wearing masks, they will cough and sneeze all over [you] without covering their mouths!
-+- they change into special bathroom slippers, presumably to keep bathroom germs confined to the bathroom, yet i swear, they do not wash their hands after using the toilet!
ok, it seemed like there were more, but that's all i can think of for now. you guys can contribute any i forgot about...

speaking of toilets, the one at school recently got a makeover. this is like the answer to a billion unspoken prayers. the bathroom itself is still frigid, but now the one western-style toilet has a heated seat, yeah baby! also, to prevent the constant flushing to mask bathroom noises, each stall now has a coveted sound princess.


the control center for our new butt spa. and you thought toilets were simple! here are two different control panels that do exactly the same things: wash the front, wash the back, dry, flush. believe me, the only button i tried was "flush" but it didn't work! wail! what's the point of a butt spa if the flush button doesn't work and you still have to turn all the way around to push the handle; that's not relaxing!
i'm sure you have a burning desire to know exactly what the sound princess acutally sounds like, so here's a video.



what do you think? adequately watery? do you have to go now?
even though the bathroom overhaul included the installation of brand new soap dispensers, guess what? no soap!

spring fever

i found out this morning that springplum has linked to my blog, for which i am always thankful, and i believe it's the first time from a perfect stranger: thank you! now i feel the need to write something new in case someone new actually *gasp* reads this.

day 5 of spring break. i have 7 more hours to sit at school getting numb-butt, and then it's weekend again, YAY! last weekend i took a much-needed trip to the big city. irish sam, as he's called in these parts, had, over deafening bar noise, told me about an edvard munch show in kobe, and we decided to go. since i divorced my paints about two years ago, i haven't spent much time looking at art, and i sorely needed it.
i travelled to kobe alone. i guess i'm growing! six months ago i wouldn't have dreamed of travelling in japan alone. i adore riding trains in japan, but i detest lugging overnight bags around. how is it that no one else ever has luggage on the subway!? ok, it's not true, but somehow they make it look a lot more graceful, like they've packed their satchels with balloons. baggage makes my already persistent feeling of being in the way even more vivid, so when we passed osaka castle park, alight with spring sun--perfect weather to spread out under a tree and read for a bit--i didn't dash for the door but thought too hard about it and then the opportunity was past. i could have gone back, sure, but i also wanted to GET RID of my bags, so i went onward. i guess my spontaneity is a little rusty.
the suited young man sitting next to me smelled like mangoes and medical supplies.

i checked into my favorite hotel chain, the toyoko inn.


i opted against the advertised massage, as i had no desire to have my legs crushed by a giant fist.



i browsed two versions of a brochure: one for men who obviously love blue, and one for women who surely love pink,



i looked out the window,


and then i headed out unfettered to explore kobe and find dinner. having no clue where to go and feeling tired and perfectly happy with a cheap dinner and some hours to myself, i did a tour of family marts (there were four within sight!) for dinner, and then settled into a starbucks. starbucks and i have a turbulent past. for one, i wore the green apron myself, and though i loved the people i worked with, i despised the corporate coffee atmosphere (and product) so i avoid them with a vengeance in the states. however, for all my fellow coffee snobs, i have had some of the most divine foam in all my life from starbucks in japan. they can make a good cappuccino, which is all i ask.
i wandered the streets for a while, feeling more or less perfectly safe. that is, until a foreign guy i had passed on the street followed me to a dark stairwell and chose there to ask me if i knew where to find an internet cafe. i said sorry, no, and kept walking. "oh, so you're not from around here either?" "uh, no." "well, do you have some time to hang out then?" "no." he obviously picked up on my blaring get away from me body language, because his next comment was, "don't be scared!" and then he told me his name was james. well, sorry james, don't stop me in a dark stairwell and i might be more willing to chat. is it betrayal to feel much more suspicious of foreign guys than the general popluation of japanese guys?

the next morning sam and (a different) james found me, and we went to see munch. turns out i don' much care for munch. if only it had been schiele or even klimt...ah well. the most exciting part of the museum for me was the stairs.



james left us in osaka, and sam and i chattered like children about macs and music. it's been a long time since someone has comandeered my ears and shared music with me that i actually liked. we wandered the streets of silent neon and loud crowds with his ipod giving shape to my steps. but i was getting tired; we had several hours to waste before meeting jamie for dinner, and how on earth were we going to find someplace to sit down and have a drink when it was too early for the bars? the answer is always karaoke! it was exactly what i needed: a drink, a padded booth, and a microphone. we sang our guts out for two hours and then filled them with mexican food.

the half-life of humiliation

i had meant to write about this back in december, but as things did not develop as i hoped, i was feeling less than excited to share until, of course, i came up with a catchy title.
every december, most companies and schools throw large year-end parties for their employees. the party is called bonenkai, literally a party to forget the year (and a party to forget the party itself too, as you'll see later). at my school, they're overnight affairs that do not include spouses.




this is the one social event of the entire year where most people let themselves drink too much, and naughty behavior is forgiven. this is one of my favorite nights of the year because many people will spend every other day avoiding me like a cancerous rat, but finally, after enough tiny beers, they will get up the nerve to chat.
we were a little late, so we arrived after the speeches and were able to dig right in. not bad! after many people had refilled my beer glass, and i had reciprocated, we had the challenging Drunk Bingo in Japanese Numbers. then we all circulated and chatted and drank. i ended up at a table with the famous mr. M and another man, i'll call him mr. wisteria. mr. wisteria and i had never talked. i thought he was interesting, but he doesn't hang out with the other young teachers, and i imagined his english was not good. but mr. m skittered off, and suddenly we were talking! his english was much better than i guessed, he was asking me questions, and i was enjoying myself immensely. we made a few jokes, and he mentioned wishing to practice english more. i had many burning questions of my own, but alas, suddenly the party ended, and he was compelled to help out some very inebriated companions. just as he left the room i swear he said, "see you at shinbashi (a restaurant)...i hope..."
well! how nice.
after that, me and the two office girls took a cab to a karaoke bar and i had my first really great time at karaoke. i was extremely sad to have to leave after only an hour, but the onsen at the hotel was going to close, and we all definitely needed a bath. the place was really beautiful too, with outdoor pools, and the air temperature was perfect for soaking.
thinking i was on good ground with mr. wisteria, and wishing to encourage future conversation, i left a little note in his mailbox before i left for christmas just saying i had a good time and would love to talk sometime. apparently this = marriage proposal if i can gather anything from his behavior since then. when i returned from the states, i was thrust through a time warp into middle school when boys who liked you ran screaming, or at best, pulled your hair and snapped your bra.
we locked eyes uncomfortably, and after that, things only got worse. when we met in a doorway, he actually fell all over himself to get out of my way in the style of a frightened rabbit being pummeled with red hot spoons. after such a nice conversation, to cause such hysterical agitation stings a little. it was like he had no recollection at all of our nice talk. i don't care if he's gay or has a girlfriend; i just honestly wanted to talk to someone new. but i forgot men and women are not friends here.
so now it's been over three months, and what i want to know is when will this feeling of bewilderment and awkwardness fade? how long is the half-life of humiliation!?