the quietest day of the year, or: unbreak my heart

the time has come to say goodbye to the third years; graduation was saturday. with all the friendships i've made this year i knew it would be really hard on me, and it was! a large part of the difficulty is knowing i may never see or speak to them again; i'm not very good at never. i had a lot of satisfying goodbyes, though, and one last chance to take pictures.
the ceremony itself was much different than mine in high school; short and sweet. each student's name is called and he or she stands up and bows to the principal. diplomas are not handed to each student, and there is no clapping. supposedly only the mothers make an effort to come. one of my favorite students scandalized the entire auditorium when instead of answering "hai" when his name was called (apparently the only acceptable response other than silence), he answered, "hai~~~chu!" which is a kind of taffy candy. the number of gasps and murmurs that circled through the room made me snicker. it seemed like a pretty harmless kind of rebellion to me. he was forced to submit, though. they repeated his name until he answered satisfactorily. i wanted to clap him on the back and say, "come to america. you'll do well there." of course, maybe that's why japan remains so safe; rebellion is not tolerated unless it falls neatly within the boundaries of acceptable deviations.

just a few of the allstars

me and the girls


me and misa


me and hakuma (of the, er, haichu fiasco)


mizuki and the basketball club


me and takayuki

after four hours of last goodbyes, i crawled home emotionally spent.

seemingly every single day of the year there are students coming and going tirelessly from the school. band practice, sports practice, extra studying, or just hanging out with friends, from dawn on the weekends to hours after dark weekdays, there are always sounds emenating from the school. the day after graduation was so utterly without sound, it was like time caught and held its breath all day. i felt alone in a hollow world, but it was good to have that silence to let my bittersweet mood ebb away naturally. later in the day, feeling lonely and needing some sun, i drove to a park to sit out and read. what i didn't expect was how packed the park would be. melancholy doesn't mix well with happy kids playing ball with their dads.
i settled down on the edge as far out of the way as possible, but i felt as silly and out of place as a sad clown. the sun couldn't dissolve the chilly breeze either, so after thirty minutes i crept away.

happily, i have many dear second years to keep me company next year, and some spunky first years too. one such fellow, after announcing several times that he loves me, filled out his final one-on-one "job interview" sheet with answers that really surprised me (note, he asked me if they were ok, and i said sure). i wondered if he would have the guts to say them to my face when the time came...and he did! i play the interviewer and the student is obviously the interviewee. read on:



notice my next line is, "that's good to hear." at this point we both lost it and started laughing. finally he got up to leave and reached out to shake my hand, but he used his left hand, and i was boggled for a moment (after all, i've gotten used to driving on the left side of the road). i recovered and explained we always shake with right hands, and with one final, "i love you," he slipped back into the classroom.
thank you, sweet boy. it made my day.

schnozz-a-doodle?

today in my profound boredom i took a quiz to see what kind of dog breed would be ideal for me. on my eventual return to the states, i have a dream of finally committing myself to an animal. a cat is more likely, but i'm sure i'd also enjoy the companionship of the right kind of dog. i know there are some funny names of crossed breeds out there, but as i scanned the list, it got more and more ridiculous:
muggin (muggle dog?), dorkie (that's not very nice), havamalt (coffee blend?), peke-a-tese (that's almost a stripper name), and of course xoloitzcuintle (prescription medecation?).
but wait! there's more: schnocker, english boodle, eskapoo, foodle?? pekepoo, poovanese, pugapoo, schnoodle?? snorkie, torkie, weeranarian, poogle!?
are we sure we're not just making a silly poem about someone's nose?

the best 40 bucks i ever spent

since last winter, i have lamented^[1] the fact that every single window in my house is made of rippled privacy glass, not clear glass. when the windows are closed, it's like being blind. i hate it. in the winter i feel like my mind and heart are held hostage, and it's been slowly paralyzing me.
this year, i decided it was a priority to get the glass changed out, and i've been desperate to do so. i had one teacher working on it, but it'd been weeks and i had heard nothing. (for heaven's sake, i even dreamed about it). finally, after sighing about it to yet another teacher, she actually stepped right up and called a glazier^[2] to get some prices, and she didn't ask anybody's permission. the prices were more than fair--about 70-90 dollars, definitely worth it for some sanity. a hopefulness i haven't seen in a long time exploded out of my pores. i chattered excitedly about waking up and having tea in the morning, actually being able to see the day, watching the trains go by, and looking at the rising sun^[3]. we seemed set to go: i knew how to get the windows to the glass shop; i knew how much it would cost; i knew how long it would take. tired of high (or even moderate to low) expectations dying with a plummet into frustration and despair^[4], i planned to go straight after work. the same helpful teacher made the mistake of mentioning these plans to the office. then the office gutted and dismembered my hope. i was told they had been unable to reach the landlady for permission during the past three weeks and that i shouldn't do anything until she had been contacted. after the (almost exact same) experience last year of trying to get screens for my house and being made to wait five months for something i could have easily bought and installed in less than a week, that news pushed me over the edge. in a move completely unlike the obedient and respectful girl that we know, i went straight home and took out the window, drove to the glass shop, and had that thing changed. it cost forty bucks.

then i was riddled with guilt.
and overwhelmingly pleased.
it was very confusing.

however, i was granted mercy. the next morning, the landlady gave her consent, and no one was the wiser. i had the second window replaced that evening, and now i have a stunning view. that first night i sat in the dark wrapped in a blanket and did what i've ached to do for eighteen months. i watched. i watched the clouds slide over the moon; i watched the headlights crawl like shadows across the school buildings; i watched bright trains shoot sleekly in and out of mountain tunnels. i watched the quiet night.

^[1]
wailed about to anyone who has every stayed at, eaten in, or imagined my house.

^[2]
never, ever thought i'd use that word.

^[3]
not directly of course. that causes blindness.

^[4]
known as the japanese tango. the steps are simple; your superior tells you, "i will ask every person's opinion in this school and maybe a few of my relatives in another prefecture, and until it's unanimously decided how we should treat this issue which is none of our business, you will have to sit on your thumbs and wait.

carry the zero

after dreaming last night that i had just been sent to jail for four months, i decided i needed a treat this morning. for breakfast i broke out the french bread and boursin cheese. i discovered boursin this year when danielle brought it to my thanksgiving party. after two days of cooking and two strong martinis, all that went through my head when i tasted it was, "MORE!" that may have been the only thing that escaped from my mouth too. it tasted amazing on toasted bread with sliced tomatoes, probably the best breakfast i've had this year. the only drawback is morning garlic breath--yech!
i too have been struggling with the winter blues, but i'm trying to keep my spirits up. the writer's strike in hollywood is over; that's cause for great celebration! i'm not sure i could go on without my weekly transfusion of Bones, Numb3rs, and [Psych, Law and Order Regular, CI, SVU, Chuck]... so i watch a lot of tv. it, uhhh, keeps my english current.
the weather is getting better finally, and the days aren't getting dark until 6pm now. the endless japanese school year is grueling, though. how do they ever feel really rested? i never do. but this morning as i walked through the actually warm sunlit morning, i was reminded that the winter will not last forever, nor will this long lonely season of my life.
i just turned 29, the age my mom was when i was born. weird, because though i've always wanted babies someday, i've never wanted them now until very recently. in reality, babies are still probably a long way off for me, but it's nice to feel more confident of my adult status. it's nice to feel capable of raising children. i don't want to do it alone, though, as my mom did. so i wait.

不思議の国のローレン, or: my creativity is lost on them sometimes.

this morning i rolled out of bed, put on some pants, and basically went to school in my pajamas. this is a secret pleasure of mine; it's like getting away with something. i imagine it's like having an important business call in your underwear. i am particularly fond of the way my sky blue, long-sleeved shirt smells when i've worn it to bed for a few days, and i got no small pleasure from sniffing it throughout the day. i have to wear so many layers to stay warm anyway that no one can really tell what i'm wearing.

i've been assured by many people that this winter is much colder than last, but this is news to me. i figured it was only possible to adjust to one end of the spectrum, and since i made peace with the heat last summer, i was dreading the cold. could i have adjusted to that too? it seems unlikely, but i haven't spent nearly as much time hovering over the kerosene heaters, nor have i felt the need to ingest my weight in hot tea, which actually works in my favor because it prevents as many trips to the glacial restroom.

lately i've been reading leno's humorous headlines until i'm gagging and wheezing with laughter. this is probably not the best use of my time at work, but it does manage to put me in a very good mood. the teachers around me, unable to understand what's causing my convulsive (and no doubt annoying) laughter just cock their heads curiously in my direction and go back to their work. this is my ammunition against constant interruption, department politics, and the recent dispiriting covering of all the windows. [they're scraping and painting our building for the next two months, so we're stuck in a cage of scaffolding and translucent film.]

after eighteen months of making dialogues with imaginary people doing imaginary things in imaginary places for my english classes to use as speaking practice, i recently had one of my team teachers approach me with a concern. in my most recent dialogue, a job interview, the HR manager of Sony interviews a student for a graphic artist position. she then tells the student to report to work wearing black jeans and red heels (i was feelin' saucy when i made it).
my teacher voiced his concern, "ah, I'm worried that for sony, this isn't realistic. sony would never have a person wear something casual like jeans."

... !

many thoughts raced through my head, but i finally stuttered out, "well yeah, it's imaginary."

pretty maids all in a row

my time hasn't all been spent stewing over my job. actually, i've had buckets of fun lately. just last weekend i attended our monthly knitting party, witnessed an actual snowstorm (my first in japan!), and rocked the city for the first time in one of my lolita dresses.



shut up! look at all that snow! i couldn't believe it.

i headed to fern's house the next day and made it into my girly base of operations. you wouldn't believe the amount of luggage it requires to carry all that fluff! early (ok, it was 11) monday morning i dressed up in fake hair, fake eyelashes, sass, and a three-person entourage and hit nagoya with some badass femininity. daniel, the obliging photographer, enjoyed people's reactions even more than i did. that's the thing about japan. you can get away with wearing anything. plenty of people didn't bat an eye, but i'm one tall dolly and hard to ignore.
at one point i came face-to-face with a japanese lolita who didn't know what to make of me. she stared me right in the eye, puzzled, and i just smiled. we made several trips through the busy station as we searched for a place to stash my stuff, so i enjoyed a lot of attention. we found a guy emptying the only available coin locker, and i flounced up and asked if it was ok that i took it. he looked pleased, flustered. he could barely get out the words, "just a moment." then a last look and a breathless, "goodbye!"
finally we got out on the streets where fashiony guys who hand out ads and usually ignore me as hard as they can were throwing themselves in my path, eagerly smiling. maybe i should take that outfit out more often.
we made our way to the epicenter of lolitas--an entire department store floor devoted to the different brands of lolita haute couture. we checked out the dresses and mandy and fern started to catch the lolita contagion. they each left with a new dress and plans for more outings were excitedly discussed. i am ridiculously pleased.

love sniper

valentine's day traditionally comes at that time of the year when you've really hit the stride in your winter depression--on the fast track now! but i just wanted to share this little gem and send you all some love.

can't fight the seether, or: hugging my grudge

i'm sure you are wondering what decision i made about next year, yes?
after hours of laborious pro and con weighing (and having completely opposite "gut" feelings depending on the day and circumstance), and when my head felt constricted to the point of implosion, i finally chose roots over wings and signed over my life for another year. that means i will be a JET for as long starting now as I've been until now. i'm sitting on the halfway mark.

i made this decision in spite of several things that have come to light recently, namely that i may be forced to entertain my special needs students once a week (rather than once per month) without even being asked how i feel about it. i seriously love those students, but each hour-long class requires at least seven hours of planning and preparation. where would i get that kind of time and energy every week!? the teacher doesn't speak much english, and we have very convoluted conversations that tax both of us.

i already teach 15 hours of class per week, three different grade levels and with an average class size of 30 people. i am involved in almost every step of planning for these classes including curriculum development, lesson planning, grading, and testing. unlike many people in JET, my school actually puts me to use. the regular schedule allows me to form friendships with my students and encourage them personally. that's the most rewarding part of my job.

mainly i fear that if i was sent to the other school, the four upperclassman classes i teach would be seen as less important than the six freshman ones and would be sacrificed due to my more limited schedule. that would kill me. freshman classes are brutal, and my upperclassmen keep me laughing. i have a history with them, and i finally get to see the kind of people they are growing into. their english level is higher and we can do more diverse and challenging lessons. i love them!

i was told secretly by another teacher that my new interim supervisor had been asked if it would be a problem to send me to the other school once a week, and without even asking me about it, he said, "no problem." i've never felt more like property. i see he hasn't wasted any time in using his power for evil.

don't worry, though; knowing all this was initially infuriating, but i did eventually come around to looking for the positives. maybe my class load would be reduced, and i could have even more time to plan creative lessons. maybe i wouldn't have to teach with my supervisor at all. who knows? i tend to be decidedly attached to my routines, but it isn't always bad to have them changed. regardless, the next year is absolutely my last in the inaka.

today, as i faced my morning freshman class, i had a renewed sense of how amazing it is that i get to stand up in front of these young people and hear what they have to say. i lose sight of that sometimes, but it's a gift that can't be taken away, even by a supervisor without my best interests at heart.

leaving is never free

i'm reinstalled in japan.
however, for the next month i will be immersed in the roiling pot of What Should I Do In The Immediate Future? in other words, should i renew my contract for another year in japan or leave when my current contract ends (July)? everyone in JET is currently steeping on the same subject. you experience highs and lows with new significance: your trash gets rejected because you didn't sort it right and you write off the whole country, "I can't deal with this!" then your neighbor gives you a bag of her fresh garden tomatoes and you have a great night of karaoke with friends and you wonder how you could ever leave.
i won't enumerate all the things i have to sort out for my particular road, but i will tell you that schools' staffs can change significantly from year to year. every april teachers are shipped off to new schools, usually after they've been in their current position for three years. no one knows until then if they will stay or go. then there's a quick exodus and influx, and school begins anew.
as i'm sure you know, the people around you can make or break a job. my very favorite japanese teacher and friend could be ripped from my side in three short months, or she could be mercifully left in my life. i'm like a child waiting to hear if i've been orphaned. i know for certain my friend harue will move and get married at that time. a few months after that, most of my non-japanese friends will also disappear into the Rest of Their Lives. i've been trying to imagine just how lonely i'd be if the worst happened, if i was left almost completely bereft of these friends; the idea haunts me. i really need these people, especially so far from home. i know new people would come and take some of the sting out of the transition, but dear friends are always irreplaceable.

the night before i left to return to japan, mom and i watched neil gaiman's Stardust. for some reason, losing my imagination in that fairytale world for a few hours briefly reminded me of how terrifying it was to begin this adventure. japan once again felt very far away, and i felt very small. but i dutifully got on all those planes, and somewhere in the middle of the three-day travel twilight zone, i felt my courage returning.

regardless of the hell you went through to get there (the bermuda triangle of flights between denver and san francisco, broken baggage carousels, mysteriously absent skywalk operators who leave you stranded inside a tin can with sweaty travelers slavering to get out, four-hour delays due to freak san francisco typhoons, et cetera), arriving in japan is always amazing. even though you feel as though someone stored your body inside a cardboard box for twelve hours, you finally arrive at a spotless, efficient, kind, orderly, safe, colorful, magical island of fun. they turn your suitcases on the baggage carousel with white-gloved hands so you can easily find them, they usher you through the now-required photo and fingerprinting line quickly and with none of the humiliation you would no doubt experience if trying to enter the US, and you are out the door and on the ferry in thirty minutes flat.

as i walked to school today, my first day of class this semester, the refreshing, chilly breeze lifted the hair off my forehead and i looked up to the sourrounding mountains as i often do, and all i felt was grateful. i never would have believed i'd be lucky enough to get an adventure like this...in the midst of a land so unfamiliar, another home.


but leaving is never free, and i miss this mightily.

watership down

i'm heading home for a little holiday visit. talk to you when i get back!

pictionades

this morning was rainy, and i walked to school in all black and brushed into tiny phosphoresent blue insects flying slowly as they shared my umbrella. i thought they were fireflies, but i just looked up fireflies, and they're not. it's still finals, so i have a lot of free time. instead of rushing to eat my breakfast, i've been bringing it with me and eating it all morning long. it's cold out, so i don't want cold breakfast. ever since my lifelong love affair with cereal ended my third year in college, breakfasts have been a challenge. today my fellow teachers chuckled at how japanese my breakfast was: miso soup and onigiri. i never thought i'd get to the point where something wrapped in seaweed and rice tastes just as normal as something between bread. i mean seaweed has a flavor of the sea. that doesn't seem plain enough when you think about it, but it is. this morning's onigiri had steak and mayo inside, so it was basically a japanese-style roast beef sandwich. i've taken to eating much stranger things for breakfast too, if they're around...broccoli and macaroni and cheese, whatever. i just get so bored of toast and eggs. bagels are harder to come by than golden geese, or golden fleece, and my morning creativity ends there.

today was depressing. it's rare i have a truly depressing day in japan, but for some reason, it just was. i sat at my desk and stirred the Big Black Pot of Undecided Futures. i tried desperately to sort out something clear about staying or going next year but got nowhere. i've never been so incapable of divining what i truly want. sure, it takes time for me to get mobilized for action, but usually i at least know what i want. maddening!
downcast, i returned home for lunch. tomato soup and grilled cheese cheered me up, as did some time away from my woes in the pages of a book. as i returned to the genkan to put my shoes back on and head back to school, i realized i forgot to change shoes on my way home and walked the whole way in my school slippers! i felt better the rest of the day.

this evening it occurred to me (i'm surprised it didn't much sooner) that trying to communicate here has been like one long, complicated game of charades and pictionary put together. instead of trying to act out or draw "jackhammer" or "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids," you're trying to get people to guess things like, "my lactose-intolerant friend is coming over for dinner, and i forgot to get soymilk," or "this smell reminds me of visiting my aunt in texas when i was little," or "do women or men usually take the initiative in dating situations?" it's fun: a neverending game, and everyone plays!

noah complex, or: the great potato massacre of '07

finally finals! five whole days of sitting at my desk knitting, drinking tea, and getting to go home for lunch, which i've just done. on the way back, i took scissors to that spider ceiling i mentioned yesterday. rather than get all those spiders in a froth by stretching taut their sticky web until it broke, i simply snipped in twain the important threads, and the spiders drifted gently to two sides. problem solved.
japan is constellated by spiders. often they are pretty in their way, clouds of webs flecked by insects so tiny and formless that they look like dark little stars, green arachnid bodies floating in the outer space of visible galaxies stretching from telephone poles or garden tomatoes. but sometimes they are just gross. i rarely kill them anymore; there's just no point. they eat or at least compete for territory with bugs that are even more of a nuisance. i have literally seen a mukade caught in a spiderweb inside my house, and for that i will forgive them a great deal.

anyway, i went to a foreign food store last weekend, and when i came back and unloaded my bags on the kitchen table, i realized i had gotten exactly two of everything. the unconscious effort of shopping has on several occasions revealed to me things about my life i didn't notice before. in college, when i plunked various items from the bookstore on the counter, i realized red was my new favorite color--it was the color of everything i had chosen. i wonder if this sudden need to pair everything is a reflection of my desire to be part of a pair. or maybe i just like to stock up on beans.

i was going to ignore thanksgiving altogether this year and maybe head to tokyo, but it meant so much to me last year that emily planned a traditional dinner when i was still new to the expat business, and i figured some of the new people might feel the same. plus, i travel north constantly; i wanted the fun to come to me. the task of planning the event (and by default, cooking the turkey) fell to me, and it was my first one. i have a teeny-tiny convection oven and a two-burner stove; i was responsible for cooking a 12-pound turkey and enough sweet potatoes, stuffing, gravy, and cranberry sauce to feed ten people. my mom was "cooking by email" the day before...giving me last-minute instructions.
i had to order the turkey online, along with several other things not widely available in the japanese countryside. because the typical japanese refrigerator is about 1/4 the size of a typical american one, people aren't really in the habit of storing whole poultry. when it arrived, i tried to fit it in my oven, and it was, uhh, a little tall. granted, it was frozen solid, but i was sure i was going to have to give it a slight chiropractic "adjustment" when it thawed...
*crack!*
turns out turkeys are more solid than i thought. though i leaned my whole weight on it, cpr-style, it didn't flex at all. i had to buy a special pan that b a r e l y fit in my oven so the top of the turkey wouldn't touch the heating element.

megan came over the night before to bake pumpkin pies. i made mom's fantastic, jammy (my new favorite word) cranberry sauce full of fragrant orange peel and walnuts. i also made sweet potatoes. sweet potatoes deserve a whole paragraph all to themselves, because they are my favorite thanksgiving food. the sweet potatoes native to this land are purple. they're not as moist or delicious as the orange ones, and last year when i tried to cook them for thanksgiving, they turned green in the oven (ghastly), and were dubbed ogre potatoes. not the kind of infamy i was hoping for. only once each year does the local store sell something which resembles the elusive orange sweet potato. i was waiting anxiously this year, hoping it wasn't a fluke, scanning the stores every three days or so. finally i spotted them! in my overwhelming excitement, i bought no less than fifteen potatoes. i felt light-headed with happiness.


megan and i were up till 1am making preparations the night before the party. the next morning dawned too soon, but we got down to business in the early afternoon.
i feel like i've watched my mom wash and prepare turkeys a hundred times, so in a way it felt natural, as natural as cold, raw birdflesh can feel. we stuffed, trussed, and squeezed that thing in the oven and slammed the door!




like a big, 3-D photograph, we had to dodge the top of the turkey with a big foil mask or "turkey hat" to keep the skin on top from burning, but check out the finished product!


the fun showed up, bearing other glorious food and drink, and we had a choreographed toast. the turkey was done on time, cooked through, and i had had two martinis by the end, so i carved like a maniac, literally. megan was an indispensable wingman. get it!? she made the entire three days possible and fun. considering my tendency to be a kitchen dictator, her graciousness throughout the weekend gave me a new appreciation for just how cool she is.

queen for a way

i know you are despondent from my long absence, dear reader, but i intend to rectify that directly. perk up your teary eyes!

it's december. the colors have only just sharpened their exquisite edges on the blunt grey sky and then sliced through it, leaving red and yellow points waving in the afternoon sunlight. the weather has been wavering between golden, late fall warmth and hard, young cold which is more shocking, but less cruel, than true winter cold. i've started leaving my heater on all night, but i'm not quite to the point of cursing the day i decided to move to this country. i did finally take my coats and sweaters to the dry cleaner, something i've only been trying do for seven months or so.

for about two miraculous weeks, i was free of the puffy red allergy eyes, the scourge of my time here. i decided to take claritin to see if it would help (though last year it didn't seem to). after a week, it seemed to at least help me control my insane need to claw at my eyes. sadly i've run out, and already i look like the insomniac bag lady again. i really need to visit an allergist! (if only that were a more possible task, as there aren't any in these parts.)

my walk to school this morning was comfortable enough, except for the sly expansion of the spider ceiling over one part of my path that has lately threatened to brush the top of my head and cause an unparalleled freak-out. just inside the school grounds, the morning chill was pierced through with a beautiful fragrance, fresh and sweet, some invisible late blooms. i'm never able to find its source. i changed into my cold shoes (chilling all night in the outside locker) and headed into the school, remembering what it was like to feel alien here...it seems like a long time ago.

november evaporated in a surprising number of social events and one of the busiest seasons i've had at work yet. the longer i'm here, the more responsibility i get. it's less about pretending to teach and more about actually teaching, a change i burn for. one of my own great teachers said teaching was like building a bridge to help students traverse a long journey by a shorter and more direct path. to actually witness my instruction helping people cross some of those gaps is ridiculously satisfying. i know they hate when i lurk over their shoulders to see if they understand, but they are also happy and surprised when i chuckle at their clever answers.
it seems this season in my life has been about making connections, mostly with my students, and being humbled by my own feelings of ignorance. as you probably know, i love my students. i always have, but i haven't always been able to connect with them. it's hard to have a moment when you're communicating through a third party or piece-by-piece through a dictionary. however, after a year and four months of not studying japanese, i've acquired enough to have a sparse, but meaningful interchange with a high schooler. i'm starting to get them, and they're starting to get me. roll your eyes if you want, but it's beautiful. i finally have a rapport, a foundation, with a significant percentage of my students and feel comfortable thumping them on the back or giving them a hard time. they will actually ask me questions instead of always calling over the japanese teacher, and amazingly, i can sometimes answer their questions without help.
often the ways in which these connections form surprises me the most. one of the boys in my second year class, masahisa, has no interest in talking to me. at all. his friends yuya and dai-chan are my buddies, but he wants no part of it. last week, half the class burst into an impromptu round of stomping and clapping, instantly recognizable as a queen song. when they got to the chorus, i couldn't help chanting, "WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU!" apparently shocking everyone. why!? it's an english song, guys. and how on earth do you know it? it was waaay before your generation. but this must've ratcheted me up on the ladder of coolness a notch, because after that masahisa and i had our first conversation, about queen.
one of my first years (first year's?), shingo (i just know my mom is laughing at these names; don't try and deny it, mom), has been looking up dating phrases in his electronic dictionary, which he then tries out on me in front of his class. first it was "smooch," which no one says but maybe your grandma, and then later, a much more sophisticated exchange, as follows:

"Are you busy tonight?"
"Yes, sorry, I am."
"Tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow I'm free."
"Would you like to go see a movie with me?"
"Ok."
he balks a little, then smiles.
"What time?"
"Uh, when does the movie start?"
he doesn't answer, as the class is laughing too loudly for him to hear the question.
finally i ask, "What movie?"
he considers.
"Spiderman."
"OK!" i give him the thumbs-up.
the other teacher then adds, "He already has a girlfriend, what do you call that in English?"
i say, "two-timer!"

i am a foul wind

...or so my air filter would have me believe, since every time i walk into the room, the little green "clean air" dot turns red.

today i was writing 1-10 on the blackboard.
1 through 5 were ok (thank you preschool math), but then i hit a difficult patch: 6. 2. 8. 9. 10. what the...? in what universe? but to be fair (it's me, do we really need to be fair?) i was thinking "six, second, eight" which sounds a little like "seven" and the numerals have a resemblance too.
or something.

like every blogger, everywhere, i have some lovely stuff i haven't gotten to post yet, so think of this as the flashback that never happened the first time.

i was traumatized last week when i looked at the imdb pages for the two lead actors for the new show chuck! and realized that though i expected them both to be in their early thirties, they were, in fact, both younger than me. *gasp*

From Early September:
i was geared up for the school festival this year. i had my key places to hit: cotton candy stand, shaved ice stand, pudding stand. can you say "cracked-out on sugar"? what could i do; they sold out of curry early. i also wanted to see the tea ceremony again and watch my students' remake of The Terminator. there was an art show, a magic show, calligraphy, and many other fun things to see, eat and play.
here are the cotton candy girls. they kept shrieking "it hurts! it hurts!" when they had to add the sugar because hot pieces fly out and burn, but they kept dutifully on. the leader, the girl in the middle, always greets me with "LAUREN! OH! YEAH! YEAH!" to which i'm never quite sure how to respond.


then a close-up of my cotton candy. the hot, wet mouth of the sky was trying to eat it as fast as i was.


and though i tried to take some covert pictures from the window above, it seems i am never hard to spot.



From Late August:
in japanese, fireworks is 花火, literally "flower fire." this is my lucky second year to witness the phenomenal event that puts my town on the map--the annual august 17th fireworks display. last year it was raining, and it was marvelous nevertheless. this year the weather was clear, and an unbelievable 190,000 people showed up to see it (town's population normally: 20,000)! people book train tickets early, and kara and i were barely able to squeeze onto a standing-room only train for the two hour ride from tsu where we had been helping with the new JETs orientation. we watched the thermometer in the overburdened car (usually cool with air conditioning) creep to over 91 degrees. my long legs were awkward crouched painfully on the floor, but a kind old man practially sitting in the lap of another stranger made a little space for me to stretch them out. forget going to the bathroom, i think someone must have been sitting in there too!
it was worth it, of course. we had a surprising number of new JETs show up, and we all enjoyed reclining on the beach with explosions in the sky. the highlight was the immense single firework that made all the others seem piddling and small. they said they wouldn't count it down since last year it had failed to go off, so we waited...the resulting fireball and sonic boom flattened us spectacularly! below is a video taken by my best teacher friend. about halfway through the clip, the announcer says "mamonaku desu" which means "any time now." my friend forgot to turn the camera off, she was so busy shrieking and clapping.

ugly bugs' last stand

i'm exhaustingly observant. i mean, literally.
without meaning to, i keep tabs on the minute, rarely consequential, details of the world around me. it's like the scrolling headlines on the news, but instead of "President chokes on brussel sprout...Starbucks stock plummets," it's more like, "...Mr. Y is wearing loud pants again...Mr. T got his hair cut too short and looks like a shaved warthog...Ms. M is wearing glasses instead of contacts today...two second year students are pretending to be sick so they can go home...a dead bee is stuck inside the glass cabinet...one of the office girls is delivering mail...Mr. S just got up for more tea...Ms. F put the tape in the player on the wrong side, so it may record over something important...Mr. S is talking to that other guy who looks like a PE teacher but isn't..."
i can't stop taking it all in. if you know me, this is why i get so worn out from shopping malls. there everything is made to compete for your attention, so it's like a million things are stuffing themselves into my eyes and ears at once. the only time i get real relief from this part of myself is when i'm sick, and head colds are the best. i came down with one yesterday.

then,
i smile absently. talking is heavy and breathing is audible. my hearing slips inward, can't really follow the outside anymore. just a slow, dull blur of sound, distant. things move across my eyes, my vision is also inward. i feel my heart beating slowly and thoroughly throughout my body.
Pump.
Pump.
Pump.
i could listen to it in my head all day. hands and feet are warm for once. my body is totally relaxed, staring into space, overjoyed to be still and lay here agape on a pile of tumbled blankets. my mind is hardly moving at all, so i’m easily and comfortably entertained by the dust motes floating by in sunlight.
on my lunch break i just sat on the loveseat for fifteen minutes feeling wonderfully, stupidly relaxed and thought two thoughts the whole time, after which i almost fell asleep. i would happily have succumbed, but i had to shuffle back to school.

last night i took some nyquil to help with the faucet nose, and i woke sluggishly with a nyquil hangover. i mumbled around with my eyes half closed, well, one completely closed, and fixed my tea, heated some scones, and then started to sit down under my kotatsu. i flipped the blanket back a little and saw the writhing red body of a fat mukade!! cue horrified scream. instantly my nyquil hangover was incinerated in adrenaline. that got my eyes open.

my debut in wonderland, or: the wicked witch goes on vacation

the weekend before last was a grand trip to osaka, a town for which my love has grown like a radioactive bunny. as my travel buddy has no japanese yet (how's the alphabet coming, d?), i was responsible for the arrangements. this was a good push for me and necessitated two entirely japanese phone conversations! we met at tsuruhashi station in the heart of osaka's korean district. yakiniku! yakiniku! when i stepped off the train, i could smell the garlic and beef on the air. YUM.
our weekend was characterized by a new and miraculous sensation for me~~that of knowing where we were and where we were going. we seemed to stumble easily onto the doorsteps of places for which we were searching, and we navigated the subways without a hitch. i guess i have learned something this year.
our first hotel was of the standard business variety. incredibly clean (they should call it japanese clean, 'cause it's a special kind of clean that you've never seen in america and can only try to imagine) and well-equipped. we arrived about twenty minutes before our check-in time and were offered a place to store our luggage, but they basically told us to get lost for the remaining nineteen minutes, so we pretty much just stood outside until it was time. everyone, meet my new friend danielle.


here's the bathroom with standard items: a dispenser with shampoo/conditioner/body wash, a razor, comb, toothbrush, and a toilet that will wash your butt if you want.


here's the nice, firm bed. (hear that mom? something else you'd love!) the comforter and carpet (often neglected in american hotel cleaning...i know, i was a maid) were without even a hint of previous-occupant ickiness.


the other amenities: a safe, tea maker with free tea, hairdryer, the book of buddha and the new testament, a flashlight charging under the desk, a tv, and a refrigerator. women (and women only; the website was very specific) got a bag of cosmetic samples upon check in, but we'll get to that later.


one special feature of this hotel is you must plug your room key into the wall to get the lights to work, as so:


the other special feature is the view of tommy lee jones out the window. he's in a series of very hilarious tv commercials for boss coffee. numbers 4 and 5 are my favorite...(for "lainbow" mountain)



we dove into a lovely evening. dotonbori was bright and full of people. we met kara and her mom at the best mexican restaurant in osaka, hermanos, and stuffed our faces. then we did some pre-shopping shopping and finally retired to try out our cosmetics bags.








we dressed up in the hotel pajamas and readied our faces with the provided hairband. we felt very laverne and shirley and took several really bad pictures that just make me look like a giant with three boobs. the so-called "essential" oils of the face wash got in our eyes and stung in that chemical burn kind of way. we tried to soothe our angry skin with the wet paper towel jason mask, but mostly we were just glad when it was over.




the next morning we headed out early to shop. even more hardcore were the people lined up waiting to be assaulted by pachinko. some highlights were:
an "only in japan" moment--anti aging scrub for your knees.


some HO~~TT boots for a mere $1300.


and some tuff faux leather jackets.



after that we checked into the capsule hotel! capsule hotels are only recently making areas where women can sleep, and as such, often the women's (womens'?) quarters are less nice than the men's. though still "japanese clean," our floor of capsules was on the basement level, so zero windows. boo. and the poor lighting didn't alleviate that basementy feel.
you get two keys, one to the auto-locking threshold through which men are absolutely not allowed (as you're free to roam naked from locker room to make-up room to capsule to bath if you so desire), and one to your locker. provided were hotel pajamas, curry yellow towels (clearance sale?), and a body sponge. the keys are on a neck cord so you can put on your one-size-fits-all PJs and look like a PE teacher too!
the capsule size was far from claustrophobic, though bear in mind, i chose to be buried underground for two hours as a performance art piece:


romping in capsule land:




the wicked witch watches TV:



lastly, and most brilliant of all, we shopped in what are called the lolita stores...shops overflowing with fluffy lace and ribbon-bedecked dresses of exquisite quality. i had hoped to find one of these frothy confections for my very own, but the girls at Baby, The Stars Shine Bright were less than friendly, and i felt very downcast after that. neverfear, though, the girls at Angelic Pretty were much sweeter, and i found a dress that i just had to have. i've been in love with white for a few years (thanks Apple), and my new dress is fashioned of white velveteen. it feels amazing to wear, and i spent so much money that i (gulp) could barely afford the train ride back home.
i've been bitten, though. i. am. obsessed with these dresses and check the websites daily to see what new ones have been posted. it's very alice in wonderland: wacky, feminine, and a little bit magic.

"the bird"

just there! i smell fall!
the leaves are still firmly grasping their trees, but something is starting to smell nice and smoky. i made pumpkin soup last night, and it was marvelously silky. autumn is my favorite time to cook.
on the school front, i finished my week in a delicious uproar. we were reviewing body parts, going over what each finger was called in english. ms. murakami, the other teacher, asked, "what is this finger called?" and pointed to her middle finger. the super-cute eager boy in the front row chirped out "f*ck you!" i almost had a heart attack laughing. they don't understand what these things they've heard on movies really mean, but they're trying so hard to make any connection and blurt it out, for which i am eternally grateful...after some blatant dicionary-checking to figure out why exactly i was turning so red with hilarity, we tried to move on. she wanted me to act "dizzy" so the students could guess what it meant. after some guesses like "feel bad!" and "ill!" one boy finally yelled out "CRAZY!" which i suppose is how i actually looked leering this way and that. finally, as we performed a short dialogue about illness, ms. murakami was supposed to say, "It'll make you feel better," but instead she said, "I'll make you feel better." and we lost it again! i pantomimed a sexy walk repeating, "I'll make you feel better!" which cracked up the rest of the class even though they were still trying desperately to figure out what i had said.
ahh, fun with english.

how to get rid of door-to-door salesmen

step one: be foreign. this pretty much works for me.
one day i came home to a business card slipped in my mailbox. i ignored it.
the next day, as i was walking home, a man passed me on the path and asked politely if i was miss carroll. after my affirmative (i was all excited to get a package or something), he launched into a marvelous self-introduction characterized by polished bows and all the grandeur he could muster on a cheery spring day halfway up the hill to my house. he was a banker, my banker, apparently. my banker who rides a moped (snicker). he wanted to tell me some marvelous new thing to do with my money or maybe how to get the whitest whites, but my blithely uncomprehending face put him off pretty quick, and i've never heard from him again.
this was equally effective against the jehovah's witnesses.