break out

we've had a sudden outbreak of grey weather; today was like day ten of unflinching dark skies. i don't mind actual rain, but this was beginning to remind me of those endless, dull tacoma days where rain happens at some point every day, but mostly it just hangs over you like guilt.
i decided to go for a run in the misting morning. i got a sluggish start on the sea wall and passed a few old couples crotcheting along with umbrellas. soon the ipod music entered my bloodstream, though, and i was picking my feet up with a little more enthusiasm.
i haven't really been setting goals for myself the last few years, and that's starting to bother me. i should be doing many things: studying japanese, planning my future, planning my lessons. i thought maybe i should try to run for twenty minutes without stopping. might as well start now. for someone with asthma, that can be easier said than done, but it's much easier at sea level. i had a go at it.
the air was heavy and smelled raw and spicy, like kimchi. hawks hovered overhead. before i really even felt like i had settled into my rhythm, i thought i could spot the foggy, distant end of the sea wall looking...a lot less distant. perhaps i could make it all the way to the end without stopping! pretty amazing, considering i used to run on the sea wall last year and wouldn't even make it to the end. i did make it, and then i walked the entire way back, which took forever. hips aching and soaked with sweat and rain, i passed the old man i had run by at first. he gave me a sunny smile and encouraged me to ganbaru (persevere) as he pantomimed running. i loved that.
inspired by the smell of the air, i ate kimchi with my brunch, and finally the sun made an appearance.
one benefit of the rain is some summer days that masquerade as cool, so my impulse to knit kicked in super early, and i'm half done with a pair of mittens. i also made some winter miso soup tonight (potato and chinese cabbage), and it was delicious.


school starts tomorrow, SIGHHHH, but i also managed to not procrastinate all weekend, so now i have time to watch tv and knit some more. later!

the hypochondriac is IN

well it seems my challenge this year is to not freak out every time i have a little health problem. last night, for instance, i removed my contact lenses and my left eye was blurry. i blinked many times, but the blur wouldn't move or change. i washed my eye repeatedly; no change. so i got all tense and gaspy and worried about the other eye, viruses, blindness, etc. when i woke up, it was fine.
i wish i could say that this is an anomaly, but ever since i came to japan and feared for my life during a surprise asthma attack my second week here, with no phone, knowing no japanese, and having no transportation...i've been a lot more stressed about my health. it doesn't help to know that the medical care in this area of japan is not exactly competitive or cutting edge.
last weekend the problem was my toenail, which was getting ingrown and infected due to some shoes i will never wear again, ever...maybe (well, they're really cute shoes). anyway, it was a holiday and i was hoping to leave it be, but it was getting red, white and weird-looking, and hey, i don't wanna go septic on the weekend. the office lady was really worried too, and she basically annoyed me into going to see her friend the doctor. he was kindly-gruff and a little too eager with the "you want me to cut it?"
"no! i do not want you to cut it! do i have a choice?"
he sighed and sat back, "well, i'll just give you some antibiotics then," clearly disappointed!
but what i realized when i got home and had already taken the first pill, i'm allergic to a certain antibiotic, and he didn't ask me if i had any medication allergies. oh no! Girl Dies From Common Antibiotic; Office Lady Plagued With Guilt, "I made her go to the doctor!" turn page for story.
but guess what? i lived.
i've just never been on such a hair-trigger for panic.
other things i've had this year: a whole day of a rushing sound in one ear, unexplained dizziness, strange impressions on my skin in the morning (bugs laying eggs in my arm? no, just sleeping on a button), CLEM the friendly fatty tumor, and a TSS scare.
i am just so much fun!

i will leave you with this dinosaur comic:

getting schooled

today was my date with the business end of a baseball. i thought it was supposed to be Easy, Happy, Fun Time with the eminent mr. sugar, but he informed me that one of the students would be teaching me how to pitch. hunh!? i didn't understand why he wouldn't take the chance himself, but since i dearly love the student who'd be teaching me, i felt ok...as in, full of anxiety and adrenaline OK. i mean, i didn't really want to face my humiliation in front of a team who practices from dawn to dark on a daily basis.

every year on my birthday, i choose a new theme for the year. this year's theme is More Risks. in other words, i need to stop imagining possible failures and just try things, follow my heart, let go of control. this was a very good exercise of that principle if nothing more. i kept reminding myself that i have zero experience in baseball; i am a baseball baby. i haven't learned to walk or talk, so i can't expect to just be good at it. i have never played more than a game or two of long-forgotten P.E. softball, and i certainly never pitched. the only thing i used to do, which motivated this great baseball education, was to throw the ball as high and straight into the air as i could and then catch it. i wasn't too bad at catching, but one missed ball nearly knocked me senseless on the front lawn. actually throwing to someone is an entirely different thing. a harder thing.

in preparation for this event, i retired to the sports park yesterday for a nerve-busting workout. i had been feeling pretty wound up for several days anyway, so some hard running in an un-airconditioned! gym was just what i needed? is airconditioning for losers?? turn it ON, people. it doesn't cost that much. this is like the hottest place in the world.
anyway, after that i sheepishly shuffled over to an empty field and tried my hand at pitching, based on some internet pointers. i was a giant bag of crap at pitching. it was less throwing the ball than disgusting the ball so much that it was desperate to fly in any direction to get away from me. about 85 percent of the balls went too far left, 5 percent went straight into the ground, and the remaining 10 percent went approximately where i wanted. i won't say i didn't improve. there were one or two pitches that may have been considered good if they hadn't been vastly accidental. that day didn't do much to alleviate my nerves for the next, but at least i managed not to hurt myself too badly. *stretch-stretch*
then it started to pour. in seconds, all the random people who had been milling around the area were under eaves, and i laughed madly from the center of the field. it felt amazing! the rain pelted down and soaked me utterly. i jumped and danced and did handstands and brushed the hair and mascara out of my eyes, and kept throwing. it lightened my heart and eased my body. it reminded me who i am. it reminded me that in a culture where i often feel confused and excluded because i look different and can't speak eloquently, i am still myself. my essence is in tact, and that more than anything gave me courage for today.

so today my name was called by mr. sugar, and we made our way to the field.
nervous? yes. ready?

yes.

he let me choose my glove and ball. i shook my head in embarassment at the five guys sitting around who would be witnessing thegirl getting schooled in baseball. the boy who was supposed to teach me was nowhere in sight. mr. sugar stepped up to the plate, har har har har har. i think he was surprised to find i had never played any sport ever, least of all baseball. i could see NOVICE register in his eyes. he thought i had more experience.

in very respectable english, he explained stance and grip. we tried a few. they were weak. my body just didn't know when to let go. it was a lot to think about, too. at least i didn't have any problems catching the return balls. he told me a few more pointers...my shoulders should rotate at the same time; my hips should follow that same movement; i should look straight at him to aim. they were a little better, but i was getting bogged down in the explanation. then we found the magic formula; he taught me the wind up, and we did it together like mr. miyagi and the karate kid. snap! the next pitches were momentously easier to throw and went farther and straighter. it was a tremendous transformation (in my humble opinion). that's what a good teacher can do. mr. sugar was gentle and patient and encouraging, which is funny since he's known as a hard-ass coach and teacher. i pitched for an hour, determined to keep trying even after i got tired and sore. he traded off with several boys on the team who seemed to enjoy playing with me. they were really sweet too, those dear baseball boys. more and more of the team arrived and greeted me in stunned english when they registered my presence.
when i looked at the time, i was shocked to find i was having so much fun that i had completely missed lunch! i hadn't noticed even once how hungry i was. mr. sugar and i sat down and rested for a bit and talked easily. he said i couldn't throw at all when i started that day (no argument there), and by the end i was a good pitcher. he said i should join their team. haha. i said i'd need to practice batting next if that was the case. it was amazing to be in that space, relaxed in the dirt with the boys all around, a place that has felt secret and closed off from me since i came here. as we walked back across the field, talking, smiling, i couldn't help but stand a little taller as i slipped even more back into the me i used to know, and it fit like a glove. ;)

oh, but getting off a sweaty shirt and sports bra with two weak, sore arms proved to be the surprise challenge of the day.

i guess i'll die another day

well, (thank God!) Clem has been groped and prodded by numerous doctors, sonogramed, and it seems he will be with me for the time being. with the liability so many health professionals must feel, it seems they will scarcely say anything definite, but the surgeon who ordered the ultrasound vaguely supposed Clem is a harmless fatty tumor (i know, gross). that was the best of all the options, though, so it will do. the most wonderful people in the whole experience were the sonogram techs and the radiologist (i guess it isn't a crime to be a radiologist and have a personality). they were all puzzled by the elusive, invisible Clem, but they said it didn't look like a hernia (certain surgery averted) and it wasn't a lymph gland (read: not cancer). phew. the radiologist (whose name was Dr. Rohren--curiously close to what i'm called in japan) went to grade school in japan when he was a child! so cool! he was the person who really made me feel reassured.
it was the first sonogram i'd ever had, and it was kind of exciting and oddly relaxing at the same time. the gel they put on my stomach was warm, and it was so weird to watch the hollow oceans and dark echoes of my guts. it really does look like deep underwater, with strands of light.
anyway, thank you so much! it looks as though i really will be able to return to japan on time, for which i am profoundly grateful. now i just have to wait for the medical bills to come flooding in.

the visitor

well, something is awry in my guts. it's a lump in my abdomen that i've named Clem. Clem has been with me for at least several months, and mostly hasn't given my much trouble. tomorrow i'm hoping to find out more about Clem's nature and what we can do about him.
dear Lord, please kill Clem. without surgery. please let him not be serious trouble. please let me be able to return to japan in two weeks, healthy. i realize you are not bound by my limited imagination for solutions. amen.
if you're the praying type, hit me with your best shot. thanks.

the longest movie never made

so i promised to tell you the whole story. i'll try not to belabor you with the infinite details, as i have done to the people i've already told aloud (sorry friends, the Great Minutia Catcher has to unload somewhere). some of this story you may already know. if you need to catch up, search for "wisteria" in my blog and read the previous entries.
so this is the story of a boy and thegirl. it's the slowest story ever told. if it were a movie, you would have given up watching hours ago, called your friend to say "never rent that movie Thegirl Meets Mr. Sugar, 'cause i only made it halfway through the first disk, and nothing happened. why does everyone think slow movies are so artistic!?" and your friend would say, "well, i did like Lost In Translation, and it was slow," and you'd reply, "oh, i liked that too, but this is totally different. how on earth did this movie ever get made!?" then you would have drunk some herbal tea and gone to bed. but this is my life, a movie i'm part of, and i have the time to sit around and see what happens.
[after the initial meeting/four months of awkwardness/slow reconnection]
as the year wore on, every enkai gave me a better opportunity to talk with mr. sugar. it seemed like we both welcomed the chance, and slowly i was getting to know him. we could even have a little casual conversation at school, only for a moment, but it felt more comfortable.
finally, about two weeks ago we had another enkai. this time i was determined to find out something real. i wasn't sure what, exactly, but something. i finally made my way over to his table in the confusion of tipsy, boisterous teachers. we started to talk. we were only interrupted when his very drunk friend spied us chatting and pointed suddenly across the table with a friendly, accusatory finger and blurted, "HE'S SINGLE! HE'S NICE GUY!"
i had found my something real. not hiding a wife or girlfriend at home, mr. sugar is single (and i'd like to presume for the moment, heterosexual). ending the night with several vague promises to do things together (or at least in the vicinity of one another), i glowed home. but would the next day prove to be that ice-water wake-up call? enkai promises are often forgotten or ignored embarrassedly in the daylight hours.
within seconds of the 8:30am bell, mr. sugar had placed a brand new baseball in my hand--a promise that i had completely forgotten! he had said he would give me a baseball with our school name on it, and he did. (he's the baseball coach, see?) grabbing the moment of fulfilled promise, i asked if he would be able to teach me some kanji. he agreed.
i was a mess of adrenaline and hard heartbeats waiting for our first kanji lesson. for the next hour, i jumped when anyone came near my desk and felt positively silly for doing so. i finally realized he wasn’t coming, so i relaxed. then i looked up and there he was. “sorry.” he had been too busy with baseball practice. i waited for him to dash off, but he didn’t; he stayed. along with my best friend teacher, we talked and laughed for the next hour and a half! at school! sober! finally, i was too hungry to stay any longer. he asked if i had time to try our lesson early the next week. of course!
our first lesson was exhausting! we were trying so hard, and neither of us really had a clear direction. i kept up as well as i could, but finally i told him to please write the finished character and then teach me how to write it. we started getting the hang of it. after an hour and a half of that, we sat back and just talked. he stayed at my desk until i headed out for lunch. we met again the next day. this time we talked a whole lot more than we studied. i learned about his family and friends, we harassed each other, and at long last i felt like i had met the real mr. sugar.
but...i was set to fly home in two days. a three-week interruption, WHY NOW!? on the morning of my last day, he brought me the sweets i wrote about in my last post. that felt like the most concrete sign that something had truly changed. no longer afraid to speak to me at school, he had sat for hours at my desk that week in full view of everyone. his little food present was the nicest goodbye, and it was completely unexpected. i’m not fooling myself into believing this means anything specific, just that after all this time, he feels some sort of friendship with me. for now that is enough. i hope when i return to japan, what little momentum we gained is not lost. i hope he misses me a little.

victory is mine saith the Lord. and, uh, i'm saying it too.

july: something is blooming near my house that smells like honeycomb, and i sniff the air deeply on my way to and from work every day. i've never been able to discover where the smell originates, as there are only verdant green plants everywhere and no visible flowers other than things i know, like hydrangeas. the cicadas are getting in some practice, and there are still pools of cooler, unhumid air swirling around that make the heat feel ok. they finally turned the air conditioner on at school, too. when the days are not oppressive with pre (or post) rainstorm mugginess, i really love this time of year.
in summer, japan takes on the character most alien to my own experience of nature--(due to my upbringing in the dry mountains and desert)--the character of jungle, that is. vines plummet with new growth off of lights and electrical lines, grabbing for my hair, oranges fatten on the trees, and it becomes more and more difficult to breathe the heavy air. it's like trying to aspirate honey. but it's exciting. i never know what i'll see every day, from a black and white striped beetle (like this morning) to a brilliant white egret in the canal (this afternoon.) and the first mukade of the season, which i've been waiting for and subsequently killed.

but that's just the setting to this story. i look forward to telling it all to you soon, but i'm afraid i must pack now to visit home, so it will have to wait a bit longer. it starts with a girl and a boy and a chirstmas party chat. after seven long months underground (when i thought it must be dead), it has finally began producing some interesting fruit: a baseball!
what was the first word i saw when i unwrapped that baseball (after 'Made In China')?

victory!



this morning, a bright-eyed mr. sugar (formerly known to you as mr. wisteria), rather than nodding to me professionally or not at all, as is typical, came over to my desk, mouthed "good morning" and waved a cute little wave. he then brought me sweets as a present! you may not think this is a big deal. but it is a BIG DEAL. just believe me. i'll explain later.

what's with today today?

today^[1] marks the beginning of something not nearly as exciting as Shark Week, but it takes just as long.....it's Termite Week! warm weather and big rains are ideal conditions for colonizing termites who climb through the screens into my house, drop their wings, and wriggle disgustingly over every surface. thankfully the first big rain week this year was interrupted by some sunny days, so many hopefuls were discouraged from their mission. i've learned termites must maintain contact with some source of water. now they're getting almost too big to fit through my screens.
flying termites do not bite, small consolation when you wake up with them crawling on you in bed. in my endless saga of insect infestations, this is just one more chapter i've grown accustomed to. encouragingly there are faaar fewer than last year before the exterminators came, but like last year, of course, they emerged the one weekend i had company coming. since they are able to squeeze through the screens during a time when the heat of summer has truly begun, Termite Week has now also begun to symbolize Air Conditioner Week too, as closing the windows makes it unbearably hot.

^[1]
ok, it isn't really "today" anymore, it was two weeks ago that i started this, but "two weeks ago" doesn't have the same sense of immediacy. and the termites are still doing their thing, so it's still relevant.

speaking of butter

this is one of the reasons i think my mom should come to japan...precut butter slices! my mom loves to freeze food, cut it into slices, or divide it into individual servings. many years ago, i was going to make grape juice popsicle cubes for summer, so i turned a full ice tray over into the sink. as i ran some hot water over the cubes, instead of melting, they began to turn white and solid!! what the...!? she had frozen egg whites into individual servings!
i've seen her slice a Snickers bar into slices and enjoy every one slowly. she never needs very much of a treat because she makes it last insanely long. that's perfect for japan! small treats in abundance!


another reason she should visit is something called annindoufu. i've been in japan two years, and i've only just discovered it. though it doesn't look like much, it's paradise in a plastic cup. imagine the smoothest, not-too-sweet, almond-flavored panna cotta, and you're getting close. a kind of tofu pudding flavored with apricot seed oil, it is my current obsession.


and finally...clothes that fit tiny people! when i was young, i wanted to be as tall as my mom because she seemed taller than most of her women friends. when i outgrew her by three inches, i realized just how tiny she really is! she's also thin with narrow shoulders...the perfect body type to find ample wardrobe choices in japan.

hmm...not to mention the joys of japan's cleanliness stratosphere. like me, my mom could truly appreciate how spotless every hotel room surface is, since she's the one who raised me with such a keen eye and hunger for the immaculate. in fact, the japanese word for beautiful, kireii, also means clean. beauty = clean. mama, this country was made for us!

naughty dandelion

i just thought this was cute, especially when the little girl gets kind of exasperated...like, "this was fun, but sheesh, so much work!" i feel that way sometimes.

occam's razor

i'm having one of those weeks where you hear a phrase or concept for the first time in ages, and then you keep hearing about it from completely different sources. in this case it's occam's razor. i don't have anything to say about occam's razor, but everyone else seems to. and i like the word razor.

today was the kind of day we all need from time to time. an awesome day. thanks to kjersten, i am completely obsessed with a japanese tv show called Hana Yori Dango. it's a very affecting love story about hot, rich, high school guys and a scrappy, lovable "poor" girl named tsukushi. caught up in the "love is in the tv air" mood, i decided last night to dress up for school today.
i twisted my hair up into barrettes when it was wet and slept my way to curly hair, old school. then i fluffed it a bit, put on a dress i've worn to school several times before, and threw on some gaudy fake pearls that came with one of my lolita dresses.
the result: RIOTS. i caused a scene in every room i entered today! i had boys hiding around corners yelling "CUTE!" and showing their thumbs-up while peeking. they're in high school for heaven's sake. i had girls dragging their friends down the halls from other classes to gawk at me, and even the teachers had to pick their jaws off the floor. i must look like craaaap most days if that's all it takes to blow them away. however, the dress was also red, definitely shocking next to the black and navy uniforms. naoko told me i looked like fireworks! one junior boy, takeki (or "lauren's brother" as he asked to be called in class!) made me pinkie swear i would return to japan after visiting home this summer. i loved every minute of it.
it was also like magic juice for my most difficult class (largely full of rugby boys) who were the most docile i've ever seen today. the tides seem to be turning in that class, finally. i like to believe i'm winning them over, but it could be that they're maturing on their own. either way, it's nice to see some of the rude boys actually paying attention and asking me for help. they'll turn into sweethearts yet.
to be honest, i dressed up partially to prove to everyone that i can be cute, but especially to remind one mr. sugar that i have some sass. he looks painfully good every day (i definitely don't remember him dressing up every single day last year), and i'm tired of feeling tired and dull by comparison. take that oh-hot-one-who-always-understands-my-english-but-doesn't-have-the-guts-to-talk-to-me-anywhere-but-at-parties! ha!

all is not lost

i keep suddenly remembering random pictures and documents forever lodged in the guts of my broken hard drive, and then consciously letting go of them emotionally.
and then miraculously finding them elsewhere!
one of the pictures i was sorry to never be able to revisit was that of my self-portrait just seconds before my very first class.
this is how i felt:


you'll notice i'm wearing a white shirt, in the calm, dead center of a heat hurricane, humidity at like a thousand percent, with my nerves to top it off. i essentially stepped out of the air conditioned office and swam to the fourth floor. as class wore on, i was sweating so much that my shirt became less and less appropriate. my own ill-timed wet t-shirt contest. as sean joked later, "they came for class, but they stayed for the show." that shirt has been hanging in my closet ever since.

The Great Butter Famine of '08

that's right. japan is out of butter. butter.
i was wondering what was happening! the last several times i've gone to the store, i wondered why i couldn't find it. i just figured they moved it. but no, they're just out. i don't understand all the circumstances (something to do with russia's willingness to pay more for butter, and a glut of dairy in hokkaido several years ago leading to disposal of the means to make more, aka, cows) but the bottom line is less fun on my baked potatoes and no more scones.
i admit, i was tickled when i first heard--who could imagine such a ridiculous shortage? to most, butter is an important but not vital ingredient. the fact that it probably heralds more dire shortages is disconcerting, though.
apparently a teacher at my school got wind of this problem early and stockpiled a big supply before the stores were out. i wonder if she'll start a basement butter business for those hard-up bakers?

the new face of horror

friday i was checking the progress of my potted herbs. supposedly mint is an ant-deterrent, so it was strange that they were still crawling all over my seeding cilantro (which is in the same pot as the mint and rosemary), but it didn't seem like a big deal. i put out an ant poison trap to control the problem. however, when i read that ants can clear the way for other pests, i decided to investigate a bit more closely. cue fascinated horror.
you know those scenes in One Hundred Years of Solitude and The Poisonwood Bible where babies are devoured by fire ants? it was like that. when i lifted up the herb pot to see underneath, i found the cement black with live ant bodies. they poured out of the pot's hole in glittering, crawling waves. i wanted to hurl. then i wasted them with an entire can of freeze spray until there was nothing moving.



UGH!

five facts about the girl

1. i'm attracted to guys with big heads. this accounts in part for my attraction to many famous men like gerard way, billy corgan, vincent d 'onofrio, and non-famous men like the starer (you know who you are) and x-charlie. perhaps it's an innate need to balance my long skinny head with a broad one.
the smell of engine oil and gasoline on a man's clothes can stop me in my tracks. it's definitely a turn-on. and why share this news with the world? why not? i like knowing specific personal details about other people.

2. i'm left-handed, and i harbor no small amount of lefty pride. being left-handed broadcasts a predisposition for creative ideas and good style without saying anything at all. is that going too far? ;) i always notice when actors on TV use their left hands, including Simpsons characters. consequently, vincent d'onofrio, michael stipe, and my new favorite big-headed rocker, david cook, are left-handed.
not long ago, the left hand was considered evil and deviant in japan and america alike. however, now all the japanese kids know the term "southpaw" for some bizarre reason.

3. i don't like drinking cold drinks out of mugs. the textures are wrong together; somehow the cold beverage makes me uncomfortably aware of the thickness of the lip of the cup in my mouth and any irregularities therein.

4. my favorite songs are, without fail, the ones whose titles i hate most. this is a pickle. being an unabashed word nerd, i have visceral reactions to words and would really prefer to like the songs whose titles i find clever or beguiling. however i usually listen to those songs and find them inane or banal, whereas the songs with lame names rock a lot harder. additionally, no matter how much i love an artist, i can't listen to songs, even ironic songs, that have lyrics i find painfully corny such as Nanny Nanny Boo Boo (shudder) by le tigre and Teenage Love Song by rilo kiley, which prominently features the word "dissed" (convulsion).

5. i still think of colors in terms of their crayola crayon names from my childhood...midnight blue, plum, cornflower, cadet blue, thistle, salmon pink, carnation pink, goldenrod, raw umber, burnt sienna...

they stood up for love

happily i didn't lose this photo The Day The Hard Drive Died because it was saved on my blog, so i will happily post it now. when a subway ad stops me cold...

i slept like crap for my butterflies

well, i might as well put this in here while it's still fresh and before it's ruined by the disappointment that characterizes these situations usually. last night i went out to dinner, yakiniku to be exact. once kara or i has suggested yakiniku, there's pretty much nothing that can get in our way of having it. when we got inside the restaurant, i saw a very cute teacher who worked at my school last year, but has since been transferred. i thought maybe he was sent very far away, so i was happy to see he was still in town. i waved to him and his group. kara and i sat down and began our meal, and i heard my name several times, which was somewhat curious. it seemed to go beyond, "that was a girl i worked with last year." he also tried looking over at us a few times, but i kept kara in my line of sight so i wouldn't be distracted.
we finished our meal and got up to leave. i went over to their table to say goodbye, and i asked if they were all friends. they said yes, they were on a volleyball team together. everyone was a little flushed from the beer. i asked where he worked now and he said a junior high in the next town. i was like, "well, great, see you later." i got up to leave and put my shoes on, but they called me back over. i paused and he rushed over with his phone. he was like, "can i have your number, is that ok?" i was like, "sure," so i pulled out my phone...thinking we would be sitting there figuring out what numbers and mail addresses to send and how, but he just took my phone from me and typed his number into it and then called his own phone so it would log my number. then he gave my phone back in a whirl, shook my hand, and said something about next time.
even when he was first coming over to me, i didn't think anything of it, but the fact that he seemed so nervous and in a rush to get my number (in front of his friends) gave me a big shot of adrenaline, and i walked out on shaky legs.
be what it may--for all i know he wants english tutoring or another volleyball team member (i am tall)--i was completely thrilled by the moment. it's rare that anyone makes any overtures at ALL, so to feel even for a flash that he had a crush on me was totally worth it.
the adrenaline took way too long to wear off, and i slept like crap.

consider me your cautionary tale

unlike the first time i had computer troubles, there was no happy ending to this week's story. my computer froze with no warning, i turned it off to reboot, and that was the moment i kissed all of my data goodbye. like a paranoid, antisocial hermit crab, my hard drive disappeared in a dark corner and refused to be found no matter how i jiggled and pried, coaxed and bribed, and implored its maker.
in the apple store, naka broke the news to me simply and gently, "your hardo-doribe is broken. all your data is gone. i'm sorry." i had prepared myself for that and i nodded. however, facing the actual loss of everything, the abduction of my memories, the evaporation of my pictures, work, and history into lost 1s and 0s, suuuuucked. in starbucks, over a weird chicken salad sandwich laced with legumes, i couldn't hold back tears.
hilariously, i have been vigilant in backing up my downloaded television, so i may have to recreate every work file i've made in the last two years and retake all 400 pictures of my students, but at least i can watch Law & Order when i'm done. i have been trying to have a "barn's burnt down, now i can see the stars," attitude about this, but my eyes are still adjusting. i don't feel nearly as pathetic as i did this weekend, and that's largely due to the good company i enjoyed in the aftermath. i met some good people at fern's house, and they allowed me to talk too much and make them laugh, which i needed to take my mind off winkie's demise. another immeasurable relief is that blinkie, my ipod, is healthy, so my 30GB of music are safe for the moment. that's the only thing keeping me from madness as the hours after work stretch out in a cacophony of silence.
i have had the opportunity to re-examine how i was spending my time and consider how much more productive i could be if i didn't spend most of it watching youtube. i picked up the lace knitting i haven't gotten around to for months, started an immense book, and have given some serious thought to making some art again. as i am still down one computer until next weekend, we will see how fruitful i continue to be and if the direction of my life changes for the better. but in the meantime, say these words with me, "hard copy, back it up, save to the web."

nerds hit rock bottom

yesterday i received the first installment of my Foreign Buyer's Club order, so in an effort to have a special celebratory american-foods-only lunchtime, i opened the nerds candy i have been saving for the past five months. slight problem. the box isn't airtight, and it's clear the nerds are not what they used to be. a far cry from the glossy, crunchy explosions of concentrated sweet-tartness i love so well, they are dull, puffy, soft, and splotchy like a hollywood starlet after five years of hard drugs and anti-depressants. at least my amy's organic burrito was magnificent and deliciously americany. i also ordered some palmolive dish soap, which actually Cuts That Freaking Grease, just like it says. i've gotten used to it, but the dish soap here is mostly useless. now it's like my birthday every day--clean dishes!

my secret path

i love finding secret places. since i was a little girl, i've always loved looking for places to hide, not because i am afraid of being pursued, but maybe because my ultimate desire is to be found, searched for and found, by the right person. that's why i love that line in The Cure's A Night Like This, "i'm coming to find you if it takes me all night;" i love to be looked for, and hiding also makes me feel protected and intimate with the space that surrounds me.
when i was in high school theater, i would sometimes slip behind the expansive and sometimes rickety sets, into tight corners of darkness that smelled like sawdust and paint and old curtains just to listen for a while, just to see if anyone would miss me. i can fit into places people think no one would go. it's like being held securely. for someone with as much nervous energy as i have, it makes me feel calm and anchored in a way i normally don't.
i knew it would take time to uncover the secret places in my town, but i've kept my eyes open for them. imagine my surprise, then, when i heard a rumor that a trail behind my own house led to a boulder overlooking the town. i had to find out. i also love a good lookout. what i believed was a trail to someone's house (as i could see a gate at the top of some steep stairs) was in fact the head of that very trail. there were some houses there, once, but the gate is the only thing that hasn't fallen to ruin.


one saturday morning curiosity overtook me. i didn't even change out of my pajamas, but edged up the trail, body tense in anticipation of what i'd find. honestly i was ready to turn back at any moment if i came across too many cobwebs or snakes, but nothing spooked me, so i kept going.


at the top of a steep climb, the trail met a narrow road which led to a wider trail and a mobile phone tower...romantic. past that, though, the trail narrowed to a jungly trek following the ridge. it became clear that the view must be pretty spectacular, only the foliage was too high to get a glimpse.
i finally reached a crack in the base of a huge boulder with a knotted rope hanging down. i figured climbing it would lead to the view i sought, but i also had gone pretty far in my pajamas, and i would prefer to do any climbing with a companion in case there were troubles, so i called it a day.

several weeks later, i convinced kino to join me, and he invited a few other new teachers, so mayumi came too.
we stopped at the first place where the trail opens a bit. i planned to return alone to sunbathe here until a teacher mentioned that dangerous wild boars roam these woods.


we climbed out of the darkness and into the sun. coming up over the top of the rock, the world fell away in the most spectacular panorama of my town i've ever seen.




to the right, mountains.


to the left, open sea.


the view from below.


i feel like i've uncovered a key feature of my neighborhood, and it only took two years.