the fine line between bread and pain

i'm still on a health high! every day that i wake up feeling good, i practically skip to school beaming. it's incredible how much energy even minor health problems require. i've been eating normally again for about five days and reeeeally enjoying food.
last night i had kimchi nabe for one. nabe is supposed to be a communal, party-type food, but those adorable tiny mushrooms were on sale (enokitake) and it snowballed. i don't have a portable burner like most people use to cook on the table at parties, so i just sat by my stove and shovelled (ok, chopstick-ed...chopstuck?) spicy goodness into my mouth. yes, i ate it all in one sitting. you put an assortment of veggies, tofu, and meat to bubble in a spicy broth and then fish out whatever you want when it's done. easy! it was the first time i had made it myself, and it was yummy!


ready to eat!


afterwards, you put rice in to soak up the broth and have it for lunch the next day.


i also made molten chocolate muffins, again. i had been craving them, but held off since my system wasn't amenable to solid foods last week. i couldn't even manage to give one away, they are so good! if you want the recipe, it's this one. i don't use the espresso or ice cream, you don't need it!
this culinary hedonism began last week. i had been slowly adding solid food back into my diet, with a few fits and starts, when i started craving taiyaki. taiyaki is sweet batter cooked in the shape of a fish, usually filled with something. occasionally there is a very friendly guy who sells it in the entrance of the grocery store. i walked to the store for some exercise, and lucky! the guy was there. i said "screw you" to my intestines, smiled sweetly at the vendor, and walked away with 17 mini taiyaki (what an odd number, 17! that was the minimum you could buy). i sat down on a park bench so that i wasn't eating and walking, prayed for smooth sailing, and started eating. i have been really concentrating on eating more slowly and chewing better, thanks mom, so that's what i did. no problems! magnificent happiness!


my favorite filling is cho~co~late.


the scene of the crime.


thanks to my very good mood, i had a good laugh at this student's test answer because it sounded all too familiar.


she meant "bread," since "pan" is bread in japanese, but the misspelling makes it genius!

my, what large eyes you have

i've been feeling really crappy the past week. not "i'm sick and need to rest" crappy, but "i wonder if i should go to the hospital" crappy. i won't tell you the gory details, but suffice it to say my digestive tract has been jacked. clem seems to be involved somehow, and i've been feeling a lot of discomfort. however, last night i had only chicken broth and a probiotic Yakult for dinner (despite serious cravings for a hamburger), and now i'm feeling a LOT better. i'm hopeful it will last. so on a health-high, i'm going to write some more.
i have a wide melodramatic streak which i have mostly overcome, but when i feel vulnerable, especially health-wise, it reasserts itself as my hypochondria shoots into overdrive. welcome to my life the past year. last night, as i prayed for my guts to get a grip, i started imagining simple things i wanted to experience again before i die. you know those old-fashioned knobbly bedspreads from like the 40s? i kept thinking, "i wish i could wrap myself up in one at some nice old lady's house." weird! i think it has more to do with wanting to be comforted and taken care of than anything, but it's still pretty random.
when i was around 15, we went on little family vacation to arizona. we decided to stay at a bed and breakfast. my memories of the whole experience are time-worn, but i do remember our hostess, june, had a pretty literal interpretation of "bed and breakfast." it wasn't private and luxurious, there was no separation from her own living space and ours, it was just a couple of rooms in her house. it was like intruding on someone else's grandma. i slept in her grown daughter's room with all of her stuff staring at me; it was incredibly awkward. mom and i had whispered exclamations of dismay and hilarity as we joked about june-bug. the next morning at breakfast, she had cut the only orange off her cornered orange tree. we would have gladly done without the sacrifice, as the orange was tart and thick-skinned. after breakfast we evacuated as soon as possible, grimacing comically to each other. anyway, i think she had one of those knobbly quilts on my bed. even though the experience was awkward, it's a good memory.
the other thing i thought of was wanting to smell wood chips again. talk about random!

so here's the real story; recently i endeavored to get some new contact lenses. this is always a long, emotionally painful process because my eyes are apparently incredibly difficult to please. then of course, i know none of the technical japanese, so i had to drag someone along with me every time i went. talk about trouble! the first and second pairs were way off. as is always the case, i could see the technicians' faces fall when they spotted me in the waiting room. as if i WANT to come back and bother them that many times. i suggested to the doctor (this is my experience with my own eyes speaking) that slightly larger lenses usually hold my strong prescription better. as this filtered through my translator, the response was "we'll have to customize them, since we japanese have smaller eyeballs." ha! i wasn't saying my eyes were bigger, i was saying the lens is stronger. it seemed a ludicrous statement, but he agreed to try, and the next pair was much closer. at long last, we arrived at pair that seemed decent enough, so me and my giant foreign eyeballs walked happily out the door.

2009: sexy and sugar-free

many of you wonder what happened to mr. sugar since i haven't mentioned him in a while. well, i'm not really the new year's resolution type, but i also like the idea of starting fresh, so as the new year dawned, i considered my relationship to him. i knew that i was putting way too much thought into every little interaction we had, which isn't the sign of a healthy balance. i admitted to myself that it didn't seem likely it would go anywhere, so why waste anymore time hoping for it? that's when i decided to earnestly let go of him; stop hoping for anything in the future, cut off the part of me reaching out for his attention.
i did pretty well. it's hard to change your knee-jerk reaction to someone right away, but after that split second every morning, i'd return to not thinking of him.
two weeks later, i looked up to see him standing next to me in the copy room. he made some small talk and then said, "i have news." they should call it "knews," because as soon as he said that, i knew exactly what it was. over winter break he got married. yet another secret-till-it's-a-done-deal japanese romance. that explained a LOT. the invisible elephant, apparently sitting on my head, and the awkwardness that has surrounded our interactions the past several months, evaporated. somewhat giddily, i yammered congratulations, and he seemed truly surprised. i wonder if he expected me to cry. far from it; finally i could relax. finally i knew where he was really coming from.
it still strikes me as odd that not six months ago, he was telling me that everyone was pressuring him to find someone and get married, but he didn't want to...little did i know he was probably already staring down the long barrel of that gun. in japan, if you're past thirty and single, you may as well have a big, fat expiration date on your face. i guess the clock is ticking since i just turned 30!
;)

my first daikon

so my neighbor, aiko-san, the old lady who always tries to talk to me in a thickly dialectal japanese, offered me a daikon radish my first year, but i told her i didn't really know how to use it. by "told her," i mean i shrugged and looked helpless. however, since we've gotten to know each other better and since i've done more japanese cooking recently, when she offered me one from her garden this year, i accepted. she also threw in some fresh spinach. i looked up some ways to use daikon and decided on a miso soup, since that's easy. i even made real kombu seaweed broth, from scratch! most people here don't do that anymore, but it's not hard and gives the soup a more complex flavor and higher nutrient content. i threw a few yuzu (citrus) peels in the broth too, and it was the most delicious miso soup i've ever made!




i stewed the rest of the daikon and crushed some sesame seeds into a salty miso sauce, and ta-da! i polished off my first daikon in one sitting.


here's me goofing off in circle K, blowing the steam from my tiny matcha latte.

osechi in pink pants

let's get to it! lots of stuff to tell you. i'll start with the new year and weave crazily through time from there. lots of pictures too; prepare yourself.
this was my first christmas/new year in japan, even though i've lived here for 2 1/2 years; it was my first christmas away from home ever (more on that later). i wanted to experience something authentic or traditional from the japanese new year holiday, like making mochi or whatever, but i didn't have any takers right away. i at least wanted to eat some of the foods (like the mysterious osechi i heard people talk about). i got in the spirit of things by buying some of the fancy sweets that come out for the new year. they didn't really taste as good as they looked.


ok, this one was the prettiest and had the best texture.


something that tasted wonderful, though, was my latest obsession--ichigo daifuku! marina tried to get me excited about these when she lived here, but i just wasn't there yet. my slowly changing tastes have finally found their way back to this winter sweet. inside soft pink mochi and bean paste is a fresh strawberry. they're a little difficult to find, so when i did happen to come upon them, i bought as many as i could conceivably eat in a day (they expire very quickly). YUMMMY.














my tastes have really changed a lot since i came here. i'm actually proud of that. it's fun to get used to, and even begin to like things that used to be weird to you. a barely-poached egg (floating in liquid like an amputated eye), all yellow and runny and swirled into rice for breakfast used to be barf-o-rific. this year i started craving it; i couldn't get enough! i stopped barely tolerating bean paste and started liking it. i look forward to pickled vegetables with my meal. i relish the tart saltiness of umeboshi. my feelings about fish have changed a lot too; i used to only like sushi or a cooked fillet. but now...fish for breakfast? pickled fish with the skin on? whole tiny fish with sesame seeds? all fine with me.
anyway, cat and tomohiro came to my house for a little new year's party, and we played Uno (surprisingly hard to follow after all this time, even sober!), watched a movie, and at 11:30, hiked up the mountain behind my house in the dark (not one of my better ideas) to see the midnight fireworks from the top. i've been up that path several times in the daylight, and it's not very difficult, but between the two measly flashlights and tomohiro's odd city-boy lurching on the trail, it was more dangerous than i expected. it didn't help that we couldn't see how steep the trail was around us...or in front, or behind. we slid in leaves and stumbled over boulders and finally found our way to the rock that overlooks the city. in the darkness it looked a million times smaller and more precarious than in daylight. plus, i had just recalled the stories of wild boars in that area (was it a tall tale?). the idea of being cornered on a cliff by a massive wild boar terrified me. it would be all my fault, too. great.
after the brief fireworks, i begged the other two to go straight down, and we did. i didn't relax until we finally reached the safety of the road. 2009, ushered in by the fear of being gored or plunging to my death.

our "wild" night.


new year's day i got my wish. my friend wakana offered to make me lunch at her family home, and what was it? osechi! it turns out to be a collection of traditional foods (which vary by family) made or bought during the new year that you can kinda eat at any time without much preparation. that frees the womenfolk to relax too (supposedly). wakana's family's osechi looked like this:


the soup is ozoni, a soy-sauce broth with meat or veggies and mochi in it. there were also sweet black beans, jammy orange chestnuts, pickled sushi, fish cakes, fish eggs, and vegetables with lotus root. i liked everything but the fish eggs. her sweet grandmother beamed at me from her hospital bed in the living room. when i first arrived, i thought, "oh crap, am i disturbing her?" i remember my own grandmother when she got to the point where she was in hospital bed. she was often confused and distracted, but this tiny old woman was sharp! she gently got herself up and pulled out a photo album of wakana's baby pictures for me to see. she had taken all of them, and they were large, color prints that captured the parallel time of my own childhood in another country. the family's love was palpable in the pictures. it was surprisingly touching to see it. the only odd part was the occasional naked baby picture...which turned into the occasional naked middle-school picture as the album progressed. i don't really have a problem with tasteful? appropriate? nudity in art or life, but it was weird to have someone watching me look at nude pictures of my friend who was in the other room. what was i supposed to say? still, i was impressed by the collection and the fact that i had a chance to meet her sweet granny.

i went for a solitary walk on the 2nd. it was chilly, grey, and blanketed in that inpenetrable stillness that falls over towns during holidays when everyone is wrapped up inside. it was lonely, but in a good way; it was nice to be out in the freshness. most people put up sprigs of cleyera on their homes and businesses like we do evergreen wreaths, but i chuckled when i saw this one was put up with tape. i used to tape Everything, and my mom used to tease me about it. see mom! i'm not the only one!


the next stop was my favorite teacher and dear friend naoko's family home in tsu. i drove as the sun set and snapped pictures out the window.


a mikan (mandarin orange) grove above a bridge. mie is chock full of them. we are swimming in mikan. sometimes they terrace them over train tunnels. there is just No More Room for another orange tree.



hilarious. not a lot of competition to post signs here...on this abandoned shack.



finally i got to meet naoko's parents, who are both as sweet and wonderful as naoko herself! they said i was their "other daughter" and that it felt comfortable to have me there. i felt the same!
they made me osechi meal #2!
a lot of the same things here: in the middle; black sweet beans and a different kind of chestnut, then fish cakes, fish, veggies with lotus and shiitake, and fish eggs.


a side plate of sea cucumber (nice taste, weird texture) and pickled radish with a golden dish of sake.


a slightly less traditional dish; sausage and cabbage, and chawanmushi, which i helped make.


finally, homemade mochi toasted and wrapped in nori.


i shared artichoke hearts with them, so they could try something i love.


naoko's dad.


our family picture of sorts.


naoko's mom even gave me otoshidama, a gift of money (given to kids up through high school age) in a little envelope! i was really lucky and got just what i wanted for the new year: an experience of the traditional new year holiday with a wonderful family.

i have this under control?

as most of you know, i teach all of my classes with partner teachers who speak both english and japanese. i am the "native speaker." most of the time i trade off with the other teacher during the class, sometimes bearing most of the responsibility for the lesson, but i have never started class without the other teacher present. last week, however, one of the teachers i work with was occupied by some crisis when our class was supposed to begin. he waved me towards the door and told me to go ahead to class. i thought he would just be absent for a minute or two, but when he didn't come, i figured i should start class. silence fell over the room as i faced them, and i said the word i had heard hundreds of times, hajimemashou? "Let's begin." The question in my voice broke the tension, and everyone laughed. They rose, we bowed, and I started class alone for the first time. It felt good!

autumn, and i wanted to return to this wonderful place in kyoto i realized i never wrote about. during my first year, thanks to the magnificent sam and fiona, we saw the cherry blossoms in kyoto and stayed in a traditional merchant house, called machiya. it's one of the coolest places i've ever stayed. the mansion is mazelike and has many cool surprises, usually discovered when crawling around, feeling every corner in search of each room's three or four well-hidden light switches (one will be in a cabinet, one on the ceiling, and one outside the room). there are at least fourteen rooms, too, so turning off the 40 lights is practically a full-time job.
i assembled twelve friends and we gathered at the machiya for a november weekend. brian and i had to take off work early friday (since we live the farthest away) in order to check in on time. in celebration, we bought some beers and had a lovely afternoon drinking and knitting on the train!



when we arrived, a young man who spoke english met us there in order to go over the rules (and where to find the light switches!). when he mentioned he had lived in the US, i asked where and was surprised to hear it was seattle. i told him i had lived just south, in tacoma. he was like, "actually. tacoma is where i lived too." the coincidences got weirder. we both studied painting in tacoma at the same time! we both lived downtown. finally i said, "i lived near the Grand Cinema," and he said, "so you must have known the Kickstand Cafe?" of course i did. suddenly, the six years since folded up like an accordion, and the memory of his face surfaced. i had met him before, just once, in that cafe in tacoma!! he had even given me a japanese fashion magazine, which i still have!
whoa.

one by one, people arrived on buses and trains, and we took a "family picture" in the dining room.


we scattered through the house, exploring. each room is beautiful, and several of the rooms surround inner gardens open to the sky, separated by only paper shoji doors. the bathrooms each have a cedarwood bathtub, the absolute best material a bath could be made of. the wood is never cold like ceramic or steel, so you settle in with no shock of cold against your skin. it's marvelous. (a picture of that coming soon)
we made futon angels, and then talked late into the night.

WOOOOOOOAAA!

one lucky day in autumn is my school's ensoku or "excursion." each class goes somewhere as a group. last year i enjoyed playing in the park with the third-years, but this year the teachers worked extra hard, and we got to go to a theme park! on a weekday! for free! it was ridiculous! ;D
the only hard part was getting up at 5:30, but the morning was beautiful. we set off in seven buses (one homeroom per bus) for the long drive. it was the only time i've gotten to experience the (uniquely japanese?) feeling of the homeroom as a close-knit family. usually they have the same homeroom all three years of high school, so they really know each other well. the atmosphere was festive and kids moved freely around chatting an joking with each other, taking pictures of their classmates who had fallen asleep, and sharing snacks.
i talked a lot with hiroshi and yukimasa in the seat behind me because i know them pretty well. they sang a cappella songs, some in "english." one such song was Stand By Me, but instead of starting the chorus with 'Darlin' Darlin',' yukimasa burst into song with, "Stalin! Stalin!"



i also told them about Cold Stone Creamery, since they have one at the mall near the theme park. i told them they could choose their own base ice cream flavor, select the ingredients they want inside, and make their very own custom flavor of ice cream. stunned by the breadth of choice, but willing to give it a go, yukimasa pantomimed obama and said with conviction, "Yes we can!"

we pulled up in the shadow of the Steel Dragon, the 1st longest and 5th tallest roller coaster in the world! holy crap! it was amazing. i have never lived anywhere near an amusement park, so it was an awesome sight. even more amazing, i was flirting with the idea of riding it! weird, since i'm the type who would usually flat out refuse and go ride the merry-go-round instead. generally i do not like feeling like i'm going to die. i do not want to know what it's like to fall out of a skyscraper. call me crazy.
the weather was perfect, and the park was virtually empty when we arrived. the kids were given the freedom to do as they pleased, and i set off with two teachers to explore the park. i knew if i didn't grab that faint desire to try a roller coaster quickly, it would disappear and i would feel disappointed in myself. after getting a smashing view of the entire park from the ferris wheel, naoko and i lined up for the White Cyclone, a beautiful wooden coaster. it was my first real roller coaster ever.
i wondered if i would scream; screaming seems to take a lot of energy to muster. we climbed the first hill slowly and passed the ominous "Do Not Stand Up" sign, and the rest is history. we plunged down the clackety wooden hill so quickly and got so much lift that i was sure we were going to rip right off the tracks. my screams came effortlessly. the ride was thrilling to the end because the supports keep you from really seeing what's coming next. several times you cross into the structure itself, and it feels like you're going to lose your head in the beams. my legs were shaking as we headed out of the ride, but it was way exhilarating! the only question was: did i have enough guts left for the big one?


we meandered slowly to the base of the huge Steel Dragon. i needed some time to gather my wits, and i wanted to watch the ride from below first. the first hill is the biggest one. the Steel Dragon drops you more than 30 stories at 95 mph! i was on the brink of just walking away, but i knew it was my only chance to go with my students and not have to wait in any lines, so we took the plunge. the climb is slow enough (almost a minute of suspense) to get a good view and get really scared. naoko kept saying how high it was, and i said nothing at all. they get you to the very top and stop the ride for a few seconds so you have to face the ground before hurling towards it. i think it was one of the most terrifying things i've ever experienced! after the first two drops, i knew the worst part was over, so i enjoyed the rest of the twists without fear. thankfully that was when they snap the picture, so i had a huge smile of relief.

the view from the bottom:


and from the top: (Lewis Boeve's photo)

my 15 minutes of flame

due to the form-fitting and english-only nature of my real halloween costume ("Arms Race," see below), for school i once again donned the lolita garb for a new crop of freshmen. dressing up in this extreme fashion for school always makes me a bit nervous because it requires total commitment, and it's such a production! would the new principal flip? this year i skipped the fake hair since my own hair is long enough to curl, which made my day a little bit easier, but as i clomped down the hill in swishing skirts, be-ribboned within an inch of my life, i felt that familiar shot of adrenaline in preparation for the crazed havoc to come.
the other teachers, at least, must be used to my antics by now because there were only a few curious stares, and after i said "happy halloween" in the staff room, everyone chuckled and went back to their work. i went to class as usual, looking insane (but cute) since halloween isn't celebrated in japan. my third year students, who have had me all three years, weren't shocked, but one boy told me i was a dangerous beauty.
the first years weren't so blasé; they were all open-mouthed and squealing, and as soon as class adjourned, i was surrounded by frantic packs of them, camera phones blazing, shouting my name like the paparazzi to look their way. it spread like wildfire down the hallway as friends dragged other friends over to see what all the commotion was about. one girl was even following me down the hallway taking a video; it was crazy! i tried to capture some candid reactions, but i had some difficulty pointing my camera the right way. here's a short video of the tops of their heads.


later some third year boys came to visit, and i offered to take a picture with them, and they practically dove into the shot. i love the resulting photo; we look so classy!


i just realized i never posted last year's picture, so here it is too.



after school i changed into my other costume and drove up to matsusaka for the halloween party with the other JETs. i was SO surprised people didn't catch on right away, but everyone appreciated the work i put into customizing the dress, sewing the hands, etc. i even won a prize for most original, high five! ;)

niko-niko

tuesday of midterms week. i sit and waste time while everyone else bustles around with thick bundles of tests bound through a corner hole with brown twine. the students head home (hallelujah half-days) before lunch and then we all have many hours to kill.
one of the pleasures of test time is that i can leave for lunch, so i walked to the bank today in the sunlight. the air felt like it was made of watercolor. it didn't exactly smell like the ocean, but it was a watery freshness that i've only experienced near the ocean. faintly i smelled old man cologne, the comforting smell of someone's father or grandfather, then maple syrup. i am surprised by my own reflection in a newly-cleaned window; its grimness betrays the heavy thoughts settled under my enjoyment of the day. i resolve to let those things melt and try to relax my expression.
two new, brightly-colored posters with children's faces are hung at waist-level on a grey wall. i marvel that they are undefaced and will likely remain that way, in spite of the hundreds of high schoolers who pass by them every day. japan is a different animal. even i am slightly tempted to moustache the posters, but i restrain the impulse.
on my way back, i stop to watch the baby minnows. the shallow water is so thick with them that it looks ropey and twists around itself. when i look up again, an old man is also looking down at them from a footbridge. my brief refreshment over, i expect the rest of the day to be mundane and tiresome, as most afternoons are past 2:30, when time officially stops.
however, i am surprised by the news that a teacher of qigong (i know, what?) is giving a workshop in the kendo room of the school. i have just eaten and am feeling lazy. i don't want to do martial arts or try to keep up in japanese, so i plan to give it a miss.
...but, my friend michiko wants to see what they're doing and i want to see the kendo room. we decide to 見るだけ (only look) and traipse up to the room. of course, when they see us peering in, they make place for us in the circle, and suddenly i am not so thrilled we came. with little ceremony (on second thought, maybe we missed that part since we were 15 minutes late), we are partnered up (i'm with michiko, since she can translate for me) and we begin...massage! if i had known it was going to be massage, i would have been the first in the door. i mean, this is japan; i haven't had any real physical contact in like two years!
as i look around at the faces of the attendees, i am stunned by who chose to come; our principal and vice-principal, mr. okuji (who i swore hated me for a year but who i eventually learned was just a "traditional japanese man" and whom i now adore), the nurse! there are men and women of all ages, and everyone looks ridiculously game, even giddy! it is a surprising sense of intimacy, looking around at my fellow teachers in their workout gear and 5-toed socks, ready to learn how to relax. even more surprising, no one balks at the men and women paired together, everyone blithely cooperates. there's plenty of laughter, and i'm shaking my head at this new facet of my coworkers.
we do shoulder and arm massages, feet, and legs. everyone looks at me to make sure i understand, mimicking the movements and contributing words until the whole room is focused on me and i blurt in japanese, "gotcha!" and everyone laughs. little do they know how much practice i have, but they all seem endearingly naive to the benefits of massage. i swear, most of them have never had one because they seem utterly surprised at how good it feels!
michiko is the quietest i've ever seen her (she's a little high-strung), and her eyes are glassy. i ask if she's ok and all she can say is 気持ちいい, "feels good." we all leave with big smiles on our faces, which in japanese is ニコニコ (niko-niko). best day at the office, ever.

my chunky darling

have you ever tried dyeing your hair with a cow pie?
well i have.
my mom, the hairdresser, recently told me about some findings that a certain chemical in black hair dyes causes cancer. that isn't a huge leap in my mind; i mean they are chemicals, and one of the last things i want is a higher risk of cancer. she and i both dye our hair black, and we were both looking for an alternate solution. i bought the only black, chemical-free henna dye i could find before i headed back from the US this summer. a few days ago i gave it a shot.

what a monuMENTAL waste of time and energy. not only do you have to let the henna enjoy its coffee and news for three hours before you apply it, you can't use ANY metal instruments, bowls, clips, spoons, or even look at something metal the whole time. what's more, it smelled suffocatingly grassy, and it was the color and texture of a warm cow pie. delightful.


when it was finally time for the henna to crack its knuckles and get to work, i divided my hair off and started slopping the stuff on. it was thick and fibrous. chunks fell freely as i tried to work the thick stuff into my hair. i added water until it was the right texture, but it was still difficult getting it to adhere. i finally gave up on the chunks and just did the best i could to evenly apply it. THEN it began to drip. and drip. and drip. i couldn't keep up with the chunks flying and the drips snaking down my face, shoulders, and back.



i finally got the provided plastic bag around it, but then came the next ridiculous step--keeping it hot for twenty minutes or more. i was trying to aim the hairdryer into the plastic bag without melting it, prevent the drips from overflowing (not easy when the bag inflated from the hairdryer) and keep my hair warm enough to actually work. fail!
i finally got fed up and just wanted the filthy stuff OFF my head, screw the dye job. my hair was now nappy and disgusting and pretty water repellant. it took at least four washes to pry the plant bits off of my scalp.
in the end, my entire bathroom looked like it had been dive-bombed with dung, and i smelled like a feed lot for a week!

falling

it's a grey monday, and the air smells like toasted marshmallows and campfire. the temperature dropped twenty degrees this weekend, and the mornings are stirred with chill. the air is drying up in the woodsmoke. i smiled to myself as i took the rubbish up to the bin this morning because i love fall even though it freezes into winter. at least i have my clear windows now!
the walls of my house are patrolled endlessly by tiny jumping spiders. last year i would have put them outside, but this year i don't care anymore. they are one of the least offensive arachnids i've encountered: too small to look horrible, they don't spin webs, and they do a funny little flex with their facial feelers which makes them look like tiny boxers preparing to scrap. i leave them alone to catch the other bugs. me and the spiders. i've been soo lucky this year and have only seen one (one!) mukade, and i'm hoping to keep it that way as long as possible.
saturday was a brilliant, sunny, chilly day--my favorite kind. i got up early and danced around the house in the sun. it was the kind of morning you want to do the crossword over coffee with your darling, full of fresh air and light. i like that "darling" is a word that has become synonymous with "boyfriend" in japan. friday i was asked, "darling imasuka?" i couldn't help smiling, but the answer was still, no, i don't have a darling. that's the same boy, who instead of saying, "joke! joke!" like most of my kids when they say something untrue, blurted out, "it's fiction!"
this year i have been really working on the ankle i injured several years ago in a skateboarding wreck. i want the mobility and strength back, so i've been running and stretching, running and stretching. i'm amazed what a difference it's made. it still aches, but i don't get foot cramps when i point my toes and faux-ballet around the room. i've been doing that a lot lately.
the barbecue/onsen party was interesting. after 45 hellish minutes in the back of a van on a narrow, twisy road that would make any sane person green, i emerged on shaky legs and stood forlornly in the forest. was it really worth it? mr. sugar turned to me and smiled in the faint light, "hi lauren."
the group was intimate by normal party standards, just nine people. we stood around some rustic picnic tables, and everyone rustled into action. i didn't know what to help with, so when someone brought a bench, i sat. soon there was fire and food. i was on the corner by mr. sugar. i marveled at his quiet conversation, that he seemed content to talk to me about pancakes. he was quietly, gently attentive. another beer, more vegetables, even noticing when i had bits of corn cob and pepper stems in my bowl and offering a place to discard them. i understand him less as time goes on, but i loved those sweet moments.
finally, just before the girls headed off to the onsen, kuma-san looked up with a rascally smile and told me there was a "konyoku," a bath where men and women could bathe together, and he pointed right at me and mr. sugar! in the midst of the translation, i didn't really have time to respond, and after a pause, mr. sugar spoke up in what i supposed at the time was a proxy response for me, "no thank you!" later, though, i wondered if that was really for himself, which made me a tiny bit sad.

the mongrel cat came home, holding half a head

last night i had some bizarre dreams, bizarre like i used to have. bizarre like i have something going on in my head again. the first part was some older man in my life trying to marry me off to another older man who i only slightly knew. i started protesting, "but he's much too old!" and the man told me that "it doesn't matter to God." i'm sure it would matter to God that i didn't love him, though! my mom seemed to support this marrying-off thing. i was like, "but i'd much prefer a guy like joe," (an estimable friend from my real past, who ironically i dreamed years ago that i couldn't marry). their answer was, "but you don't know anyone else like joe."
part two we get to the serious stuff. i was over at a friend's house and discovered she had a face that looked just like mine, my "extra" face in a square aluminum pan. she gave it to me to care for. it was just the front half of my head, though i still had my own. it was heavier than i expected, and the back was open and exposed and vulnerable. i suppose that's how you attach it to your head if you need it... the poor thing looked hot and feverish, and i wondered how long it could survive like that. i put it in some cool water and soon it looked much better. it didn't look as feverish, and the lips were just a little chapped. i carried it away with me. i felt protective tenderness for it, but how do you care for just a face?
part three: i still lived in japan, so i wasn't familiar with many people. one of my friends died. her body was wrapped in plastic, and since there was no one else to respectfully treat her remains, i put her in a wheelbarrow and walked a long way through early winter streets to the cemetery, so i could bury her body. when i arrived, i realized i had forgotten a shovel. sigh. but then i ran into my friend sadye, and she had a shovel. i could see there were some bugs inside the plastic on the top of my friend's wool coat, and i was loath to see my friend's body touched by them when we put her in the ground.

that's it. i wasn't as disturbed by these dreams as i could have been. i was more grateful for them, because at least they're imaginative. what is my heart trying to tell me? the strongest thing i felt when i woke up was the need to start loving my face with the rest of me. i've always been happy with my body and displeased with my face. long and skinny with an under bite and too much chin, poor skin when i was younger, swampy eyes. but in my dream i was like, "it's a good face. and what's more, it's my face. who's going to care for if i'm not?"
i know, deeep. but it's true.

i was a little jumpy in my sleep due to a late-night nerds candy fix. sugar before bed, not a good idea. (oh the connotations that statement now reeks with!) i woke up when someone walked by my window about 4am, and then again several more times until my alarm finally went off. urgh. then i fretted over my lack of money and went to school.

when i got to school, i barely had a moment before a young teacher came down to invite me to a yakiniku/onsen party this evening. she began to list the people coming. the second person she mentioned was of the sucrose persuasion, so it was decided, of course i would go!
i recently got some information passed to me from one of the office girls that at the most recent enkai, she overheard an older man known as "kuma-san" (mr. bear) who was observing me talk with mr. sugar comment, "they look like they get along well. maybe they should get married." it happens to be kuma-san who told the teacher to invite me tonight. what's he playing at? it's probably nothing, but it's an unusual time for a party, so i am excited.

last week i was in the middle of composing a deflated post called "now sugar-free." it started, "it seems my last giddy post about mr. sugar was my last giddy post about mr. sugar." he almost visibly, physically ignored me for a month after our happy, comfortable baseball lesson. one day when we came face-to-face and i started to say hello, he gave me a look like he was drowning. i just kept walking. i mean, who does that!? it was just a hello. the next day when we passed, i gave him the stinkeye. maybe it was a subtle stinkeye, but it was still there. that night, i had a good cry and started to feel better. i embraced the idea that i can't force anything and don't want to waste time feeling sorry over some guy who can't pull it together enough to figure out if he likes me.
the very next day, dressed in a slate blue shirt that was dead sexy against his dark skin (sorry, it's a fact), i looked up to find him waving from across the room. what is it with that wave!? it gets me every time. i waited several minutes and then went over and we talked for a bit. it settled me on many levels. i guess it is unlikely we will be anything more than sometimes friends, but i feel better about that since then. it felt less final than the drown-face.

one of the things i told him was that i have decided to take the JLPT, a japanese language test. finally, i have started setting some goals. having this to work toward has made a huge difference in my life. i have also been feeling like it's time to write my book, i finally have something to say again. my voice comes in fits and starts, but like a temperamental fountain pen, it's getting stronger the more i scratch it across the paper.

home again home again, jiggety jig

when i boarded the plane to fly home this summer, i was staggered by how close together the seats were back in regular price land. not first class, business, or even "economy plus," the seats were unbelievably crammed. now you have to pay extra just so your legs won't fall asleep! i've made this flight several times by now, and i was certain this was a new low. i even checked the air and light panels above to see if they had just moved the seats back a few notches to fit more people in! when i sat down, my knees actually touched the seat in front of me until i took out the magazines in the seat pocket. it was going to be a long flight.
four hours later i decided, as i stared at the "moving" map of our progress across the ocean while waiting for another movie to start, that this is a special form of torture. it's like being forced to watch the slowest download in the world. ooh, a whole 12% complete! only 640 hours to go!
mt. fuji


but home was still there when i arrived.
i had this fear as a child that i would go on a trip and return a few days later, only to find my family long gone and everything changed because i had really been gone 30 years. i also feared at one point that my mom had been replaced with a very convincing double who would eventually kidnap me and replace me too, but that was because of Get Smart. thank you Nick at Nite.
so i've not been living in the US for two years now. that is apparently how long it takes to completely lose the ability to cope with bad customer service. without fail i leave the nagoya airport feeling peaceful and respected as a customer, and arrive in san francisco to be dismantled by the security personnel screaming in my docile face to "MAKE TWO LINES!!" or something like that. i wonder what it must be like to have never experienced america and have that be your introduction to it! are we really that unruly? after 15 hours of travel, does it really take all of your lung power to get me in a line? i would have done anything for the promise of a face cloth or extra deodorant.

ahh, america! the country where my hair looks good.

perplexing service people, a favorite pastime...

...second only to trying genghis khan-flavored caramels. i kid you not. actually, the meat and onion caramels were pretty good, like a tiny little willy wonka meal.

ugh. i will try to ignore how gross i feel right now and write this, because there are many little things to talk about, and i haven't really been getting them up lately.
so, in my never ending quest to make grammatically perfect japanese sentences (yeah right), or at least ones that aren't complete gibberish, i was preparing to ask the old man of ye corner office supply store what colors of plastic tape he had. was it nan iro, nani iro, donna iro? i cross-referenced my handy online dictionary to see if the combination of characters meant something other than what i hoped to say. nani is used all the time and means "what," and iro means "color." this was the result:

(nani) 何 【なに; なん】 (int,n) (1) what; (pref) (2) (なん) how many (some counter); (col) euph. for genitals or sex

seriously?

(iro) 色 【いろ】 (n) (1) colour; color; (2) sensuality; lust; (adj-f) (3) various

what!? so i could conceivably be saying "what color?" or "genital sensuality!" you can see the kind of danger that awaits me around every corner.

i often order books on amazon.jp because japan still believes you will pay Cash On Delivery shipments. i order the books i want, and when they deliver them to my school, i pay the delivery guy. just like a pizza! the one thing i always forget is that they call me a few minutes before they deliver to let me know they're coming. usually i miss the call because i'm in class, but last time i heard my phone ring and answered. a mistake? maybe. the guy said some LOONG something about who he was (i guess?), but i heard the word "amazon," so i figured it out. he paused. i said a very tentative (if you had looked up the word tentative, this would've been the example) hai...
it seems like all people ever say on the phone in japan is hai. people have entire conversations made of the word hai! this seemed to be an acceptable answer, so he said something else, even longer!
and paused.
i tried another tenuous, hai..... he continued! what on earth could he possibly be telling me about a single book delivery!? another pause.
this time it was more of a hai? i was losing faith that we would ever reach a conclusion. i was going to be trapped on the phone forever, understanding nothing, blindly agreeing. finally he said something i did understand, so i got to say with conviction, sou desu. "that's true." and then i got to hang up.

my last story of the day is how to be lazy and solve problems with your digital camera. i always have my camera with me, always. i've gotten into the habit of taking pictures of anything i find amusing, to share with you later (see the vibrating worm video below).
i was at the home store to buy a shelf for my shower room. i found the shelf i wanted, but it was cheaper than i remembered. i realized they had replaced the old price tag with a new one, cool, a discount! but i have often found that these "new" prices don't get rung up correctly (and without the ability to really explain, i usually let it slide), so for the hell of it, i took a picture of the shelf with the new price tag. when i got to the front, sure enough, the old price came up. i was like, wait. then i showed the guy the picture. ha! he called someone to check on the price and finished ringing up my other stuff. then we stood there awkwardly, and i could just imagine him thinking, "why on earth--? how did she--?" and i just stood there and quietly smirked. and then i got my discount.

and here is some fun...there has been a massive hatch of these caterpillars all over town, and i discovered they will writhe around or vibrate if you blow on them, and i think it's dead hilarious.