i eat dirt

i haven't been gone very long, but it feels like a lifetime, or: half life and full circle.

2011-07-13T16:19:00.000-06:00

well hello! no, i haven't abandoned the dear little blog. i will absolutely continue to write, but i've been a bit snowed under. read all about it...
way back in april when i started this post, just as i was enjoying the pattern of my routine settling in and realizing suddenly (with some surprise) that i wasn't unhappy, it all began to change. i knew my long housesitting stint would come to an end, but i was doing a creative job i really enjoyed three days a week (photoshopping) and getting lots of other stuff done on my looong weekends, while half-heartedly looking for other work. i was cooking a lot and getting crafty every night. life was marvelously simple.

the sequined brooches i was making.

my life at the first housesitting house.

playing with hair extensions.

as order falls towards chaos, so does life fall away from simplicity. i started having an ongoing choking/pressure sensation--understandably distressing. i wondered if it was just stress, so i went for a hard run which usually forces my muscles to relax and always leaves me physically "new." this time the choking feeling still hounded me, which was compounded by my distress: pounding heart, tightness in my stomach and chest, anxiety. i just didn't know if i was psyching myself into it or not, but eventually decided to go to the doctor. he listened very carefully and was reassuring; we did a few tests and tried a medication for acid reflux. while the sensation got better somewhat, it still comes and goes.
in the midst of this haze, i found out i'd be losing my job because the place i worked was going out of business. terribly sad all around, and terribly sad for me because it was one of the very few jobs (or only one?) i've had that was creatively fulfilling. that did nothing to ease my hair-trigger panic. as i fumbled around in my brain trying to figure out what kind of work i should try to find, another amazing housesitting job dropped in my lap. sigh of relief. at least i wouldn't be in dire straits for money and a place to live.
the strawbale country house was like a two-month retreat. it smelled like desert sage constantly (perhaps due to the fact that i was conceived less than a mile from there, sage smells like home); Chama the dog was a sweet, smart, comforting companion (this from an unrelenting 'cat person'); and i had ample time, space, and friendship (hi Miki!) to deal with the job transition. mom and her brand new back injury could visit me without too much trouble, and (shh, don't tell) i had all my earthly possessions in the spare room. not typical housesitter behavior, but i didn't want to put it back in storage again after just finally getting it all cleaned up again.

the beautiful house

Cham-ster

breakfast overlooking the river

the Great Book-Airing of '11

my earthly possessions had increased quite a bit because the incredibly generous owner of the previous house basically gave me all the furniture that was left there: a comfy bed and sofa, dresser, and kitchen table! he also hired me to paint the entire interior of that house to prepare it for selling. i enlisted the help of my friend candace, and we worked our asses off trying to finish that job. it was epic, but i was proud of the job we did. white hydrangea, i love you, but i don't want to see you again for a long time.
after that, i found a temporary summer job doing merchandising for a greenhouse that ships plants to Home Depot. that means i was at Home Depot, but i didn't work for Home Depot. it was wonderful to arrange flowers in the hot sun for 6 hours, but my job mainly consisted of telling people i didn't work for Home Depot and didn't know how many cubic feet the 50 pound bags of mulch covered, etc. i knew it was going to get brutal as the summer heated up, but because we had an incredibly slow spring, i was only getting one day of work a week and couldn't plan another job around that, so when i found a job perfectly suited to me a month later, with a subtle look, i exited.
i returned to the fold of crema hounds; i re-became a barista. i'm the manager of the drive-thru satellite of a coffee shop where i worked seven years ago, yeah! actually, it's been really fun doing something that doesn't require bleeding in the brain to come up with some activity that jaded 5-year-old japanese children will want to do. bonus! the customers have been great, and it's super interesting interacting with people in their cars because they pull up a bubble of their space next to a bubble of mine: they listen to music, talk to their friends, pet their dogs, smoke, eat, etc. i like seeing a little section of every person's life.
the shop:

i work the place alone; with two windows for cars and a third for walk-ups, it gets hairy sometimes, and i love it. i fly around stirring espresso into chocolate, toasting bagels, blending smoothies, heating burritos, and chatting with everyone i can. the day flies by, and by the end, i actually feel like i've accomplished a lot. i hope it lasts, because it feels like exactly what i need right now.
i found this new job a week or two before i had to leave the 2nd housesitting gig, but i didn't really have a place to go. my mom's next door neighbors offered to let me housesit for 10 days, but there was no way i could put alll my stuff in their house, so what should i do with it? answer: take it back to the first house! all freshly painted and uninhabited, the owner agreed to let me keep my stuff in the garage for a few weeks until i found a place to live. so i started a new job, was living out of boxes next door to my mom (hilarious), and then two weeks later, i moved in with my mom...for four days. after which i moved again, to my final resting place: my current apartment. i should note, i didn't move alone. my mom was out of commission with her now well-worn back injury, so an old friend named alex helped me move three times in three weeks. do they make IOUs that big? (more on alex later.)
when i saw the crapholes some people in this town are trying to rent for more than i paid in a big-city suburb in japan, i was scandalized. get real, or get real estate, i should say. slumlords have apparently united, so i was thrilled to find a spacious one bedroom with a beautiful view and all but the electricity included. honestly, my first thought was, "i could have a kotatsu in here!" and i will! the building is amazingly quiet (yay for living near old people!), but apparently half the people also smoke (quietly), so there is secondhand smoke in my apartment almost every hour of the day. ick. but tonight, for some reason, there is only the smell of rain-washed night air, so i'm happy. after 6 months of living half a life in other people's spaces, it has been wonderful to finally unfold.

the view.

my kotatsu-ready living room.

the morning view.

caramel-sensei visits d-town, the food tour

2011-03-27T19:39:00.011-06:00

my friend kara came for a visit--we met in japan and lived in the same small town for two years. she took a break from her crazy law school schedule to eat the eats (priorities!) and see the sights of my hometown. our first night was ernie's treat--dinner at Ken and Sue's.

team kumano reunited!

birthday cake martini; i'm not complainin'

speaking of birthday cake: starbuck's birthday cake pop. yes, i was having a little cake obsession.

the next morning i made raspberry scones with orange glaze...for which i didn't have any powdered sugar, so i just used regular sugar. it was...crunchy.

we stopped by the rocky mountain chocolate factory for their irresistable caramel apples and sat in the sun to devour them. you like my squinty eyes?

mine was snickers.

we did a lot of knitting, some tv watching, hot springs soaking, and japanese crosswording. 99% of my contributions were food-related...guiltily, i changed "ume" to "hime."

the last day we had tempura bento.

so soon we had to say goodbye, but i enjoyed myself completely! thanks so much for the fun times, miss kara.

adventures in housesitting: in the belly of the solar beast

2011-03-21T09:34:00.003-06:00

i woke to four fox-colored paws landing on the the bed. Chama the Mystery Alert Dog was determined to wake me up. i sat up, blearily ordering her to get down, but after a few seconds i realized the house was abuzz with electronic beeps and chirps. this week i moved into a new housesitting place--a solar house in the country with little more than the river and sagebrush for neighbors. according to my mobile phone, it was 1:30 a.m., and the whole house was without power.
the moon was bright, so i crept downstairs with my heart pounding at the strangeness of it all and found my flashlight. slowly i slipped in every room searching for a fuse box or some other magic reset button. no luck. the chirping continued. in exasperation, i tried calling the mobile number of the house's owner, but it was off--big surprise in the middle of the night. cringing, i dialed the number of a friend who lives down the same dirt road and thankfully she answered. i asked if she knew where the fuse box was, but she didn't. she informed me sleepily that her power was also out, which was actually a relief...it wasn't a fluke i needed to figure out. there are no lights visible from the house, so i wouldn't have known otherwise. i tracked down all the beeping appliances--crabby surge protectors and cordless phones frantic at being unable to communicate with their cradles--and unplugged them, called the electric company to alert them of the outage, and went back to bed.
just as the adrenaline was finally fading and i was drifting off, Chama the M.A.D. landed on the bed again. what now!? the power was back on (!) so i plugged everything in again and rolled back into the covers. i knew what came next was inevitable, though: an hour later the electric company called to let me know the power was back on! sigh. after waking up once more when Chama yipped in her sleep, i finally dragged myself out of bed to get ready for work. good morning, Monday. :)

daifuku diva

2011-02-28T12:54:00.010-07:00

after figuring out that i could make the mochi for japanese sweets pretty easily, without the ordeal of pounding it as you do regular mochi, i got the right flour and picked up a can of white beans to make shiro koshian from the recipe i found online. red and white bean pastes have a mild, sweet, earthy flavor; they don't really taste like beans.
first i undressed the white kidneys and smashed 'em through a metal sieve with some water.

i poured the white sludge onto a kitchen towel and squeezed all the water out.

the resulting product looked like i thought it should, so i added the sugar syrup and cooked it until the texture seemed about right.

next i made the gyuhi (soft mochi); with this recipe it couldn't be easier. you dissolve sugar and water into your rice flour, nuke it, and stir until it takes on that unique soft, warm, skin-like texture.

my materials: the middle bag is katakuriko...potato starch to dust the outside so they won't stick, and below that is some ready-made smooth red bean paste called koshian. lumpy bean paste is called tsubuan.

i patted my white bean paste around some strawberries (should have done that before i made the gyuhi) and stretched little lumps of the dough over them. then i was free to stuff myself.

strawberries in shiro koshian.

chestnuts in red koshian.

the finished ichigo (strawberry) and kuri (chestnut) daifuku.

the white bean paste would have been much better if i had actually blended it in a blender and used fresh-cooked beans, but it wasn't too bad.

YUM.

overcome run

2011-02-26T16:35:00.003-07:00

in the spirit of my birthday theme (more you, less me), i was inspired to do a 5k fundraiser in support of a local woman who has cancer. the day before the run, though, my motivation was flagging. as is typical, my neurotic mind was too focused on the details surrounding the event instead of the reason i wanted to do it. i'd have to get up early...what if i couldn't find parking? should i carry water and my inhaler? i'd never done a public run before, and i don't enjoy running outside. it seems trivial, i know, but these are the kinds of thoughts that often go through my head when i'm considering something. but...i figured there was no better time to take a step towards living for others, so i put aside those issues and went for it! it felt great!
my goal was to run the whole 5K without stopping, which i did in 31 minutes. my real victory was just deciding to run at all.

happy birthday to me! i'm 11 + 22 + 33

2011-02-08T14:00:00.008-07:00

32 is apparently a happy number in mathematics, so hopefully this will be a happy year for me too. it was a quiet birthday, but it was enjoyable...maybe especially because no one even attempted to sing me the birthday song. mom made dinner for me at my house, so when i came home from work it was ready.

she had decorated with balloons and streamers and laid my mail and presents out beautifully.

she even poked fun at my ocd-level paranoia about the hanta virus with a toy mouse.

dessert was coconut cream pie with allll the candles.

the next night ernie treated me to delicious sushi, the best of which was this refreshing salmon and lemon roll.

mochi ice cream doesn't have room for 32 candles.

thanks to mom and ernie's birthday gifts, i got to order from my favorite online japanese grocery again!

the next night a few friends came over for board games, my favorite, and thus ended the birthday week.

32 eve

2011-01-31T20:15:00.007-07:00

guess what i got?

stuff!

mom dropped by work to bring my mail, and mixed in was a packing slip...i was like, "hey! did i get a box from japan?" she said, "you got thirteen boxes."
exactly two months by surface mail, and japan delivered. even more awesome was that all 22 of my boxes cleared customs with no fees and not a thing was damaged. i was most excited to open my dishes, probably because they are things i delight in using every day, and they remind me of my special peeps.

my bed sheet was too small for the bed i'm borrowing, so i used it to laurenate...laurenize? the living room.

then i invited mom over for some rilakkuma pancakes.

my tea shelf is out of control.

i finally got to use my new bento box! it's my new favorite sack lunch: poached egg on rice with kimchi.

speaking of stuff, last weekend i finally had a chance (and help) to clean out my storage unit. that stuff has been in there for four and a half years. as an added thrill, there was plenty of mouse poop, two dead mice, and some stuffing they had pulled out of the box spring. ordinarily mice wouldn't be that big of a deal to me, but a lovely little thing called hanta virus is carried by mice and can kill you quick. i went in armed with a mask and lots of bleach, but it kinda made me wonder if all that stuff was worth it. i haven't had a chance to open up all the boxes yet, but after unpacking some of my special (you guessed it) dishes, i think it was. however, this brings me to this year's two-part birthday theme:
1. No More Stuff!
i have quite an accumulation of japan and pre-japan stuff, so this year i'd like to focus on just using what i have. of course there will be things i need (non-disintegrating turtlenecks) and things i desperately want (cough*iPhone*cough), but i'm going to try to finish the two hundred projects i have started, enjoy good food, and not add anything to my pack-rattery.
2. Eyes Outward
i'd also really like to focus on not me, though i know it will be hard as a single, introspective only child. i want to stop seeing my problems and needs first all the time and pay more attention to others. i could absolutely stand to be more flexible, so here it goes!

since u been gone

2011-01-14T19:58:00.017-07:00

well, i left off with a pathetic missive and then avoided you for a month, but i'm getting back on track--forging a new way to live my life with parts of the old and the now welded together into something new. i've been mostly happy every day--not moping about nearly as much as you might have believed. it's actually kinda hard to be depressed when you're finally home for christmas.
my first notable thought about the US:

the potatoes are massive!

i got busy investigating the available japanese food options. this package of umeboshi cost seventeen dollars--500% more than they would cost in japan!! and the package is neither heavy, nor fragile, nor requiring of refrigeration. why so bloody expensive!? i'll tell you the answer: suckers like me.

i also bought some sesame oil and seaweed.

i made zucchini...just because i could.

i marveled at the beer selection...and this is only one part of it.

mom and i drove into the mountains to slay some christmas trees.

we put her tree in the car and mine on top...with tape. that's how we roll.

we put up our trees. my housesitting house.

mom's house.

it snowed.

and snowed and snowed and snowed.

so i shoveled and shoveled and shoveled. it took me three hours to move this heavy wall of snow that the plows had left.

i used a rice spatula to sculpt a big korilakkuma.

she didn't last long.

since my belongings are still in limbo somewhere, one of the only ways for me to connect with the familiar has been to cook japanese food--lots of it. that's been much easier since one of my christmas presents was a gift certificate to an online japanese grocery. i went crazy!!

veggie miso soup.

thank goodness there's a korean lady in town who makes dynamite kimchi!

in preparation for eventually making oden, i practiced cabbage rolls.

i fried tofu for abura age. i swore i would never deep-fry anything, but i was desperate. it was a scary process! i think my pan was too small, and let me tell you, deep-frying is an unpredictable and energetic process. i'm happy to have escaped with the skin of my face in tact.

the biggest problem in making japanese dishes has been that the typical cuts of meat in america are slabs, not thinly-sliced, so finding the right kind of meat for any hot-pot meal has been a challenge. finally i talked to a butcher who offered to freeze some meat and slice it up for me...i don't think pork has ever made me happier. i added it to my nabe two nights ago, and it was delicious! for those who need to know: beef top sirloin and ribeye, and pork "country ribs" (they're boneless) are the perfect meats for sukiyaki and nabe...tender with a little marbling. my pre-nabe ingredients.

though i didn't use "authentic" mushrooms or white, long onions, i was surprised how amazing it tasted anyway.

finished!

lastly, i borrowed a little molasses from mom because it's similar to japan's "black honey"...kuromitsu. mom warned me the blackstrap molasses is strong, and she wasn't kidding. it was so strappy you could make tar-colored high heels out of it. i watered it down with white sugar and water, and over ice cream with kinako, it was perfect.

looking glass girl

2010-12-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

after almost half a decade in japan, it feels shocking to wear shoes inside, and i had to call my mom to ask if you really throw light bulbs away in the regular trash. happily i found japanese rice at the store and have had a pot of miso soup in my fridge constantly since i returned.
three weeks! so much has happened. i started a part time job at photo shop, bought a car, moved into my housesitting house, and immediately started having car trouble. i already feel like i’ve been gone for months, which makes me sad. some nights it comes back strong, though…just the simple memory of riding the train home or going to the grocery store…the familiar places that are 6000 miles away.
in many ways i’ve been blessed: the car is fixed enough for now; the house where i’m living gives me the space and financial freedom i need during this transition; the job has been a surprising delight; and i’m still healthy and not totally broke (yet). in spite of all that, it’s hard not to feel aimless and fearful about the future. where am i going? my immediate practical needs have demanded most of my energy and thought, but when i have a little time, a big question mark curls through my head like a black snake.
this morning, a bit too tired, i unexpectedly connected with the feeling of loss that lingers around me like smoke and burst into tears. with virtually all of my possessions still on a ship somewhere, my days have felt robbed of memories; the present is so present. it felt good to cry about it, to miss my friends and the place i carved out there.

fugue state

2010-11-28T14:06:00.001-07:00

i sat down to write this first blog from the other side and the song iTunes chose started, “I'm coming apart at the seams.” that's pretty close to how i feel. what’s wrong with me? the song continues, “Doc, there's a hole where something was. Doc, there’s a hole where something was.” i feel i’ve been stripped of something, a very identity, that’s been part of me for four and a half years, every fiber still raw and painful from having it torn away.

moving back from japan is way hard, guys.

the first day was great. woke up late, hung out with mom, went out with some friends who were in town for thanksgiving, dressed up, had fun. the second day mom and i had a very small conflict which precipitated an hour-long cry as i faced the “what the hell am i doing here/will i ever be happy in america” monster. extreme, i know. but it feels extreme.
going to a country where i was conspicuously different was weird enough, but i expected it to be unfamiliar. no one else expected me to know what was going on either. over time i acclimated and forgot what i was used to before. coming back, everything is familiar but no less strange. i feel the need to preserve a distance from strangers, store clerks, waitresses. people act too familiar and i don’t understand why; i don’t know them. i really feel like an alien who has been on another planet, and while people recognize my face, it feels like there’s a very different person in there.

i thought my hometown would feel safe, not too stressful--a good place to figure out the next step. it still may be, but while i’m overwhelmed by my emotions, i feel totally under-stimulated. this place is beautiful, but it doesn’t have what i need. i need real japanese food, a cheap mobile phone with email, and fit grannies laughing raucously outside the window. i need people speaking in languages i can’t understand, clean subway trains, and conbinis with onigiri. i need unsweetened bottled green tea, karaoke, and onsens.

i do have an awesome housesitting situation, but it’s freezing cold and i don’t have a car. so what do i do? ride my mom’s bicycle until my face falls off? buy a car? that’s kind of a big deal. i don’t know what i really expected, but it’s my practical problem of the moment: how to become independent again ASAP.

it’s not all bad. i did some laundry and used the dryer. things are so soft, unwrinkled, and you know, dry. i had some mexican food and two martinis. the house is warm and so is the water in all the public bathrooms. those things take the edge off.
i’m trying not to lose sight of the things i wanted to do when i came back. i’m trying to hold on to the girl i was there, so i can be her here too and not this mess, but it’ll take a little time.

new life ahead

2010-11-22T22:44:00.002-07:00

everything is finally done, and i'm waiting in the airport for my flight to be called. i was sent off by six wonderful friends and made it through security in a flash and then stumbled down the carpeted ramp to the gates with my eyes blurred by tears. i don't know what's ahead, and i'm definitely feeling kinda unsure about it, but i've had an incredible life here in japan for four years and four months. i'll miss it more than i can fathom right now, i know. thank you to everyone who made my time here so incredible and special: students, friends, church members, and polite service people! :)
パイパイ

goodbye kumano

2010-11-15T19:47:00.001-07:00

listening to the waves from matsumoto toge one last time.

the sayonara post

2010-11-15T01:23:00.003-07:00

my move from japan is coming loud and fast like an express train, leaving me little time to process my departure from this home of four years. i leave in a week! however, i knew i had to see kumano again, so in the midst of my frantic hurricane of getting rid of things and saying goodbyes, i drove down today. kumano is almost like a person to me, someone i need to see and smell and touch before we part for what i can only imagine will be quite a few years. i spent the end of my 20s here, learned how to teach, watched the seasons ripen and fade. it's a place that didn't look like much to me when i arrived but held treasures that sound cliche to list but are no less amazing: the people, the golden evening light, the smell of the air, the dramatic mountains. i'm trying to soak it all up and take it with me, this second home.
thanks for coming on the journey! big spiders, little victories; it's all been exciting. i will certainly continue to write, though i may not get another chance before i'm back on colorado soil, so keep the light on for me.

jettison

2010-10-14T03:49:00.004-06:00

no comments on my last two posts, i must be getting really boring. i admit i've had something like writer's block since i really started to face moving home. it's like my creative sap has moved inward to protect my heart, like your blood does when exposed to extreme cold. i'm still experiencing everything, i just haven't been able to express much.
tonight smells like snow, but it's only smoky and cool. it feels close and safe like snowy nights, too. in any city, some nights feel dangerous, and you hurry home with the key ready, but when everything is covered in a heavy white shadow, the peace feels inviolable.
i meander to the monthly recycling spot, listening to the crickets gurgling the air. i leave a big bag of clothes i've decided to part with. that's always a hard decision for me because clothes are so personal, they have so much history, but it's time to let go. i hold onto things too diligently, which is a burden when you move as much as i do. i've moved 27 times that i know about. hopefully i can find a place to stay one of these days.

カツ丼

2010-10-02T04:28:00.001-06:00

as my saturday evening classes wound down tonight, i found myself craving katsudon. it was a rabid craving, unwilling to be placated by anything else. i asked my students where i might be able to find katsudon, and they didn't really know, so i headed home with no clue. most restaurants in japan are pretty specialized, and i mentally clicked through the places i already knew: italian...eel...udon...buffet...ramen...chinese...omurice...sushi, nowhere that might carry katsudon. after a peek on the internet, i was happy to find a listing for a katsudon restaurant just blocks from my apartment. i had no idea when i chose this apartment, but it's in a sweet spot with prolific restaurant options. searching for places alone in my car makes me nervous because i have to pay attention to traffic and stoplights and look for the the place, but searching for somewhere on my bike doesn't stress me out at all. if i stop in the middle of the sidewalk suddenly or need to turn around, no harm done. street view maps make it even easier because you can see what the storefront looks like before you even leave your house. so as a blue dusk fell, i headed off on my bike with a mental map and arrived at the katsudon place in like two minutes!
stage two: going into an unfamiliar place alone. this can be intimidating enough in your own country, but in a foreign country it can be even more nerve wracking. from outside the place looked pretty busy for so early in the evening. that's a good sign; the food is probably good, but i wondered how full it was. in japan: you just never know. there are places that look like closets that have hidden upstairs seating, just as there are places that look huge but only seat a few. so i took a deep breath and went inside. there was plenty of room at the counter, and since i already knew what i wanted, i ordered right away. the katsudon was around $9.50, and it came with salad, miso soup, pickled vegetables, and tea. take into account there's no tipping or tax, and that's a good, hearty meal for the price. even better: it was exactly what i wanted. i ate as much as i possibly could and rolled home satisfied.

i'm still stuffed!

a day with wings

2010-09-28T21:57:00.008-06:00

i think sometimes i believe i'm perfectly happy until a dazzling fall day like today, warm and breezy with dotted white clouds, blows the clutter and stuffiness from my mind. the summer haze, the summer heaviness has finally lifted, and i feel light and full of energy. i head to the gym on my bike, taking my time and letting the wind swirl my hair around. i stop to snap yet another picture of the rice field by my house. i don't know why i have such an obsession with this particular field; i'm sure the proximity has something to do with it. the neighbors must think i'm crazy with how much i ogle it. right now the rice heads are growing heavy and beginning to bend as the leaves turn from brilliant green to yellow.

i'm disappointed to realize the sycamores lining the street have been trimmed back to nubs before they could drop their leaves. they still smell faintly like the sweet "honeydew" that coats their leaves, a smell that takes me back to childhood visits to tlaquepaque in arizona, where huge, smooth-barked trees grow slowly through the adobe walls of the courtyard. i'm gawked at by some oldsters on incredibly squeaky one-speeds. it's no wonder they can't hear me coming over their own bicycles. after four years in japan i'm still conspicuous, and i still don't mind. i have to try a lot harder to stand out in the US, but with the lolita dresses i'm bringing back with me, i shouldn't have aaaany problems there. *grin*
as i ride through the shadowy, aging shōtengai (shopping arcade), i smell one of the particular mixes of scents that has come to mean old japan in my mind: mothballs and cigarette smoke. i emerge back into the light in front of masumida shrine and go around the corner past the burning incense to the gym. as i park my bike, i think about skipping the gym. it just seems too nice to go inside, but i need the exercise, so i do. i greet the front desk ladies with, "great weather, huh?" and they say in unison, kimochii! which means, "it feels good!"
the gym has a couple old guys and me, but as i'm stretching, a girl with a long, beautiful ponytail shows up. i smile to myself; i recognize her. i've nicknamed her "Thumper" because she runs like she's trying to wake the whole block with her pounding footfalls. it amuses me to see the old men start to stare as she thumps heedlessly on. after a good run alongside Thumper, i meander down the street and decide to stop for a japanese sweet or two. i've been to this shop a few times, and the owner's son, who's probably in his late 30s, acts like he's about to fall over from excitement when i'm there. he hovers nervously, eager to explain what anything is. i decide to get a black sugar (molasses-ish) sweet and a chestnut one.

finally i ride down the dilapidated alley past rumour burger--a restaurant name i find fascinating but mildly disturbing--and fly home.

memorize my number; that's why I got a phone!

2010-09-08T21:36:00.006-06:00

it's the morning after a typhoon rain which has finally started to weaken this summer's brutal heat. for weeks the temperature has crept up past the predicted high almost every day, so to finally wake to cool, fresh air has changed my frame of mind completely. suddenly i feel the irresistible urge to knit. the craving for autumn foods like pumpkin and chestnuts has also kicked in. the air is washed clear, and the sunlight feels cozy rather than miserable. i'm looking forward to many cups of tea and writing lots of letters. i don't think i've ever been more excited for fall. the smoky, rainy smells make me rapturous.
this fall is bringing big changes, too. after four years of enjoying the rhythm of life here, i've finally decided to move myself back to the lower 48. i don't exactly know where home is, but it's somewhere where i can speak to a doctor in my own language, read a whole menu without using a dictionary, and see my mom without 24 hours of international travel. ultimately i'm leaving for my future, but it doesn't feel like i'm going towards anything yet, which would be a lot easier. i'm not heading to school, i don't have a job lined up, and i don't even really know where i want to live. i do however know that i can't figure those things out from here; i need to be in it.
i already know leaving is going to be heartbreaking; i'm leaving the place where the current me was made. i came knowing only one person and no japanese. i'll be leaving with many dear friends, a place that feels like my hometown, and a language i learned organically from the people around me. i can hardly imagine what it will be like to live in america again; it feels like a barely-remembered dream. in some ways the idea terrifies me. what if i hate it? what if it's annoying to know what people are saying all the time? i'm afraid i'm going to feel lost for awhile, but i'm prepared for that, i guess.
one thing that did get me excited about coming back was an internship offered at etsy; it's literally the only job description i've ever read and thought, "omg! me; that's meant for me!" but...they took down the job link by the time i finished writing my cover letter. i sent it anyway. i felt like i wrote with my own blood, i was so determined to communicate my excitement and suitability. i wasn't about to scrap it for anything. i did a lot of research about etsy while mulling over my cover letter, and it only made me more excited when i found out how it got started by a guy about my age (he makes furniture) who wanted people all over the world to be able to buy and sell from each other and have meaningful interactions via the internet. handmade goods and the internet: two of my favorite things! hopefully i will hear something from them soon.

going fermental

2010-08-31T08:28:00.005-06:00

japan and korea have been playing footsie in the ocean for a long time, so naturally they've had time for some potlucks and shared some recipes. while i had certainly heard of kimchi before i lived here, i didn't know it was korean (hard to believe there was a time i didn't know that!), and i don't think i'd ever tried it. slowly that began to change, first with kimchi nabe, then a few bites of actual kimchi at yakiniku restaurants, and after a very good korean drama in which they were always conspicuously eating it, finally an all-out obsession with the stuff. i've taken to eating it with almost every meal on almost anything...eggs, baked potatoes, avocados, rice, burritos. it doesn't hurt that it's been called one of the world's healthiest foods. i love it so much that i began to worry about being deprived of it on my return to the states. my mom did some reconnaissance and reported it's expensive in my small hometown. the solution seemed obvious: learn to make it myself.
turns out it's even easier than i imagined. i found this recipe and gave it a shot.

raw hakusai. i love that you wash it after you've brined it, 'cuz it's easier.

the wilted, brined hakusai.

adding the red pepper paste. i didn't know if i got the right pepper because there were a baffling number to choose from, and all in japanese.

after adding the green onions, ginger, and garlic. i skipped the fish oil.

i also added brown sugar instead of his apple/pear substitute because i didn't have an apple or a pear (and with the fruit prices in japan, that would have tripled the cost), but i did add a small onion blended in water, which made it liquidy enough. note to self: blend the ginger and garlic with the onion next time so they don't have to be chopped.

finally wrangled into a clean but non-sterile jar with the lid loosely on. notice the height of the liquid.

while i was waiting for it to do its thing, i started wondering if i should be worrying about botulism. i've never done any canning, so i don't know anything about it, but after poring over websites far and wide, i learned that the conditions of lacto-fermentation are totally wrong for botulism bacteria, which helped me breathe easier.

twenty-four hours later, it was bubbling up a storm and had expanded a lot! i was so excited about this obvious sign of fermentation that you'd think i, myself had caused it to ferment! i left it another ten hours or so.

the finished product! not as red as korean kimchi, but a lot spicier and more garlicky than the store bought stuff here.

this foray into fermentation has definitely whet my appetite for more! i'd like to try cucumbers next!

kuma et ichigo

2010-08-22T05:27:00.006-06:00

my friend megan is 9 months pregnant, so as soon as my summer vacation started, i was on a bus to tokyo hoping i could make it there before the baby. four years ago i took a bus to tokyo and swore never again, but with holiday train prices, the bus saved me a lot (plus some other friends were taking the same bus). apparently that meant i was willing to forgo a center armrest, which is key in separating you from your seatmate. as it was a night bus, an hour into the trip they turned off the lights and most people got busy sleeping. i wasn't so lucky as the girl next to me kept sprawling into my seat. i wouldn't really have cared if she had leaned against me if only she had been still. awkward. i did manage to force myself out of consciousness a few times, and finally six hours had passed.
we were supposed to arrive at 6:50 am, and after a coffee shop breakfast i was going to head to megan's. well imagine my surprise when they announced we had arrived...at 5:30.

if we look cheerful and alive, it's probably just shock. i felt sick and dizzy from so many hours of sitting and not sleeping.

i headed to megan's a little earlier than planned, and we had a nice glass of juice before retiring for a nap! yay for pregnant friends who need a lot of rest. i woke up feeling a lot more human and we continued our day which included a bleeding mountain of shaved ice, cat time, and savory galettes for dinner (sadly no pictures of that because i was a little intimidated by the the hot, young french waiter).

i was a bit baffled by how to eat my galette, which made me feel like an idiot. it was served with salmon (no mystery there), a tiny pitcher of cream (ok...it's pretty hard to pour a liquid over a bite of food and get it in your mouth fast enough to actually taste it, but i did my best) and as many sliced lemons (with peel) as there were sliced tomatoes, leading me to believe they were as much as part of the meal as the tomatoes. were they supposed to be eaten too? pickled and therefore edible? i guess not. after some experimentation i managed to get it all in my stomach. yum.
the next day was crocheting, delivery pizza, and a few priceless family photos. hee hee.

i was super happy to see mrs. limberry and the kuma king and also happy there were no early arrivals other than my own.

invisible fire

2010-07-26T04:05:00.006-06:00

japan is on a bullet train to the center of the sun. the heat scalds every inch of your skin, and sweat runs like tears. my shampoo is hot, my towel is hot, everything i touch is hot. the leftover bacon grease in the skillet stays melted, the chicken breasts practically hiss when they hit the air. the soles of my feet are so hot, i just have to stand on something to iron it. the only good thing is that warm eye drops are pretty nice.
in the steamy day-to-day, my long hair was torture. not only did it make my neck about 300 degrees, it also looked like a messy scribble in the humidity. i could only tolerate having it in pigtails, which had to be folded over into loops so the ends wouldn't touch my neck. finally, two minutes from a heat stroke, i decided to cut it. my mom is a hairstylist, so i've watched her spray, comb, part, and cut for as long as i've been alive. perhaps as a result, i'm totally uninhibited about DIY hair.

before: naturally, it looks pretty ok in this picture, much better than any other time.

divide and conquer: the first cut, no going back.

after.

dry.

well, once you get started, you might as well go the whole way. after you cut, you've gotta dye. it's been about four months since i last dyed my hair black, and i've been wanting something fresh. after some friends suggested it, i started thinking about red. i'm really loving allison scagliotti's hair lately, so i thought, "why not?"

in my super well-stocked drug store, there was only one box even resembling red at all, so there was no agonizing over what color to buy. i like dramatic color, so i was hoping for a head of flaming dark red hair. turns out the only obstacle was the black dye still at the ends of my hair. in the back i ended up with a lovely two-tone, but in the front, it's all but imperceptible and falls into the category i never aim for when dyeing my hair: natural-looking.
well, there's nothing to do but wait until the black grows off, but on a positive note, mom approves.

in the sunlight. just looks brown...

chickens guard the gate

2010-07-19T02:40:00.012-06:00

the monsoon season has abruptly ended, shoving us face-first into that part of summer where you have to peel your legs off plastic seats like tape that's stuck together. in a perverse way, it kinda makes me happy. i also love little dresses, long daylight, and an excuse to eat fruit for dinner.

today was a holiday, so deana and i went to gifu city. i'd been there once before and was impressed by what an interesting, artistic city it seemed. mostly, though, i had a craving for the huge slabs of fish they serve at sennari sushi.

a typical serving vs. sennari's cut.

there you do sushi the real way and order it from the chef, who places it in front of you from behind the sushi bar. then you pick it up with your fingers. usually places like that cost $$ (or ¥¥, rather), but we had all we could eat for under $15 each. next we ambled our way to akawani (red crocodile) for some fresh fruit kakigori (shaved ice). the winter offering was this obscene (and incredible) strawberry concoction, and for july they have fresh peach.

gifu was deserted, but when we turned the corner to akawani, we realized we were going to have to wait in line for this popular treat. there are only about four tables inside, but they were doing a good job of double-seating tables and getting people in pretty quickly. even sharing a table, it still felt like we had our privacy. that's the beauty of being in a place where people speak at a reasonable volume most of the time.

waiting in the heat.

the peach; while i was at first disappointed by the puny amount fresh fruit, the juice they poured over the ice was clearly made from real peaches because it all tasted delicious!

i liked the tiny fork.

after that, we just lost ourselves in the unbelievably quiet streets of gifu. it was amazing how few people were around, and we headed in a direction that tapered off into tiny, more traditional shops and homes. i could smell a lot of the things i remember from the first time i came to japan...smells i can't even define because i don't know what they come from. one was a kind of preserving agent like mothballs, but it didn't smell musty, it smelled well-cared-for. the scents coming from people's doorways and garages seemed aged, but well-used, carefully cleaned and kept in working condition. camera shops, cafes, fabric stores, futon shops, places to buy kimono, tea, incense, prayer beads. i was thoroughly happy looking at the tiny doorstep gardens, faded and rusted signs, and simple old man and old woman shoes lined up by the doors.

a $27 tea cup

airy pajamas.

a cafe/antique store that seemed straight out of a different country...like mine.

an inexplicable sign for salt.

we looked around a group of temples where we didn't see another soul...

guarded by chickens.

finally i bought three paper lanterns (made in japan, not china) with bamboo sticks and candles, and the whole bag of fun cost me $4.

i felt peaceful and refreshed in spite of the heat. without expecting to, i got to see more of my favorite side of japan, not the big city stores and crowds of people, but a real corner with a heartbeat and style of its own. i felt completely happy.

living with ghosts

2010-07-06T06:07:00.004-06:00

my apartment building is only half full. like many residential buildings in japan, it's pretty small: 12 apartments. in the year i've lived here, i've only run into another person inside the building maybe 15 times. i hear doors open and close, locks turn, air conditioners run, but it's like people are slipping in and out, creeping around corners and up stairs, dissolving into wet shoe prints.
i don't mind; i like the quiet, and i can see by the laundry hanging outside that there's someone around, but at times it has drawbacks. i discovered one tonight when i came home from work. as the elevator door yawned open, i came face-to-face with seven hungry spiders who had built a network of webs over the elevator door and into the hall! they must've started this afternoon after i left for work, and clearly no one else had been that way since. i seriously considered taking the elevator back down and coming up the stairs instead.
in mie i became desensitized to spiders, but after a year of not seeing them, my natural disgust has returned. instead of avoiding them, i did a careful sweep of the doorway with my orange juice bottle and then scurried low and fast under the horrible ceiling.

incidentally, the first time i did run into someone was last october, two months i after i had moved in. i was wearing this:

and carrying these:

not really the first impression i was hoping for. halloween isn't celebrated in japan, so...i'm not sure what he thought of me. my costume was after japan's endlessly inventive decorative lunches called "decoben," meaning decorative bento.

thanks to everyone who has started following my blog or who has stopped by! i love to hear your comments. <3

diamonds in the dark

2010-06-12T07:09:00.005-06:00

yesterday evening, weary from the fierce, unpredictable heat of early summer, a persistent cough, and peevish five-year-olds, i slumped into the passenger seat of my car after work, a sweaty, disheveled mess. as night fell, i waited for the kind ladies of my saturday class to whisk me away for our date with fireflies. we drove to a vast park, bright with reflected light from the city sky and walked on a dim path around huge grassy fields cooling in the breeze. it smelled like the summer nights in suburban texas when i used to visit my grandmother.
we reached the appointed place and waited to be led by yellow-clad volunteers (mainly diminutive old gentlemen) down the wooden staircase and into the forest. small groups lined up as they were called (this event required tickets, kindly applied for and shared by one of the class members), and then we were ushered into the darkness. we walked a paved path along a creek lined with tall grasses hushing us in the wind. one at first, and then a few more, we picked out cool sparks flashing in the grass. the gentle flickering of their lights reminded me of a cat purring, relaxed and friendly.
i watched as fifty-year-old women pointed with excited whispers, "there's one! there's one!" we were left behind as we took our time enjoying the silent show. we even cupped a few in our hands until they flew away. at last we entered the forest and were taken to the black silhouette of a small building, a firefly house. inside in complete darkness were thousands of sparks flying and glowing. it was like being inside a campfire when nothing is left but embers: dark shapes revealed by the lights that blanket them.

neighborhood scenes

2010-05-27T06:00:00.003-06:00

laundry shadows.

karaoke sunset.

metal shavings bins.

drowning leaves.

why i miss pizza

2010-05-27T04:51:00.003-06:00

everyone loves pizza, right? it has been one of my favorite foods for as long as i can remember, and even though i worked at a pizza restaurant before college and ate pizza twice a day for a year, i never tired of it. they love pizza in japan too, and they even have home delivery...but you might be dismayed (as i was) to see what they'll serve on a crust. i know japan is a little corn-mayonnaise-and-tuna-happy, and those are typical toppings, but it gets even more grim. consider the 'juicy shrimps with mayonnaise flavor' pizza. it has tomato mayonnaise sauce, shrimp, pineapple, parsley, bacon, and herb cheese. not so bad, you say? there's more...

the 'salsa dog pizza' made me chuckle. with onion, peppers, tomatoes, sausage, black pepper, chili powder, salsa, and you guessed it, mayonnaise, it doesn't sound so bad, but for the life of me, i can't see any of the alleged vegetables in the photo. all i see is wieners; japan is wiener-happy too.

moving on to the 'seafoods garden.' it starts off safe with onions and peppers, but at shrimp the scale begins to tip. next we have squid (YUCK), octopus (meh), black olives (UGH), and right again, mayonnaise. throw it all together and it sounds like a nightmare, but the award for most revolting goes to the next one, i think.

meet the pepPEEroni combo: hamburger, scrambled eggs, teriyaki sauce, parsley, and of course mayonnaise. never mind that it doesn't contain pepperoni, it just looks horrible. if you aren't having problems keeping your dinner down by this point, maybe you can stomach dessert.

for dessert we have diarrhea pizza with chunks of pineapple floating in it. and it's overflowing, great. get the plunger.

at the very least they serve sweet potatoes and hagen dazs as side dishes, but i miss the pizza i'm used to: heaps of vegetables and no mayo!

boom

2010-05-09T22:47:00.008-06:00

the streets are foolish with azaleas, thousands of them. spindly green bushes i've never even noticed have all at once detonated into flirty pink and white blooms. i thought they were odorless, but they emit the faintest of fragrances; it's more a color than a smell. thin pink washes from the overdyed petals into the air, making invisible pink clouds that dissolve in the breeze.

today i felt like even riding my bike would be moving too fast. it was 80 degrees (!) and i had some errands, so i set out in flip flops. japan hasn't hit humidity defcon 1 yet, so it still feels nice to bake in the sun. i love seeing what's blooming every few weeks in the tiny gardens in front of people's houses and shops. today it smelled liked easter: new grass and spring flowers, though it looked like summer already. i saw jasmine and a tiny orange poppy the size of my fingertip, purple bell-shaped flowers, daisies.

with sun soaking my skin and nowhere to be, color and green finally filling in the grey lines of streets, i felt like everything was wonderful, even chain link fences, even the silky, frayed flags advertising hybrid cars and beef rice lunches, even leonardo dicaprio's face advertising a pile of hot bridgestone tires.

spring breaking my shoes

2010-05-04T18:48:00.016-06:00

spring has been all fits and starts this year. most weeks look like this:

happily, though, my long-awaited vacation week was nothing but sun. my college roommate, massa, finally came down from tokyo. she's terrifically modest, but i think she's become a successful photographer. she took a load of photos of the famous, hot, young japanese actor oguri shun (including the cover) for Switch magazine. i finally saw a little of her beautiful face and a lot of her camera face.

we meandered around nagoya until we ran out of time. i was so thankful to finally get to show someone i knew before i came to japan my life here. it looks like she'll be the only one (sigh). it's hard to realize how much i've learned without an outside perspective.

a day later, i headed for the hive: osaka. to my recollection, it's been a year since i set foot in osaka, and in that time i've been adjusting to life around nagoya. nagoya's not a big tourist area because it kinda straddles the cultural fence between tokyo and osaka. as a result, it's pretty low-key for a city of over 2 million. frenetic osaka is aaall up in your face with neon lights, orange hair, and a rough-around-the-edges dialect, but nagoya flounces with girly girls and...men who like girly girls. osaka was a bit of a shock to my system after this adjustment. i could really feel the difference, which surprised me, and i had to rally my energy hard to weave through the throngs. it was so packed for golden week (everyone in the country going on vacation at once) that i practically needed a turn signal to cut through the rivers of people and make it into a store.
i couldn't help grinning when i stepped off the train at tsuruhashi station, though, and was once again overcome with the smell of barbecuing beef. i had a lovely meal of grilled meat and vegetables with cucumber kimchi (my favorite!)...oh, and beer. that took the edge off my reentry.
after dropping my stuff off at the capsule hotel, i swaggered into the afternoon feeling pretty self-satisfied that i had landed on my feet and was ready to go. half a block later, my shoe broke. as in, broke so much that i couldn't keep it on my foot. it's hard to look like a badass when you're limp-dragging your shoe to keep it on. humbled and laughing at myself, i had to turn right around and scuffle back to the hotel. i borrowed a needle and thread and spent an hour fixing and reinforcing my shoes so they would last the weekend. a felt bag one of my young students made me had to be sacrificed for fabric (wince), but when i struck out again, i felt a renewal of confidence in my resourcefulness. not quite the same as badass, but...
i shopped a bit, but i really wanted to get to the port so i could ride the ferris wheel and eat that shaved ice i mentioned. the sun was going down, so before i had a chance to have second thoughts, i bought a ticket for the ferris wheel and got on. gulp. cue 17 minutes of trying to enjoy dangling 30 stories in the air, alone. it doesn't seem like such a crazy idea when you're with someone else. though it was the third time i had ridden that particular ferris wheel, it was by far the most terrifying (still worth it).

"absolutely do not lean against this door!"

with the sun down, the shaved ice made me chilly, so i hurried to dinner and then retired for the night.
the next day i had a wonderful breakfast at Planet 3rd and then went to enjoy the gorgeous weather in tsurumi ryokuchi park. my friends joined me and we snapped a bunch of photos and ate frozen cola. yum!

after a huge mexican food lunch, the last thing i wanted to do was get in hot water, so we skipped the onsen and went shopping instead.

osaka devoured all my energy, and i was totally exhausted when i got home, so i spent the end of my week resting and crocheting a practice version of a sequined mesh bag. it came out... TINY!

rock 'n' roll

2010-04-22T08:25:00.007-06:00

one more week snags in the middle and then flaps by. with the filing-down of a few thorns in my side, the weeks have sped up and are whirling past, a blur of loud tuesdays, dull thursdays, and long saturdays before i step off the carousel with my head swimming. my triumph of the week was sending a fax from a state-of-the-art copy machine in a convenience store without having to ask for help (thank you animated cartoon pictures). it can also print glossy photos or the documents you email from your home computer, but i'll have to test-drive that another day.
since your closest 7-11 is often only half a block away, maybe even closer than the site where you have to lug your well-sorted trash, they've pretty much murdered the idea of convenience. i mean that as in, "hit the center of the target so hard there's a big hole in the wall behind it." 7-11 is sometimes the only place you can get money during public holidays when the ATMs close. after nearly four years, that still boggles my mind.
golden week is coming up in three days, a whole week of vacation (at last), and i've withdrawn money in anticipation. first my college roommate is coming down from tokyo to visit my place for a change (yay!!!) and then i'm heading off to osaka for a much-needed reunion with my favorite big city in...the world, i guess! i'm flying solo for a day and then meeting some friends to try out the onsen theme park SpaWorld.
i bought my train ticket today and started to get really excited. i love osaka! i'm planning to get yakiniku at tsuruhashi station, ride the ferris wheel at tempozan, eat coconut shaved ice with chocolate, and basically do all the fun things i've done in the past, again, 'cuz that's how i roll.

spare parts

2010-04-12T00:45:00.004-06:00

though sadly i haven't had the chance to pursue my breakdancing dreams lately, i've been trying to stay fit so i can hit the dancefloor running (or walking on my hands) someday. usually i set a goal of twenty to thirty minutes of running, then move on to other machines. i generally try to set a low goal so i can feel awesome when i surpass it.
last week, i was having this weird pressure/tension in my chest, and whatever caused that, worrying about it made it even worse. i don't feel like i have much real stress in my life these days, so it was unexpected. i knew i needed to just run that stress out of my body. this has become my solution for everything; run, pray, sleep on it, feel better the next day. that day i kept seeing in my head: an hour...an hour...run for an hour. i'd never run more than 40 minutes without stopping, and i hadn't even done that very many times.
let me get math-y on you for a minute. the difference between 40 minutes and an hour, while only 20 minutes, is 50% more running than you've already done. even one minute can feel interminable. i was curious to give it a try, though.
i put on some new music that was mentally-involving, set a nice pace, and went. after half an hour, i thought, "this might be possible." i was having some knee and hip pain, but it wasn't too bad. after 45 minutes, i was sure i could do it. and i did! when i stepped off, i felt amazing! amazing and also in a little bit of pain. i made it out of the building but soon found myself dragging my stiff legs around in a ridiculous arthritic mannequin walk, but i didn't even care; i was a triumphant mannequin!

the petal ceiling

2010-04-06T06:35:00.014-06:00

tuesday is the first day of my week and the most painful. i have one class that screams everything ("MY NAME IS EITO!!" "I'M 8 YEARS OLD!!" "IT'S MY TURN!!" "YOU CHEATED!!" not to mention, "LAUREN FIRE!" coined to describe my angry face, heh heh) and another whose students' mouths i practically have to pry open with a crowbar like broken car doors. when they finally do manage to utter a feathery scrap of sound, they try to do so without moving their lips! i swear! they're either training to be ventriloquists or they just got back from having their faces numbed at the dentist. it's a menagerie of awkwardness and discomfort in varied forms. it's always a relief to get home.
in spite of that, after a day of flung-open door air, sun and flower smells finally permeating the sheet of gloom we've been wrapped in, the night is beginning to ripen. the flat winter air is filling up with dark green like the shadows under garden leaves and grass clippings swept in a heap. it's no wonder this is my favorite time of year: green is my favorite smell.
also, it's sakura season, the time when all japan goes heart-eyed over the faint pink petals of black-barked cherry trees. this year i enjoyed it with abandon! i stalked cherry trees like famous people, taking pictures out of my car window as i was driving by. they are really stunning, especially when they all hang out together.

more pretty flowers.

turnip the volume!

2010-03-28T07:27:00.000-06:00

what have i been doing in the long month since i last wrote? mainly watching too many dance shows and trying to figure out how to keep life from feeling mundane. i never thought living in japan could feel mundane (to be fair, even after 3 1/2 years, daily life is still a thrill), but i guess i need a job that suits me a little better. that would probably involve teaching a subject i'm more passionate about than grammar to riveting individuals over the age of 15. i like assorted little kids in my classes; some of them are insanely cool, but the rest of them are just insane...and they make me insane. one thing i have learned about children is that they are born with the innate ability to push your buttons, regardless of the language you speak. i've gotten better at the "don't even think of disobeying me" look, but sometimes it clatters uselessly to the floor and i have to just accept i can't wring their necks. then, just when i think my face is going to melt off in indignation, a kid will show up docile and sweet and sit on my lap, and my heart will melt instead.
i do like teaching; that's one thing that has been cemented here. i love talking about culture and slang, and i don't mind explaining grammar and punctuation either, but i really want to just USE english to teach something else. i want to talk about accomplishing something greater than choosing the right verb tense.
the adults and teenagers in my classes are awesome, though. they keep my head from exploding. they also take me fun places, bring me thoughtful souvenirs (everything from fresh turnips to fluorescent pink underwear), and often exceed my expectations in kindness. hopefully i've learned a little about that here too.

i live on the third floor and have a nice little balcony. what i wanted now that it's spring was something green to look at. i didn't really want to pay for a pot and a huge bag of dirt and plants and all that, so i decided i'd just plant a little cup of grass. i miss the smell of cut grass in the summer anyway, and it ought to require very little attention. what i didn't really have access to was dirt. most little corners in japan (when you're in the city, at least) belong to someone and are pretty well-tended. the last thing i wanted to do was scare or offend some nice granny by digging up a corner of her yard, so i asked an elderly gentleman student (who loves gardening) instead. my only request was, "would you mind bringing me a little bit of dirt so i can plant something." and what did i get? a full, alphabet-coded gardening kit, including hand-drawn illustrations and english instructions!
pot, drainage rocks, dirt, fertilizer, scoop made from a plastic bottle, gloves...

my favorite drawing is for step 7. "push. push."

after all the work he put into it, i couldn't just plant grass anymore. today i settled on a compromise: a wild strawberry plant surrounded by grass. that way if the strawberry croaks (you never know with those hardware store plants), i'll still be able to have my grass and cut it too.
after a far-too-intense bug incident in mie (i'm still traumatized), i am hoping for potted plant peace on the third floor.

red-handed

2010-02-09T22:02:00.006-07:00

as i mentioned previously, some toes on my left foot went white and numb twice last week for no apparent reason. fearing that i was developing Raynaud's phenomenon, i looked into any dietary changes i could make that might help. niacin was recommended to help open the blood vessels, so i bought a supplement and began taking it. when you take a lot of niacin, it dilates your vessels and you get what's called a niacin flush...your hands and feet turn red. so these days you can pretty much always catch me red-handed. har har.

for about, oh, three years or so i've been wanting to get my hands back into some clay and play around like i did in college. ceramics was never my main medium, so it was just a relaxing, but still creative activity, while i focused on painting and printmaking. however, all my efforts to turn up a place where i could throw some pottery on a wheel came to nothing. finally last week fern agreed to take me to a little studio in a small pottery town called tokoname to sling some mud...but first we had to find it!
we set out on a circuitous "pottery studio" path in the rain and took our time, content to get lost, which we did. we shopped in some little glass and ceramic studios, bought some delicious bread at a bakery, ogled a cute young artist filing beautiful metal cups in his phone booth-sized studio, and ran into an old woman who bemoaned our visit was on such a gloomy day. when we responded in japanese, she expressed delight that we could understand and gave us each two oranges. we staggered down some steep stairs...and ended up back near the beginning! after several damp map consultations, we managed to find the place.

pottery bottle wall

i liked this white meter/black wall.

fern had been a few times before, so she had a good rapport with watanabe-san, the artist. rarely do i like someone as much and feel as comfortable with them as i did with this 60-something, twinkly-eyed rascal. his ease and good humor made me relax right away, and he both helped us enough and left us alone enough. i felt a little nervous because i realized it had been about nine years since i last threw anything, and i didn't want to mess up! however, it felt good; it was exactly the kind of experience i've been longing for!
my first bowl was ok but a little on the inelegant side, but my second one was much better. i'm afraid it was all over too quickly. for the price, we got a certain amount of clay, i guess, and he will trim, fire, and glaze it (to our specifications), and then mail the finished bowls to us! fun!

fern and mr. watanabe

wheel action

tools

our greenware

after we washed up, his wife (more discerning, so though generous, i felt a little less comfortable around her) offered us shako from a straw basket. peeled, these critters are not so bad-looking, but i had never seen them still in their bodies before. can i just say...dude, sick! they look like disgusting ocean insects. to top that off, the wife showed us how to break off the tail and suck out he juices, break off the head and suck out the juices, and then she handed the same one she had sucked on to fern to eat! i wouldn't budge. i'm sure it would have been fine, but i don't care much for any shellfish (unless we're talking cajun shrimp), so why bother? i feasted on parinko crackers instead.

...a little more fyi on shako, from wikipedia: "Oratosquilla oratoria. Called "sea locusts" by ancient Assyrians, "prawn killers" in Australia and now sometimes referred to as "thumb splitters" by modern divers — because of the relative ease the creature has in mutilating small appendages — mantis shrimp sport powerful claws that they use to attack and kill prey by spearing, stunning or dismemberment. Although it happens rarely, some larger species of mantis shrimp are capable of breaking through aquarium glass with a single strike from this weapon."

taking procrastination to the next level

2010-02-08T16:06:00.005-07:00

15 followers, 1000 profile views, and last night a dream that my blog was being published as a book! that would literally be a dream come true on many levels. i even remember what the binding was like and how thick it was. it was a well-done book. the pictures were all on recycled-looking paper, so they weren't super glossy, just a little bit. it had the feeling of a thick, artistic periodical.

i'm trying, for heaven's sake TRYING, to get some new year/christmas/update cards sent off, though to say they're late would be a massive understatement. i bought these cards the year before last when it was the year of the cow (according to the chinese calendar, which has been adopted by japan), but now it's the year of the tiger! since i stamped the cards but never wrote on them, i decided to give them a little face lift so i wouldn't have to buy new cards and stamps....heh heh. however, i still haven't sent them, so i probably should just paint rabbit faces over the tiger masks to get ready for next year!

i'm 31 flavors, and then some.

2010-02-07T22:29:00.012-07:00

last week i turned 31. when i came to japan, i was 27! true, celebrating here (in my new city) just isn't the same as being surrounded by family and old friends, but i was still blessed with a lot of generosity by my students and new friends.
my gray hairs are coming in more insistently these days, but thanks to oily skin, i'm not too wrinkly.
before the day, i was taken out for sukiyaki by one class;

given a wonderful, thoughtful surprise party by another class;

treated by kj to karaoke at the fancy place with a column of bubbling water;

and joined by some friends for lunch, card games, and Baskin Robbins.
(deana, fern, jason, kjersten, me, matthew)

fern baked me some gorgeous cupcakes.

mom and i had a skype party. see the candle?

on my actual birthday i went shopping with my friend matthew, we had some delicious burgers, and i did some 1-person purikura.

thanks, everyone!

stages

2010-02-07T21:52:00.003-07:00

i love watching things change over time, especially seasonal changes over fields and trees. i've only been in this house for six months, but the rice field nearby has already gone through several picturesque looks. i have yet to get a picture with snow because i usually don't have my camera when i take my trash to the corner, which is when i pass the field.
finally the days are getting noticeably longer again, though it's still cold. recently i seem to have developed something like Raynaud's phenomenon in my toes, which is alarming. with relatively no provocation, the veins in my toes freak out and constrict, leaving my toes white, chilly, and numb. i'm hoping this doesn't happen often (never again would be nice).

without a filter...

2010-02-05T06:02:00.005-07:00

some things just shouldn't be made into cute, approachable characters. i've seen some wierd ones in japan: cartoon hamster faces made into little cold cuts, marimokkori, the mascot of hokkaido with an overactive, um, algae ball, and the ubiquitous poo stickers...but recently megan brought a new character to my attention, tobacco-san. now you can get a whole notebook full of smiling cigarettes promising "adult taste" and suggesting you "light me." you can even cut out the paper into a cigarette pack envelope and roll up your cigarette memo! yikes, guys!

the writing-off has been unwritten

2010-01-26T05:03:00.004-07:00

(13 followers!)
i'm sure you could tell i had kinda written off shin, right? after a lot more texts, he invited me to go out again. as i said before, i'm down with being his friend, so i said sure. i kinda wanted to give the guy a chance since i did have a good time the first time we went out. this time i didn't obsess about being kidnapped. that's progress! anyway, we met near my house, rode our bikes to a restaurant (high school chic), and then tried to assess the place. neither of us had ever been there, but i had chosen it because he said he wanted to go to an izakaya, and it was the only one i had seen nearby. the owner was coming out as we were locking up our bikes, and he was extremely warm and polite, so we decided to go in. the thing about japan is you never know what you're going to get based on the outside of a building. some apartment buildings look like post-apocalyptic jail bunkers and are gorgeous inside. some restaurants are like that too. the only thing you can see is a doorway with a noren hanging outside to show that it's open. so we walked in and this is what we got: a tiny, dirty, smoke-saturated room with a handful of characters already three sheets to the wind. one bear of a guy (about 50?) sleeping on the bar was wearing a furry hoodie with embroidered flowers, and another guy was sporting a fluffy gray mullet. the owner had cleared one of the only two tables for us, and everyone else was sitting around the bar. clearly they were regulars. only in japan can you walk into a situation like that and feel perfectly safe and welcome. we got some curious glances, but they weren't hostile. the owner went to great lengths to make us comfortable, turning the heater in our direction and apologizing profusely for keeping us waiting while he made our dinner...but...shin and i agreed we never wanted to go back. after that we rode our bikes to a much more sterile establishment: some plain, cozy dessert chain, and shared an ice cream waffle. wake up cinderella, it's already midnight! and i had such a good time! it wasn't awkward or boring even for a moment. we said goodnight quickly (it was frigid outside) and pedaled home.

my dirt-eating minions

2010-01-20T05:07:00.007-07:00

i have twelve followers guys, twelve! and four of them i don't even know! that's popularity. can you even handle all the exclamation points!? seriously though, thank you very much for reading!
it's a cold, clear day here and i'm feeling encouraged after yesterday's doctor visit. for about two months i've been having knee and hip pain on one side, but the knee x-ray showed no bone problems. at least that's something. i'm more than a little dubious about japanese health care and doctors, but sometimes you really do need to see someone. of the four or five doctor's visits i've made in japan, all to different individuals, i've never been asked 1. if i'm allergic to any medications (i am), 2. if i have any pre-existing conditions (i do), or 3. if i'm taking any medication (i am). it doesn't exactly inspire confidence. if you need a refresher, read about my first doctor visit in japan.
the best part, however, was the whole visit (including a giggle-inducing ride on the moving x-ray table...like a very tame amusement park ride) cost me $16. there are some things i'd like to get checked out while i'm paying prices like that, but with the horror stories i've heard about extremely painful tests with no anesthesia or gloves, misdiagnoses, and mixed up test results, it makes me wonder if i'd be better off without them.
however, i should definitely invest in some new running shoes. the ones i'm using, though they haven't had consistent use all the years i've had them, are now at least um eleven years old. how is that possible!? the past two years i've been using them a lot, so they must be spent. i'm kind of humiliated to admit how long i've had them. they still look pretty new, so i never thought about it.
i've gone running twice since i saw the doctor (and purchased a knee brace as he suggested), and things seem to be going well. i haven't had quite as much trouble with stairs, and my hip isn't feeling so strange. fingers crossed.
i'm coming up fast on my birthday, and each year around this time i choose a new theme to live by. my first year i was aiming for "different mistakes." last year it was "bold." part of quitting JET but attempting to stay in japan, move to a city, and find a cute apartment were fruits of the boldness campaign. now i've settled on this year's hue...with abandon! in other words, i want to live more and hold back less; i want to be all in. this will doubtless be a very good challenge for me, the controlling girl. it doesn't mean i want to make poor decisions, of course, but i would like to say yes a little more often and get better at trusting. i'd like to have the courage to speak more honestly about my feelings. once i was admonished by a guy who i was crazy about for not talking about my feelings enough. i mean huh!? the sensitive 90's guy (remember him? i think he became a metrosexual, don't you?) rears his well-groomed, good-smelling head.

i really think so: airing my clean laundry

2009-12-31T21:01:00.007-07:00

happy new year! check it out: it's 1:01 pm on 01/01/10. it feels so...binary.

when i was a senior in high school, my AP english teacher brought his guitar to class one day and did an unexpected rendition of that Vapors song "Turning Japanese" for us. i had never heard it before, and i think most of us believed he had written it himself. ordinarily a slow-speaking, deliberate man (imagine a non-evil, rounder-featured version of alan rickman's severus snape), he put a lot of energy into his performance, leaving us overly-conscious highschoolers feeling a bit awkward. i mean, what was it supposed to mean? years later i realized he was only covering a song that had been out since 1980.
though i later discovered some less-than-savory things about this man (look at me being mature...i decided not to air them publicly), he was a creative and intelligent educator. i was in the theater troupe at my school, and during performances, we could always hear him laughing from the audience at the highbrow jokes no one else caught. anyway, this is all by way of introduction to this morning's breakfast...it pretty much couldn't have been more japanese; homemade miso soup, rice with pickled plums, genmaicha (toasted rice tea), and black beans with a chestnut. delicious!

snow has been falling steadily since yesterday. i met a friend in nagoya before it began...i hit the town in ruby red...

...and when i returned, i had to unbury my bicycle at the station. brrr!

back at home i faced the dilemma of a japanese winter: trying to get laundry dry...when it's freezing.

date 2: the sequel

2009-12-20T03:32:00.004-07:00

hey everyone. thanks for pestering (er, asking) me to write; it's nice to know people want to hear what happens. *grin* time flies like crazy math, doesn't it? a few days after our date, shin said he had a friend who was jealous we had gone out, and did i have a girlfriend who might be interested in having a drink with us? i liked the idea because i could get a friend's perspective on shin and... we would be far less likely to get abducted. hey, bonus.
fern agreed to come with me, mainly out of curiosity, i think. were they trying to get girlfriends before the romance-heavy Christmas Eve? did they just like the idea of foreign women? i still don't know. when the night rolled around, we agreed to meet in the main train station, and i spotted fern first. i didn't know what shin's friend looked like or what direction they'd be coming from, so the two of us stood restlessly among the coming and going like big, foreign targets. at last they showed up, and we made quick introductions and headed off for some food.
shin's friend, youichi, made a valiant effort at conversation, but the bottom line was he seemed nervous (and unused to talking in english), and the rest of us weren't. he made a lot of old man jokes and we had the Interviewing a Foreigner 101 conversation. i don't really mind those, but that was one of the reasons i liked shin in the first place, we could skip to things that are actually interesting. the friend was also interested in western bands from way before our time, so he seemed older than his age. poor guy. i wasn't having a bad time, not really. it just lacked those things i would hope for in a date: excitement, connection, um, fun.
naturally karaoke was suggested, and fern and i shrugged "why not?" i wanted to check out one of the fancy places near my house, so we headed that direction in the back of youichi's car. i stood in awe inside the karaoke palace. so unlike the dark, lumpy-seated places of the countryside, there was a huge reception area, nice wallpaper, and chandeliers. the sound was GREAT too; i've never sounded better. that's not saying much; i don't exactly have the voice of an angel, but i can sing on key when the planets align correctly.
surprisingly, i wasn't really that nervous, and we all had some good songs to sing. shin and i did a duet of the song he had asked me to interpret during our first meeting. fern told me later he said "it has special meaning to us." excuse me? is that the sound of someone getting sentimental about something that i'm not? it doesn't seem possible.
shin's on the right. his friend doesn't normally look so much like a zombie.

karaoke was by far the best part of the night, truly fun. it was over a bit too quickly, but we had to get fern to the train station. i headed home content, but i felt like perhaps i could see the problem with the idea of dating shin: there doesn't seem to be enough conviction, fire, passion, intensity, gravity (whatever you want to call it) in him, and that is definitely something i need in order to be attracted to someone. i don't need a tough guy, but i do need strength. it could be hiding, true, but i suspect we are passionate about very different things, and that would also be pointless.
for days i didn't hear from shin, and i figured he also felt the lack of something and was dropping the ball. i couldn't get up the motivation to care, but then he picked that ball back up and started throwing it again. so i'm hearing from him again every day, but we have no plans to hang out. i'm not opposed to being his gal pal, but that's about it.

the date dress

2009-11-16T06:01:00.006-07:00

last year i bought a dress i thought seemed like the perfect date dress: interesting and attractive but comfortable. considering my dating history (i can definitely count the number of "real" dates i've had on one hand) i had no reason to believe it would ever be used for its designated purpose. however, the dress and i went on a First Date saturday.
rewind to the halloween party. i met a cute (english-speaking) japanese guy who had attended a short-term class at the other branch of our school. my first thought was, "how soon before this guy tells me he's married," but he never did. we talked for a few minutes and then caught up again later when some of us headed to a bar to wind down. he was thoughtful enough to refill my water when he got up for a new drink, and he didn't touch a cigarette the whole night. now that i think of it, my last--i'll call it an entanglement--began when a guy brought me water... anyway, his next question was solid laurenbait, "what do these lyrics mean...'she acts like summer and walks like rain?'"
he asked me to sing a song (perhaps i should mention that every party in japan becomes a karaoke party by the end of the night), but i had been sick that week and was barely squeaking out a conversation. he sang, though, and he did a fine job! thank goodness he isn't one of those singers you have to endure.
at the end of the night he seemed interested in talking some more, but i think a guy should have enough guts to ask for my info if he wants to hang out again, so i waited to see what would happen. after talking about going to karaoke sometime when i could actually sing, he did get around to asking, so i gave him my text address and headed home. when i hadn't heard from him by the end of the night, i figured i never would.
i was wrong.
for the next few weeks we exchanged several messages each day. i doubted that he would actually suggest doing anything concrete, but once again i was wrong. one evening he replied to my email with, "let's go out for drinks." we set a time, and i didn't really think about it much until the day before. that's when i got down to the business of freaking out and being paranoid. in western dating culture, you can fall back on some assumptions: we will do the "how-much-do-i-owe-you-for-dinner-oh-thank-you dance" and the "how-will-we-negotiate-the-kiss/no-kiss-goodnight-thing dance." i wasn't sure what to expect, but that was soon overshadowed by another fear. let's just say i've watched too many episodes of Law and Order, and visions of murder were dancing through my head. had i misread him completely? was he a psycho? i got so nervous i was wearing my shoulders as earrings.
the next day i got a grip and made an effort to look forward to it.
as i tried not to look awkward waiting in front of the grocery store where we were meeting, i wondered if i would still find him attractive (i did only see him once) and if it would be weird that we talked only in text messages for several weeks. i also typed out a "save me; i've been kidnapped" message on my phone and memorized how to send it without looking. seriously.
when shin (pronounced "sheen") walked up, my first thought was, "i'm going out with that hot guy??"
attraction: check.
we walked down to a kushiyaki (food on skewers) shop and spent the next several hours (ok, it was four hours) talking and joking. it was really fun. i tried not to be too distracted by his sexy mouth. we walked back to his car and i got all flighty, so i gave him a preemptive hug, bid him goodnight, and flew away on my bicycle. a few minutes later i got a text saying he had fun talking with me and would like to do it again. the date dress and i high-fived and went to sleep.

hardware sunset

2009-11-09T00:43:00.000-07:00

i'm a slocker: using english as a weapon of hilarity

2009-11-08T20:32:00.006-07:00

the invisible pen: bright orange and enormous. i guess they're redefining "invisible."

shirts for your children: my favorite is the one on the left. next to the peeing chimpanzee, "give a sigh of relief. i think i'll visit the restroom before i leave." (thank you for telling me about it) "if you're too hasty, you'll get into trouble." (i suppose that's true).

seriously!? a kitchen knife for kids?

an interesting place for the word tape to be clipped...

fall falls slowly

2009-11-08T20:26:00.002-07:00

...next to the electronic billboard.

connecting the dots

2009-11-06T08:59:00.001-07:00

gaah; it's already been a month! it's hard to remember to update since i'm no longer sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours every day. i have some pumpkin muffins in the oven, so instead of washing the dishes, i'll write.
it's been over three months since i left my old life in kumano for my new life here, a fourth of the year gone in a flash. in that time i've been settling in but also feeling a bit untethered. new city, new home, new job, new friends (since, for the time being, i've been too poor to see my old friends). most days it doesn't really bother me...i like exploring japan and this IS what i wanted for so long--to really experience city life.
however, i'm also a familiarity junkie. i like to know my environment: where to find every little thing, how to get everywhere, where to eat; i like to have a history with the places i inhabit. it's in my pack rat personality to also file away information, and i spent three years in kumano memorizing the places i could buy american sweet potatoes (only in november), tortillas (random liquor store), a light-bulb socket that plugs into an outlet (yes, i've needed several), watch batteries... now i have to start over from the beginning.
with nothing familiar, i have felt completely cut off from the last three years of my life, though i am a negligible distance from where they took place. my heart has been aching a bit, mourning the sudden separation from hundreds of important, life-changing, sometimes warm, sometimes frustrating memories and the people i shared them with. there hasn't been much i could do about it until last weekend, when i finally had free time and enough money to get me back to kumano.

[Long Aside: the main reason i've been so poor, aside from the thousands of dollars it cost to move and get my apartment secured, is because i transitioned to paying my own health insurance premiums. you're required to enroll if you live in japan. if you weren't enrolled and then decide to, you have to pay for all the payments you "missed," even though you weren't covered. kinda bonkers. i knew i was covered before and would have to begin paying, but i didn't know how much, and i also had ZERO extra money. i have only recently gotten some of my clothes out of the boxes i've been using as drawers. so i didn't pay. then they found me...and sent me a payment plan of $350 per month for the next four months! gulp. i felt completely deflated. not only do i simply not have that much money, but it looked as though my regular monthly payment would be $270 (it's based on your previous year's salary...i was making more then). maybe i couldn't make things work here after all! after all i've invested to stay. it doesn't help that i can't read anything but the amount. i knew right away i'd probably have to borrow money to cover the health insurance payments, but would i ever really catch up!? the good news is that (thanks to the school secretary asking for me), my monthly payments are actually $180 per month, and they'll go down a bit in april. so, though i thought i was almost caught up financially, it looks like it might take a while. the good news is i'm healthy and my car and computer are working; those things make me really grateful!]

in spite of all this (or because of it), i felt i had to visit kumano while i had the chance. not only would it be a beautiful time (and my only long weekend for months), i've felt stranded here because i didn't know how to get anywhere by car. if i finally drove down to mie, i wouldn't feel so trapped.
sunday i packed up my car, and feeling jittery about finding the way alone, i set off. i was tempted to tell the toll booth operator it was my first time on that road just for an encouraging smile, but i didn't. :) the road was clear, and soon i relaxed as i found each junction easy enough to understand. i crossed a wide, green bridge and was back in mie without fanfare. the clean, new cars of aichi were replaced with cars like mine: old, tiny, dusty. the landscape opened up and the late morning light lit up fields and trees. i took a deep, happy breath. finally i began to connect my old life with my new one.
in just over an hour, i passed the landmark i had been holding my breath for: tsu city. everything after tsu i've driven many times, and it all feels like the home stretch. when the expressway ended, i pulled off at a familiar convenience store to stretch my legs. what can i say? still an hour from kumano, i already felt home. a grin took over my face. i smelled the fresh air scented with leaf smoke and damp.
i got back in the car and the rest of the journey sped by in a blur of sunlight and green mountains. a trip i had expected to feel like a long, exhausting journey didn't seem to take any time at all. i pulled into town with my heart beating loudly and my hands shaking. i didn't really want to see any students i knew yet; i wasn't quite ready for reunions with people, i just wanted to see the town i belonged to and enjoy it. i was staying with katie, but she was busy in another town until that night, so i let myself into her apartment and unpacked while i got my bearings. then i headed off to my friend etsuko's house for a visit.
everything made me happy: fields of dripping satsuma oranges, the spiders stretched across eaves (maybe the first time spiders have ever made me smile), the wet pavement. etsuko's house was warm and she had scones baking, so we settled down over coffee and caught up comfortably.

i hobbled out two hours later, almost sick on sweets but happy all the same. i drove to the gym where i finally learned how to love running and just sat in the car while the rain dripped down the windshield. i would have liked to go inside, but i didn't bring my gear (next time). it was getting dark, so i moved on to the grocery store to see if they had those elusive american sweet potatoes in stock yet, and you know what? they did! i glowed with success. the only thing in my basket was $18 worth of sweet potatoes, so the old lady behind me in line asked if they were any good (they're pretty different from the japanese kind). she was nice, so i told her about them and then drove to the cheap sushi restaurant for dinner. it was perfect.
the next day was a work day for katie, so i was left to my own devices. some things never change, eh? the day was gorgeous and sunny, so i went back to the gym to hang out in the park where i used to read and write letters. i think that is what i've been needing more than anything: sun, the smell of the ground, empty hours. i watched the clouds dissolving and reforming across the sky and got some vitamin D. just before heading off to visit my old school, i tried some exuberant photos.

BOING!
i tried not to get my hopes up about going back to school. i knew no one was waiting expectantly for me to visit, but i did end up having some good talks with teachers, and though the students seemed happy to see me, they were in the thick of preparing for entrance exams. i did find out there is a baby sugar due in february, so all my best to mr. sugar and his sweet.
i popped up to see my 80-something-year-old neighbor, and she, more than anyone, looked happy to see me. she just stood in her doorway looking up at me, grinning, her gold tooth gleaming in the afternoon light. she sent me off with a bag of potatoes and onions from her garden and told me to come back at christmas for some fresh daikon.

the next morning i bought a bag of satsumas from the neighborhood honor box for a dollar.

i hadn't had a chance to visit my favorite onsen, so katie and i went the next day, though i was running out of time and still had to drive back. the drive back is a little more complicated as there is a perpetual traffic jam heading north, but i put it out of my mind and enjoyed the brilliant weather and the view in the daytime.

relaxed and energized, i left my kumano as night fell and ate satsumas in the dark car all the way home.

ichigo-es to ichinomiya

2009-10-01T06:31:00.014-06:00

what happened to my sad mac? a friend who used to work for apple suggested replacing my own hard drive. the apple store was going to charge me $400 to do it, so i figured it was worth a shot. after some texted counsel on which kind to buy, i galvanized myself for the trip to pc depot (having no clue what hard drives cost and very little money with which to find a solution). i felt certain of my choice to risk the repair when i saw a hard drive with twice the capacity of my previous one cost $60! i have always loved messing with machines, so i was actually pretty excited to give it a shot. pulling out the old one was cake...(i even had the right tiny screwdrivers), and i could see how much corrosion my little soup spill caused on the exterior. i guess it's amazing it lasted this long. i unscrewed the case and voilà--my computer brain laid bare.

here's the new one on the left and broken hard drive version 2.0 on the right...good thing i got serious about backing stuff last year. after more texted counsel on formatting the hard drive and reinstalling everything, i was up and running a few hours later. gerry, thanks a BILLION! dear reader, if you have a macbook too, consider printing out these instructions in case the worst happens to you.

so after returning to my regularly scheduled life of googling knitting patterns and recipes, facebooking, skype, and downloaded tv, the thing i was looking forward to for over a month (or two?) was my friend megan visiting from tokyo. we had a short holidate planned for september, and i was super excited to see her familiar face after nearly 9 months! the night she arrived, i came down with a sore throat, but i was determined to squeeze as much fun as possible from our visit. like any good vacation, it pretty much revolved around food.
so in japan there is a popular dish called omurice (from omelette rice), and the ubiquitous version is a football-shaped omelette on flavored rice with a dab of ketchup. the idea never really thrilled me, and i had certainly never ordered it in a restaurant. however, there is an omurice restaurant a few blocks from my house, and anything that close is worth a shot, right? when our first choice restaurant was closed, megan and i meandered over, having no idea what we were in for at Bill's Cafe. first of all, the sheer number of choices was staggering: white sauce, demi glace sauce, tomato sauce, chili, ketchup... there was an array of meats or vegetables that could be mixed in, and you could choose the typical style or torotoro, which is defined as "sticky, oily, or brimming with melted fat," but as you'll see if you watch the prep video on Bill's Cafe's page, should be defined as "shiny yellow barf on a plate."
i ordered tomato sauce over fresh mozzarella cheese, and like most things with those two ingredients, it was divine. i could almost forget my aching throat.

we both ordered the dessert set, and things just kept getting better. not only did we get a scoop of homemade ice cream, a tiny carafe of pudding, but we also got to select from the daily cakes, and my melty bitter chocolate cake did not disappoint.

that same night we met my adult student ichiro, a fun, friendly clothing line owner with whom i spend class time talking about motorcycles and clothes (man, my job sucks ;p ) and his girlfriend (younger than me!) in nagoya for one of nagoya's famous foods: tebasaki, or chicken wings. by that point the evil sore throat phlegm had all but paralyzed my vocal cords, and i spent the night honking out my amazement, like a pubescent donkey, over the raucous din of yama-chan's packed five-story chicken wing palace.

spicy with salt and pepper, cooled with beers, and made perfect by learning the perfect technique to strip the meat cleanly from the bones in one bite, the tebasaki really were that good. ichiro treated us, and i felt blessed to have so much fun and good food in one day.
megan and i had more great meals with friends, lots of good talks, knitting, and some shopping, but finally we had to say goodbye, a shame since she was a perfect house guest. "old friend" time has been extremely rare in my new city, and it was like a big dose of home having her here.

we waved goodbye in nagoya, and i headed home alone on the 80s-riffic seats of my local train.

bootstrapping

2009-09-13T04:39:00.001-06:00

hello from my mobile phone.my 2nd hard drive croaked yesterday (beware! chicken soup for the mac should only be a figurative expression, but seriously, it lasted at least 5 months after my lunch spill so it cant have been my fault right?)so i am cut off again and taking in the low-tech joys like cleaning and staring at the wall.would love to tell you all about it but my thumb is getting tired.will post a photo instead.

malls on mondays

2009-09-07T07:34:00.009-06:00

hey all. i'm feeling kinda craptacular right now for some reason, but i had a good day. it's monday, my "sunday," and i rolled out of bed at 8:30 and made myself some walnut chocolate chip pancakes for...maybe the first time since i moved in?? they were delicious. too bad i had to eat them all myself!
my world has been expanding a little at a time as i figure out where things are, and i've been trying to reach my chore destinations via different routes so i can see more of the city. today i discovered a cheap sushi restaurant and possibly a shorter route to work and also what looked like a huge second hand store. i keep reminding myself, "these places are near you! you can actually take advantage of them!" it's so hard to believe after three (hundred) years of living in the Brigadoon of japan.
i then meandered to the grocery store/mall i mentioned before. it was marvelously clean and free of people. mondays are the best days to visit malls. it's like the whole place exists just for you (the fantasy of an only child, huh?). i got to really see what the mall had, and it's a pretty unique place for japan (imho). there are window seats by the library (!?), an outdoor terrace by the food court, and some strawberry rilakkuma paraphernalia (megan we must go back when you visit). if i can't find a grassy place to read (my eternal quest), maybe i'll just adjourn to the mall on my days off and read there over some tapioca tea...or starbucks pumpkin lattes...or baskin robbins ice cream...
in the grocery store i love (hereafter referred to as apita), i got offered a kimchee cucumber by the kimchee bar man. yes, they have a whole table of different kinds of kimchee, and a man who just waits there to help you with it. it just so happens cucumber kimchee is my favorite, so i was pretty happy. the guy was truly engaging and started the, "...so where are you from?" line of questioning, but after that he asked more interesting questions than most people do, and he also told me he worked for mitsukoshi department store in nagoya (he was a loaner for the day, maybe?) and enjoyed talking to all the foreign people who came in. i liked him. we had a good old chat (it always helps when they only ask you questions you understand), and i left thinking, "that's why i freaking love this store."
my weekends are getting good. saturday night i went up to nagoya to stay with fern and meet some of her friends, which was sooo wonderful. i've desperately needed some quality laughing and chatting time with other christian women. it's been forever. even better, we're going to do it every week! i feel honored to have been included so naturally in their group. also incredible was the salmon salad with yogurt and hummus for dressing (i was more than a little skeptical) with roasted pumpkin all mixing together into a gorgeous meal. we caught the last train to nagoya station and took a looong walk through the dark city streets to get to fern's apartment. seriously, a 1 am walk through underpasses and along abandoned roads. nowhere but japan would someone like me be doing something like that.
after church the next day, we had a stunning meal at sora, where soy banana shakes taste like this

and then happened across a store with soft, big, beautiful BAGELS. i could have eaten four on the spot.
so, that's the best update i can do feeling the way i do, but i'll put up some more pictures of my apartment like i said i would.
here's the front of the building.

the view from my front window.

the new, improved laundry room with a cover for the hideous washing machine.

and my friendly neighborhood rice field. seriously. in the middle of the city. i love it; it makes the most wonderful sound when the wind blows and is so GREEN.

making it home

2009-08-28T06:11:00.007-06:00

naturally, i can't keep up on all the things i want to show and tell you, but i need to start somewhere, so i guess i'll start with my apartment. i absolutely l~o~v~e it. when i had the this is it feeling the first time i saw it online, i absolutely didn't think it would be possible for me to actually live here. too many variables, too great a place. i was sure it'd disappear, be too expensive (jury's still out on that one), or they wouldn't rent to foreigners. but here i am, sitting on the floor with the key in my purse and my mail showing up downstairs.
it is absolutely perfect for me: i'm on the corner of the top floor, i have a good view of what's goin' on, but no one can see in. there is abundant natural light and air and everything is beautiful! the doors glide smoothly on their tracks; there are outlets in the right places; it feels safe and secure. and don't get me started on the bathtub that you can program to fill itself on schedule to your desired depth and temperature (not to mention that it tells you when it's ready)! but you know what i enjoy most every moment of the day? see that giant spider lurking on the wall of the balcony?

yeah, me neither!
bye bye big bugs. that was the only spider web i could even find. i haven't seen a mukade, an ant, a termite, a mouse, a snake, a cockroach, or a cricket since i moved in here. oh, i did see a mosquito, one. it is marvelous walking around barefoot without worrying about where my toes are going, what could be lurking in any crevice.
i was worried moving my stuff from a small house to a smaller apartment would mean crap everywhere, but if there's one thing i know how to do, it's organize things into submission. i still have great space that feels comfortable and open. too bad i don't have money for any drawers right now, but i'm not hating the boxes too much.
my kitchen:

the bedroom/living room:

the view from the side window of the bedroom:

ok, more pictures soon, including the outside of the building, but it's bedtime and i have to work saturdays, so goodnight!

boom boom pow

2009-08-16T05:45:00.004-06:00

so here i am...sitting on my third-story balcony in the dark, sipping ice water and trying to catch a breeze. it has been unseasonably "cool" (only 81 degrees at 10:00 tonight) and "dry" since i returned to japan, a seriously wonderful thing, because i probably won't have enough money for an air conditioner for at least another month. it's far beyond miserable trying to escape your own sweaty carcass for hours on end. when you can get no relief in your home, it feels like torture. i know roxie understands--when we lived together in tacoma's Sauna of the Sun, the heat literally brought her to tears.
right now i can hear crickets (the cicadas only rev their engines in the daytime), light traffic, my fridge humming, an occasional train going by a few blocks away, and the quiet click of a bicycle down below. that is one of the best things about my apartment: it's quiet. i can't hear my next-door neighbor AT ALL unless she is on balcony hanging laundry, but i don't have to hear phone conversations, blenders, stereos, or babies crying. that's because there is a concrete wall between us. in japan, good walls make good neighbors! reinforced concrete construction, you have my vote!
so i've been back for four days, and there have already been some highs and lows. keep in mind: this is the first time in my life i've moved to a city i'd only been to once before. the only person i know a teeny bit is out of town, and here i am...plunked down in a new place with no idea where anything is or what to expect. i'm already a sensitive person, but put me in a totally new situation, and sensitivity blows up like peeps in the microwave.
yesterday was the low point. for one thing i was already lethargic, but i was feeling so lonely and discouraged, you could have crumpled me with one wrong look. the people at the nearest grocery store didn't seem friendly, the fruit looked crappy and was way overpriced (even for japan), and i felt trapped. i didn't know what lies in any direction from my house, so where could i go? finally, as the evening began to cool down a little, i memorized part of a city map and made myself ride my bicycle to the main train station. just going down the road made me feel better, and i discovered a lot along the way; a post office, the brightest, cleanest drug store i've ever seen, a shopping arcade, the city gym...oh, and a piece of my sanity. i chatted with a nice old lady in a fabric store and then rode back feeling like a new person. i cheerfully bought some beer and edamame at the drug store, i made myself some mexican food, and i fell asleep perfectly content (but a little bit hot).
i know new situations require patience and faith that a Turning Point will come. i think yesterday was a turning point. i got over feeling like a cowardly lion and actually figured some stuff out. today was even better. today i decided to find the mall i saw when passing on a train, so i drove there without incident (ooh, passed an onsen. note to self: visit onsen) and went inside.

! ! whoaaaaa...

i have clearly been in the countryside for too long, friend. a two-floor carpeted mall unfolded before me. i just took it all in. the attached super market was SO much nicer than the one near my house and it had several key things that indicated, "lauren, you have arrived." some of those things were: tortillas, boursin cheese, marshmallows, salsa. these are the things it's hard to find at regular stores in japan, so you know a really well-stocked grocery when you can find them. plus it had the stuff i'm used to at normal prices.

next i ventured into chococro (a chocolate croissant chain). um WOW. i had to have a 2nd one.

just when i thought it couldn't get any better, i came around the corner to a starbucks. now, starbucks isn't my cup of tea (har har) when i'm home. there are so many good, independent coffee shops, but in japan, starbucks is a guaranteed good cup of whatever. and it feels like home. in a place that's not quite home yet, that's even more precious.

begin the begin

2009-07-12T22:45:00.007-06:00

it's the beginning of the end: the last week in what has become my japanese hometown. my classes are finished (anticlimactically), so i will spend the rest of my work days cleaning out my desk, trying to say goodbye to people, and turning my pepsi nex bearbrick into emo bear.

From i eat dirt

sunday i will drive up to my new home. crazy! i don't even know how to get there.

yesterday i returned from a momentous and miraculous journey to nagoya--to get my new visa and re-entry permit!!--which means i actually DO get to go home for the summer and won't be stuck in japan due to a bureaucratic detail. the turnaround was a record 2 weeks (it's supposed to take 1-3 months). everyone i know was praying about this, and i feel so blessed to have these prayers answered. thanks everyone! after i got them, i just sat and pored over those two stamps in my passport, scarcely believing it was true.
i think i was SO relieved that i had a ridiculously clumsy rest of the day: i spaced out and almost missed getting off the train at the right place, i got home and went to the hardware store and couldn't find my wallet (left it on the table at home), forgot to take a picture of the gorgeous green rice fields that i drove by four times, thought i didn't have enough money for my purchase at the convenience store until i found the money in my pocket, and then got home and realized i had bought the wrong thing! phew. i was glad to call it a night.

i'm going to work at a small private eikaiwa (english conversation school), where i will teach people of all ages. i got the apartment i wanted; i found a used washer, fridge, and stove for a good price; and though i've yet to find an air conditioner, i probably won't die of sweatloss.
right now i feel like i'm just waiting for it all to begin. my house is half-packed, i have about 265 things i need to remember to do, in a certain order, or the moving process will screech to a halt and i'll be stuck somewhere without something important like electricity or clothes or money.
as is typical for a big move like this, i've been so busy planning it, i haven't had time to actually absorb it. my first year here, just after i had decided to stay for a second, i had the strong conviction i would feel nostalgic for this place. i got to enjoy two more years after that realization, and i often took the time to enjoy that honey-sweetness in the summer air, the incredible lushness and variety of the flowers, the smoky fires of plant clippings, the ever-changing face of the ocean, the fresh vegetables from my neighbor. i know there are so many people and things i will miss, but since i have tried to enjoy them all along, i hope i won't regret my sudden departure too much.
however, there are some things i certainly won't miss, and here are a few:
the smell of my neighbor's very ripe outhouse (yes, they still have them in the countryside),
accidentally walking through one of the spiderwebs built across the path to school overnight,
having to drive two and a half hours to get tortillas,
killing mukade,
avoiding wearing high heels lest i break my neck walking up or down the steep path to my car,
paying $50 for a one-way ticket to civilization,
wondering where my youth has gone (aka: In-Bed-by-10-On-Weekends Syndrome).

thegirl and the self-timer: old friends

2009-07-04T06:49:00.008-06:00

i've been doing weird self-portraits for years, usually only for lack of a companion. this set of photos was particularly challenging, and i have plenty of shots of just my butt in the camera to prove it. ten seconds just isn't quite enough to hurl yourself down some steps and into a balanced handstand, but i did get one good shot.

my facial expressions are positively tragic with visible effort. i don't think many breakdancers aspire to look like hungry jackals.

and later in the locker room of my gym, i decided to try some tricks in a dress.

i've been packing all day. i have a mere two weeks left in my dear little bug-infested paradise. i've lived here longer than i've lived anywhere alone, so it will be strange, strange to leave it in someone else's hands.

the lushness makes a leafy cave on the path up to my house. goodbye falling-down house.

in the eye of the flea

2009-06-20T08:13:00.025-06:00

i'm going home for a visit in exactly a month (yaHOO!), but before that i have to move! i can't believe it! my contract is finally coming to an end (that three years evaporated fast), and i've felt the growing urge to leave small-town japan for a big city (where i can wear my wacky clothes and lolita dresses!) my future home is called ichinomiya, a mere ten minutes from nagoya by train. ichinomiya is an interesting city in its own right: a hub of textile-making and home to the noro yarn factory, but i'm equally thrilled to be in such close proximity to nagoya. i like nagoya partly because it's underrated. while tokyo, kyoto, and osaka are constantly entertaining strangers, nagoya gets on with living. it feels normal there. don't get me wrong, i still adore osaka, but i think as far as places to live go, nagoya is much more my speed.
not only will i be changing towns, i'll be trading mie prefecture's hang-ten hand for aichi, which is more, well, flea-shaped!

last weekend i got to do something i've been dying to do since i started thinking about moving: apartment hunting! i love seeing inside empty houses and imagining my life in each one, and it's even more interesting in japan. i scoured the online listings for hours, scrutinizing every floor plan, decoding what the abbreviations meant, determining where they were located. i found a good sampling within my estimated price range, and finally i got to visit the real estate office.
i had tiptoed around actually contacting them for months. it's totally legal here to discriminate against foreigners for housing, and especially if your japanese is poor (like mine), some people are flat-out refused. i was quaking in my boots that this would happen. while my employer has some housing available, it shares a kitchen and a bathroom, and people, i am 30 years old. i want my own space! i have had so many undesirable situations where i was the only person cleaning the bathrooms or kitchen, and i'm so over that.
i decided the best course of action would be to email minimini (the real estate company) the online form for the places i liked. i was able to communicate through email for a bit, hopefully laying down a foundation for our business relationship. i convinced my friend sam to go with me to help with communication, as his japanese is hot stuff. i was sweating bullets over all the details: how much money would i need to move in? (a lot, i was sure), when could i move in?, what kind of guarantor would i need? etc. i was totally blessed, therefore, when the secretary of my new employer offered to go with me to look at apartments. she's japanese. she knows about all those details. pheeww.
she and i met for the first time and headed straight to minimini to look for some good apartments. the agent was helpful and pulled a bunch of apartments with my specifications. most important: a nice kitchen! who knew i would turn into someone who loves cooking so much? i don't want to be cooking in the hallway just inside the front door, a typical layout. i also don't want a single burner stove and no counters. i wanted a good size kitchen with some natural light.

so typical. :) an apartment i considered, but decided against. you walk in the front door and there's a bathroom sink, followed by a kitchen sink and small stove (see the floor plan). no hallway cookin' for me!

this even smaller place is purely unacceptable unless you have kitchen phobia.

then we headed out to see some places. i thought we'd be visiting at least, you know, six places, but we only went to three! the first one was a...how do you say?...a dump. dinky windows on the first floor and facing a rusted brown corrugated wall (possibly artistic, but not good for reflecting light); i was not thrilled. the space was ok, three tiny rooms and a window in the kitchen, but i knew i couldn't live there.
the second place was like paradise after the first: new, gorgeous, and with many perks! we all ambled around in wonder. it had a great stove already, an air conditioner (most places don't and they're Expensive), beautiful storage, nice fixtures! the drawbacks were important, though. again it was on the first floor, not good for single women living alone. i want to be able to leave my windows open when i sleep, but the only other "windows" besides the tiny one in the kitchen was the two very nice, huge sliding glass doors--not a good way to keep prowlers out. that means i would always have to sleep with the windows closed. hmm. also, the sliding glass doors face cedar bushes. it may be private, but it's boring. if there's one thing i know about myself, it's that i need a view. i need to be able to see other people or cars or something. it helps me feel connected. there were no windows in the laundry room, bathroom, or toilet either...a tiny bit depressing. lastly, the first floor is the bug floor. i've had my fill of huge, ugly bugs. i'm ready to go up a level.
Apartment Two:
fancy toilet, and a mirror so you can look at yourself while sitting on the fancy toilet?

the face washing sink (this seems to be an important feature in Japanese apartments), and a place for the washing machine.

ooh, nice stove. i've never seen a place with a "real" oven. my convection oven is wonderful, though.

seriously great storage, a huge plus.

the view of the cedar bushes.

the last place we looked at was the one i had picked as my online favorite. when i had seen it, i had a "that's the one" moment. i didn't think it was going to be possible since it was near my upper price limit and i thought i'd have to pay extra for parking, but the parking is included.
inside the top floor corner apartment, it was a festival of sunlight. the view was marvelous; windows in all the rooms, away from the bugs and street noise and peeping eyes. an aerie. granted, it didn't have the appliances the other place had, but it felt so much more like me. we exclaimed over the view; i exclaimed over the spotless stainless steel under the kitchen sink (you could eat off it), and i snapped pictures helter-skelter. we returned to the office utterly exhausted. i wanted to get on with drawing up the contract for Door Number 3, but i guess they have to formally ask the landlord and do all sorts of credit checks, so i headed home to wait it out.

Door Number 3:
the plan.

inside the front door. nice cabinet for shoes.

the first left is the face washing/laundry room, which leads into the bathing room. a window in each!

a close-up of the face washing station.

the 2nd left is the toilet. it's not a "washlet," but i do think the toilet seat is heated, which is pretty much the ultimate luxury.

standing in the kitchen looking back at the front door.

the kitchen! so clean, so pretty!

the other side of the kitchen where the balcony is.

in the room adjacent to the kitchen (the corner room), there is a glass window so you can see onto your balcony without going out on it. handy?

a wider view of that room with the front window.

and finally, the corner window and closet.

other benefits of this building include an air conditioned elevator, hey! and its close proximity to mos burger, baskin robbins, and at least 3 conbinis.

the funny part was that after we had all parted ways, i didn't feel the incredible relief i expected to feel after finding a possible home; i felt terrified! if i was sweating bullets before, i was sweating cannonballs now. for three days i was under the most choking, sweating, persecutin' fear. what if i couldn't afford that place with my new job? what if i didn't get the apartment? what if i did? how on earth was i going to pay for all the appliances? an air conditioner alone is over 500 bucks here! how was i going to live on the money i have left from this job for the next two months until i get my next real paycheck? finally after going to bed exhausted (and sometimes waking up in worry) every night, i finally had a breakthrough. i remembered what i learned from Biggest Loser: fear is a doorway. i'm so close to getting something i've wanted to experience for at least 5 years--city living in japan--and i'm ready to turn away at the opportunity because it's hard and scary. i can either go towards fear and through it, or i can keep retreating and never get past it. it takes being uncomfortable to grow, and i want to grow!
i still don't have any answers, but i know God's going to provide for me. it doesn't mean it's going to be perfect but that i'm not alone in dealing with it. those are odds i think i can live with. so unless things take another turn, i will be moving into this lovely apartment in the high heat and humidity of summer with no air conditioning! i wil probably lose five pounds of sweat! i think i see a silver lining?

mind your Ds and Qs (i'm not talking about Dairy Queen, people)

2009-05-24T03:23:00.016-06:00

when you visit me in japan (as kara did recently), here are some ground rules:
DO visit all the good restaurants with me because we both eat meat! meat rules!

DO have a rousing night of old-people-meets-new-people karaoke with favorites like Gold Digger and Dance Dance.

DO eat the delicious breakfasts i make, like orange, chocolate chip, walnut scones.

DO get dressed up in antique kimono that cost over $10,000 and eat traditional desserts like yokan.

but lord, DO NOT come down with anything vaguely resembling the flu if you were recently in the US, or the still-panicky health department will send you to get tested for the swine flu. this involves having a swab stuck so far up your nasal cavity that your brain hears a knock at the door.
kara and i had a really great visit, but the day she was supposed to leave, she showed up at my school with a high fever and sore throat. when she called the health department (she was required to call them every day of her trip to assure them she was in good health), they sent us to the hospital for a swine flu test. we weren't even allowed through the main entrance. a nurse with a very secure mask resembling a cloth duck bill met us and told us to stay in the car. when they called us in the back basement entrance of the hospital, the doctor and nurse who met us were in full-body cloth hazmat suits! not a speck of skin or hair or clothing was open to the air.
on the left is the wonderful teacher helping us, miss shirota, with her signature style of wearing a mask over just her mouth. totally effective, uh huh.

the hospital basement with some machine thingie.

the depressing room in which we had to wait for the results. very prison-esque.

the exam was short, and kara came up negative for swine flu, but they still wanted to keep her in the hospital for several days while her fever went down. the only other choice was my house. of course it was ok for her to stay with me, but it meant putting off the rest of her trip.
we returned home, and i went back to work. soon someone came to inform me that i was taking a mandatory two days off so i wouldn't threaten the rest of the school with the flu i didn't have. fine! two free nice days off (no complaints)...cooped up with a sick person. so it was no surprise that i came down with the same thing the day kara got back on the road.
my sore throat got worse and worse and worse. fearing strep throat, i headed to the doc, and though he only looked in my throat (no culture needed, i guess), and after the obligatory brain-scramble swab, he told me it wasn't strep or the flu. however, since he prescribed an antibiotic, i didn't complain. i figured that should kill it.
in japan, you can either swallow the fun powder or fill your own capsules, which i decided to do, just because it was fun playing apothecary.

grey today

2009-05-12T17:50:00.005-06:00

the sky is grey when i wake up, but the air isn't heavy. the birds are singing, and last night's invisible sprinkle has cleaned the air of blooming jasmine. i feel quiet. as mom can tell you, this can translate to grouchy if you try to talk to me on mornings like this, but i'm alone, so i have my black mango tea with light chocolate cookies in silence. when i was young, i was obsessed with the idea of tea and crumpets, though i had no idea what crumpets were. i imagined they were crumbly, cylindrical cookies. maybe they had chopped nuts like a scone. when i was told what they were really like, i ignored the truth and kept imagining them the way i always had. i've still never had one, and i actually just looked them up online to see what they really look like...like an english muffin, how boring.
i get dressed in cloudy colors and zip up my brooding sweatshirt. it's a hoodless hoodie; a soft, fitted jacket that feels perfect on days i want to be left alone. there's a dagger pin at the neck from a deadly squire oven mitt i bought in new york. the black is worn to grey and the sleeves are holey, thanks to planned obsolescence. i would like it a little better if there wasn't a big hole in the armpit. i've sewn it together twice, but it keeps disintegrating. an armpit hole is as embarrassing for a shirt as a tear in the rear is for pants.
i take small steps down the hill to school, enjoying the new smells rising from the trees and flowers. a plant i don't know drops tiny white petals on the path from where it perches in the hillside overhead. i know i'll miss this two-minute walk when i live in the city. it's the perfect filter for the day: differently-colored flowers every season, fresh smells, sun and rain. i try to hold onto that feeling when i face the next 8 hours indoors. today i breathe in a pleasant woodsmoke smell and try to time my tiny steps so i'll arrive at the road in-between big groups of students, but i'm not quite successful. two girls who normally yell my name from a block away see me, but thankfully they just say hello and keep talking. i change my shoes and trudge inside without seeing anyone, a relief. the office is still quiet because the first bell hasn't rung yet, so i manage to install myself at my desk without much trouble. when the meeting ends, i plug in my headphones and tune out everything except you. the computer picks music for my mood perfectly: slowdive, hum, jason mraz, azure ray, jose gonzales, sun kil moon, iron & wine.
last night, i peeked outside my front door to see where the exhaust smell filling my house was coming from. a big spider fell off the door, and i swear it tripped over its long legs and staggered backwards. this is going to be a very big insect year. it's only may!

so, as i finally come out of my quiet mood (oh ****! now i'm having a disproportionate amount of rage because someone threw away my milk, and i already brewed my coffee. angry face!), i should get to news. wow! it's been a month since i've written. that was quick. the exercising continues, though with actual school going on, i have a little less creative energy to think about dancing. i'm still running and lifting weights, and my arms are showing real improvement...definition noticeable enough that one of the ripped baseball boys asked me the other day if i've been lifting weights! it's so nice to have arms that are not just weak, shapeless tubes. of course, it makes fitting into the sleeves of delicate japanese shirts nigh impossible. (i'm over the coffee anger; don't worry. it only lasted a few minutes.)
i bought a wrist support, which makes trying tricks much more comfortable, at least physically. when i'm writhing around on the mats in a confusion of awkward spins and falls, it takes commitment to keep trying as a toothless old man stares from the vibrating plate machine. oh well. my body has felt good lately; my back feels better-supported, the weird binding/burning ligament on the top of my right foot has gone away, and my wrists and knees are holding up. it's all about the joints in this family.
as for next year, it looks like i'll be working in ichinomiya, aichi. it's only 10 minutes from nagoya, hallelujah! i have been so caught up in the details and complications of trying to end one job, plan a big move, find an apartment, start a new job, sell my car, and visit home, all in a foreign language, that i've lost sight a little bit of how exciting it will be to (for starters) live in a city that has a mexican food restaurant! has trains every few minutes instead of every few hours! is an hour from the airport! i am seriously timed out on this small town, and i'm proud of launching myself into the unknown in order to find more stimulation and inspiration. full speed ahead!

the secret life of knees

2009-04-12T21:44:00.005-06:00

my knees have been working hard lately in my quest for breakdancing skills. i don't bruise easily, but even landing tricks on tatami has left every surface of my kneecap in various shades of purple.

i've begun lifting weights in earnest (i guess you could call it that); it's just no fun being too weak to catch myself as i hurl face-first toward the floor. my vocabulary and understanding of moves like windmills and flares has improved, but my poor "power" wrist is the weakest link. so many "power moves" require balancing all your weight on just one hand. my weedy wrists cry for mercy.
my body also seems confused as to whether it is fit or flabby; it's caught somewhere in between. some muscles are pulling in, some pushing out, some have yet to surface. it's a confused circus of fit-making. i just need a movie montage; that would make this process go a whole lot faster.

WTF, japan!

2009-04-02T01:39:00.007-06:00

april 2: thanks to the elusive genius of the postal service, i sent off my american taxes two days ago...and then received them (stamps cancelled) in my own mailbox! certainly the japanese stamps and return address, along with the "airmail" sticker, were enough to indicate it should actually leave the country. the other weird part was the envelope wasn't stuck in my mail slot like usual or on the floor below it, it was about two feet from there on the big step up into my house...like it had been placed there. i can't even imagine how it got there; i hope desperately it was just a big gust of indoor wind, not some creepy (but clueless) postal worker.

also, the one time they ask me if i want bags at the grocery store (they seriously overbag here. my second complete japanese sentence was "i don't need a bag"), i have to say yes i need some because i didn't remember to bring any from home, and what does the guy do? he charges me 5 yen and doesn't give me bags. he gives me a stamp card for bringing my own bags, which i clearly don't have. invisible bags: not good for groceries! i took the basket out to my car and just plopped things one by one into the seat and drove off laughing nervously.
is april fool's a day later here? am i being punk'd?

well, whatever. i've been working out a lot (words i never ever thought i'd say), so i've been pretty relaxed. i am approaching a place i have never consciously been in my life: fitness. the muscles under my skin are beginning to feel taut, the sweating is making my skin smooth, and i'm getting some definition in my legs and abs. i mean, i actually have muscles under there? i keep wanting to touch them to ascertain they're really there. i'm totally going to turn into that guy who has his hand under his shirt all the time because he's feeling his pecs.

auto-updates, the scariest thing since killer bees

2009-04-01T17:38:00.004-06:00

this morning i was prompted to update my computer software, something i've been avoiding for months. auto-updates are the kiss of death. the last two times i have allowed them to run their course, my computer fell into a coma and had to be woken up in "safe mode," which feels far from safe. they should call it "get ready to panic mode." both times i was able to eventually reach my computer's consciousness again, but after last year's hard drive failure, i'm rightfully paranoid. however, updates are important for security and performance reasons, so i finally hurried through a photo/music backup session and clicked Go To It.

*beep...swoosh*
no blue screen of death? no endless restart? i think that's a first.

nevertheless, i'm having an oddly anxious day. i'm hoping to get a job in this small english school near nagoya, and i have an appointment to meet them in a week and check out the housing options they have available. that's one odd thing about japan. rather than leaving you to your own devices, many jobs have their own housing, which can either be a really good thing or really, really not.
i love looking at apartments, and i was actually really excited to find a cute little place that's right for me, but it could be a lot cheaper to go with what they have, and my japanese isn't great, so there you go. the persistent problem.
i had a nice anxiety dream about it too, or i guess it was an anxiety dream. in my dream i was worried about it, just like i am IRL (that's "in real life" for you grown-ups), but when they showed me the apartment, i loved it. an anti-anxiety dream? but when i woke up, i didn't feel any of the "phew, it was only a dream" relief.
on the other hand, i have been obsessively daydreaming about what it would be like to live a mere ten minutes from a major city! i have been wrapping myself in the sweet nectar of shorter train times and cheaper fares like a mosquito in lip gloss. i'll be half an hour (and $10) from places it would have taken me 3 hours (and $70) to reach from here! my life will never be the same again. i mean, i might actually have one.

shake n' break

2009-04-01T00:24:00.003-06:00

here's the freeze i nailed this morning and without looking all exhausted and sweaty, either! can't say the same for all my practices earlier in the week. i definitely need to work on my arm strength, as i have now realized that being a woman, and therefore having a lower center of gravity, makes the power moves a lot more challenging because it changes the balance. i'm determined, though!

very dramatic! i love this shot; i just couldn't make it into position before the self-timer went off.

a much harder freeze: no knees!

jelly arms and judo candy: my new career as a breaker

2009-03-16T16:38:00.022-06:00

the last time i was excited about doing something athletic was about, ohhh, never. i did ballet and gymnastics as a kid, but i avoided "sports" like plague monkeys. i like being healthy, but i don't totally enjoy the process of staying that way. the only reason i started going to the gym was because i got an ipod. dancing has always made me happy, so i trick myself into "dancing" in a straight line on a machine. i go to the gym about twice a week, but it's a slacker workout--i drag myself in the door for twenty to forty minutes of running, some stretching, and i'm back out in an hour, glad to have it over with for a few more days. i do feel energetic and relaxed and all that crap, which is why i go. however, something has gone terribly wrong...
ever since Quest Crew set fire to the stage of America's Best Dance Crew, i'm actually antsy to get in the gym. i'm on fire too. i have been stupidly happy, studying their performances over and over, heart pounding. SO. DAMN. EXCITED! it's been disturbingly long since i felt this inspired. Quest has made the awe-inspiring art of breakdancing accessible. breaking has always seemed scary and exclusionary...ripped street dudes battling on the pavement, which is where it started. since i've never been street, it seemed untouchable. but the Quest guys are fun, silly, artistic, and incredibly good at breaking. and they're conceptual; artistically they speak my language. i knew they were going to be something special when i recognized Victor Kim and Hok from So You Think You Can Dance (other members were on season 3, which i haven't seen).

ok, time for you to see for yourself! click the HQ button so you can appreciate the speed and intricacy. week 1: the first taste! week 3: they had to "bring" britney spears and do part of the routine blindfolded. week 6: their choreography had to be inspired by the Chris Brown Forever video. week 7: they had to incorporate 5 specific hip-hop styles into the number. OrQuestra: as their final performance, they had to make their own song and create a dance that showed what their crew was all about.

so what does all this mean?
it means i have been getting all kinds of uncomfortable in pursuit of some street cred. 'till now i haven't been exactly stationary, but i haven't done a headstand or somersault (child's play, really) in a long time. my first attempt at a handstand made my blood, so used to chillin' in my lower extremities, rocket to my brain, and i felt heavier and stupider than a cartoon anvil. luckily it's all uphill from there.
last week i started practicing in earnest. i'm a baby on this road, so i decided to start with baby freezes. yeah, i know they look easy, but i don't have a lot of core strength, and at first i was bent over my arm like soggy cardboard. my wrists are crap too. a week later, though, i nailed it. my handstands have progressed to four controlled seconds, i can do armstands, and my air swipes are looking less like a scribble and more like an illustration.
this all comes at a price: i doubt most beginning breakdancers get pounding headaches every time they practice, but of course they probably aren't starting at 30 years old either...make that definitely aren't. you should start learning this before you worry about the consequences of falling on your face, breaking your back, or biting your tongue off. i also had a slight run-in with the bathroom doorknob, but amazingly i think my knee won the battle. i got a purple lump, but the doorknob had to be bent back into place.

yesterday i spent longer than usual at my tiny gym. the only other people who really hang there are two old guys and two grunty guys who wear circus pants and lift in the other room (they got nothin' on me), so i don't feel awkward trying out my weird new moves. after an hour of working the mats, i could feel their curiosity seeping through the door. one after another, they would walk in, do something for like 30 seconds and then go back. it made me happy in a way, because it felt like the beginning of a tentative camaraderie. finally one guy told me the other guy was sukebei (a perv), always a good ice breaker. i laughed and felt accepted into the outskirts of their muscle village; it was the first word any of them had ever spoken to me.
at last, you can see for yourself what i've been up to. by the end of the night, my arms were pulpy and quivering, my head throbbed, and i thought wistfully about judo candy (advil, coined by stan lim--thanks stan!). falling out of this position sounds like toppling bowling pins: that would be my limbs hitting the floor. i pulled the arch of my foot too, and realized i should have been wearing shoes, but here it is. i can do it with just one arm and a little bit of face.

today i feel like someone popped my barbie arms off and beat me with them.

the fine line between bread and pain

2009-03-07T03:42:00.007-07:00

i'm still on a health high! every day that i wake up feeling good, i practically skip to school beaming. it's incredible how much energy even minor health problems require. i've been eating normally again for about five days and reeeeally enjoying food.
last night i had kimchi nabe for one. nabe is supposed to be a communal, party-type food, but those adorable tiny mushrooms were on sale (enokitake) and it snowballed. i don't have a portable burner like most people use to cook on the table at parties, so i just sat by my stove and shovelled (ok, chopstick-ed...chopstuck?) spicy goodness into my mouth. yes, i ate it all in one sitting. you put an assortment of veggies, tofu, and meat to bubble in a spicy broth and then fish out whatever you want when it's done. easy! it was the first time i had made it myself, and it was yummy!

ready to eat!

afterwards, you put rice in to soak up the broth and have it for lunch the next day.

i also made molten chocolate muffins, again. i had been craving them, but held off since my system wasn't amenable to solid foods last week. i couldn't even manage to give one away, they are so good! if you want the recipe, it's this one. i don't use the espresso or ice cream, you don't need it!
this culinary hedonism began last week. i had been slowly adding solid food back into my diet, with a few fits and starts, when i started craving taiyaki. taiyaki is sweet batter cooked in the shape of a fish, usually filled with something. occasionally there is a very friendly guy who sells it in the entrance of the grocery store. i walked to the store for some exercise, and lucky! the guy was there. i said "screw you" to my intestines, smiled sweetly at the vendor, and walked away with 17 mini taiyaki (what an odd number, 17! that was the minimum you could buy). i sat down on a park bench so that i wasn't eating and walking, prayed for smooth sailing, and started eating. i have been really concentrating on eating more slowly and chewing better, thanks mom, so that's what i did. no problems! magnificent happiness!

my favorite filling is cho~co~late.

the scene of the crime.

thanks to my very good mood, i had a good laugh at this student's test answer because it sounded all too familiar.

she meant "bread," since "pan" is bread in japanese, but the misspelling makes it genius!

my, what large eyes you have

2009-02-25T17:04:00.007-07:00

i've been feeling really crappy the past week. not "i'm sick and need to rest" crappy, but "i wonder if i should go to the hospital" crappy. i won't tell you the gory details, but suffice it to say my digestive tract has been jacked. clem seems to be involved somehow, and i've been feeling a lot of discomfort. however, last night i had only chicken broth and a probiotic Yakult for dinner (despite serious cravings for a hamburger), and now i'm feeling a LOT better. i'm hopeful it will last. so on a health-high, i'm going to write some more.
i have a wide melodramatic streak which i have mostly overcome, but when i feel vulnerable, especially health-wise, it reasserts itself as my hypochondria shoots into overdrive. welcome to my life the past year. last night, as i prayed for my guts to get a grip, i started imagining simple things i wanted to experience again before i die. you know those old-fashioned knobbly bedspreads from like the 40s? i kept thinking, "i wish i could wrap myself up in one at some nice old lady's house." weird! i think it has more to do with wanting to be comforted and taken care of than anything, but it's still pretty random.
when i was around 15, we went on little family vacation to arizona. we decided to stay at a bed and breakfast. my memories of the whole experience are time-worn, but i do remember our hostess, june, had a pretty literal interpretation of "bed and breakfast." it wasn't private and luxurious, there was no separation from her own living space and ours, it was just a couple of rooms in her house. it was like intruding on someone else's grandma. i slept in her grown daughter's room with all of her stuff staring at me; it was incredibly awkward. mom and i had whispered exclamations of dismay and hilarity as we joked about june-bug. the next morning at breakfast, she had cut the only orange off her cornered orange tree. we would have gladly done without the sacrifice, as the orange was tart and thick-skinned. after breakfast we evacuated as soon as possible, grimacing comically to each other. anyway, i think she had one of those knobbly quilts on my bed. even though the experience was awkward, it's a good memory.
the other thing i thought of was wanting to smell wood chips again. talk about random!

so here's the real story; recently i endeavored to get some new contact lenses. this is always a long, emotionally painful process because my eyes are apparently incredibly difficult to please. then of course, i know none of the technical japanese, so i had to drag someone along with me every time i went. talk about trouble! the first and second pairs were way off. as is always the case, i could see the technicians' faces fall when they spotted me in the waiting room. as if i WANT to come back and bother them that many times. i suggested to the doctor (this is my experience with my own eyes speaking) that slightly larger lenses usually hold my strong prescription better. as this filtered through my translator, the response was "we'll have to customize them, since we japanese have smaller eyeballs." ha! i wasn't saying my eyes were bigger, i was saying the lens is stronger. it seemed a ludicrous statement, but he agreed to try, and the next pair was much closer. at long last, we arrived at pair that seemed decent enough, so me and my giant foreign eyeballs walked happily out the door.

2009: sexy and sugar-free

2009-02-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

many of you wonder what happened to mr. sugar since i haven't mentioned him in a while. well, i'm not really the new year's resolution type, but i also like the idea of starting fresh, so as the new year dawned, i considered my relationship to him. i knew that i was putting way too much thought into every little interaction we had, which isn't the sign of a healthy balance. i admitted to myself that it didn't seem likely it would go anywhere, so why waste anymore time hoping for it? that's when i decided to earnestly let go of him; stop hoping for anything in the future, cut off the part of me reaching out for his attention.
i did pretty well. it's hard to change your knee-jerk reaction to someone right away, but after that split second every morning, i'd return to not thinking of him.
two weeks later, i looked up to see him standing next to me in the copy room. he made some small talk and then said, "i have news." they should call it "knews," because as soon as he said that, i knew exactly what it was. over winter break he got married. yet another secret-till-it's-a-done-deal japanese romance. that explained a LOT. the invisible elephant, apparently sitting on my head, and the awkwardness that has surrounded our interactions the past several months, evaporated. somewhat giddily, i yammered congratulations, and he seemed truly surprised. i wonder if he expected me to cry. far from it; finally i could relax. finally i knew where he was really coming from.
it still strikes me as odd that not six months ago, he was telling me that everyone was pressuring him to find someone and get married, but he didn't want to...little did i know he was probably already staring down the long barrel of that gun. in japan, if you're past thirty and single, you may as well have a big, fat expiration date on your face. i guess the clock is ticking since i just turned 30!
;)

my first daikon

2009-01-18T21:11:00.006-07:00

so my neighbor, aiko-san, the old lady who always tries to talk to me in a thickly dialectal japanese, offered me a daikon radish my first year, but i told her i didn't really know how to use it. by "told her," i mean i shrugged and looked helpless. however, since we've gotten to know each other better and since i've done more japanese cooking recently, when she offered me one from her garden this year, i accepted. she also threw in some fresh spinach. i looked up some ways to use daikon and decided on a miso soup, since that's easy. i even made real kombu seaweed broth, from scratch! most people here don't do that anymore, but it's not hard and gives the soup a more complex flavor and higher nutrient content. i threw a few yuzu (citrus) peels in the broth too, and it was the most delicious miso soup i've ever made!

i stewed the rest of the daikon and crushed some sesame seeds into a salty miso sauce, and ta-da! i polished off my first daikon in one sitting.

here's me goofing off in circle K, blowing the steam from my tiny matcha latte.

osechi in pink pants

2009-01-13T19:03:00.016-07:00

let's get to it! lots of stuff to tell you. i'll start with the new year and weave crazily through time from there. lots of pictures too; prepare yourself.
this was my first christmas/new year in japan, even though i've lived here for 2 1/2 years; it was my first christmas away from home ever (more on that later). i wanted to experience something authentic or traditional from the japanese new year holiday, like making mochi or whatever, but i didn't have any takers right away. i at least wanted to eat some of the foods (like the mysterious osechi i heard people talk about). i got in the spirit of things by buying some of the fancy sweets that come out for the new year. they didn't really taste as good as they looked.

ok, this one was the prettiest and had the best texture.

something that tasted wonderful, though, was my latest obsession--ichigo daifuku! marina tried to get me excited about these when she lived here, but i just wasn't there yet. my slowly changing tastes have finally found their way back to this winter sweet. inside soft pink mochi and bean paste is a fresh strawberry. they're a little difficult to find, so when i did happen to come upon them, i bought as many as i could conceivably eat in a day (they expire very quickly). YUMMMY.

my tastes have really changed a lot since i came here. i'm actually proud of that. it's fun to get used to, and even begin to like things that used to be weird to you. a barely-poached egg (floating in liquid like an amputated eye), all yellow and runny and swirled into rice for breakfast used to be barf-o-rific. this year i started craving it; i couldn't get enough! i stopped barely tolerating bean paste and started liking it. i look forward to pickled vegetables with my meal. i relish the tart saltiness of umeboshi. my feelings about fish have changed a lot too; i used to only like sushi or a cooked fillet. but now...fish for breakfast? pickled fish with the skin on? whole tiny fish with sesame seeds? all fine with me.
anyway, cat and tomohiro came to my house for a little new year's party, and we played Uno (surprisingly hard to follow after all this time, even sober!), watched a movie, and at 11:30, hiked up the mountain behind my house in the dark (not one of my better ideas) to see the midnight fireworks from the top. i've been up that path several times in the daylight, and it's not very difficult, but between the two measly flashlights and tomohiro's odd city-boy lurching on the trail, it was more dangerous than i expected. it didn't help that we couldn't see how steep the trail was around us...or in front, or behind. we slid in leaves and stumbled over boulders and finally found our way to the rock that overlooks the city. in the darkness it looked a million times smaller and more precarious than in daylight. plus, i had just recalled the stories of wild boars in that area (was it a tall tale?). the idea of being cornered on a cliff by a massive wild boar terrified me. it would be all my fault, too. great.
after the brief fireworks, i begged the other two to go straight down, and we did. i didn't relax until we finally reached the safety of the road. 2009, ushered in by the fear of being gored or plunging to my death.

our "wild" night.

new year's day i got my wish. my friend wakana offered to make me lunch at her family home, and what was it? osechi! it turns out to be a collection of traditional foods (which vary by family) made or bought during the new year that you can kinda eat at any time without much preparation. that frees the womenfolk to relax too (supposedly). wakana's family's osechi looked like this:

the soup is ozoni, a soy-sauce broth with meat or veggies and mochi in it. there were also sweet black beans, jammy orange chestnuts, pickled sushi, fish cakes, fish eggs, and vegetables with lotus root. i liked everything but the fish eggs. her sweet grandmother beamed at me from her hospital bed in the living room. when i first arrived, i thought, "oh crap, am i disturbing her?" i remember my own grandmother when she got to the point where she was in hospital bed. she was often confused and distracted, but this tiny old woman was sharp! she gently got herself up and pulled out a photo album of wakana's baby pictures for me to see. she had taken all of them, and they were large, color prints that captured the parallel time of my own childhood in another country. the family's love was palpable in the pictures. it was surprisingly touching to see it. the only odd part was the occasional naked baby picture...which turned into the occasional naked middle-school picture as the album progressed. i don't really have a problem with tasteful? appropriate? nudity in art or life, but it was weird to have someone watching me look at nude pictures of my friend who was in the other room. what was i supposed to say? still, i was impressed by the collection and the fact that i had a chance to meet her sweet granny.

i went for a solitary walk on the 2nd. it was chilly, grey, and blanketed in that inpenetrable stillness that falls over towns during holidays when everyone is wrapped up inside. it was lonely, but in a good way; it was nice to be out in the freshness. most people put up sprigs of cleyera on their homes and businesses like we do evergreen wreaths, but i chuckled when i saw this one was put up with tape. i used to tape Everything, and my mom used to tease me about it. see mom! i'm not the only one!

the next stop was my favorite teacher and dear friend naoko's family home in tsu. i drove as the sun set and snapped pictures out the window.

a mikan (mandarin orange) grove above a bridge. mie is chock full of them. we are swimming in mikan. sometimes they terrace them over train tunnels. there is just No More Room for another orange tree.

hilarious. not a lot of competition to post signs here...on this abandoned shack.

finally i got to meet naoko's parents, who are both as sweet and wonderful as naoko herself! they said i was their "other daughter" and that it felt comfortable to have me there. i felt the same!
they made me osechi meal #2!
a lot of the same things here: in the middle; black sweet beans and a different kind of chestnut, then fish cakes, fish, veggies with lotus and shiitake, and fish eggs.

a side plate of sea cucumber (nice taste, weird texture) and pickled radish with a golden dish of sake.

a slightly less traditional dish; sausage and cabbage, and chawanmushi, which i helped make.

finally, homemade mochi toasted and wrapped in nori.

i shared artichoke hearts with them, so they could try something i love.

naoko's dad.

our family picture of sorts.

naoko's mom even gave me otoshidama, a gift of money (given to kids up through high school age) in a little envelope! i was really lucky and got just what i wanted for the new year: an experience of the traditional new year holiday with a wonderful family.

i have this under control?

2008-12-03T03:47:00.002-07:00

as most of you know, i teach all of my classes with partner teachers who speak both english and japanese. i am the "native speaker." most of the time i trade off with the other teacher during the class, sometimes bearing most of the responsibility for the lesson, but i have never started class without the other teacher present. last week, however, one of the teachers i work with was occupied by some crisis when our class was supposed to begin. he waved me towards the door and told me to go ahead to class. i thought he would just be absent for a minute or two, but when he didn't come, i figured i should start class. silence fell over the room as i faced them, and i said the word i had heard hundreds of times, hajimemashou? "Let's begin." The question in my voice broke the tension, and everyone laughed. They rose, we bowed, and I started class alone for the first time. It felt good!

2008-11-18T22:46:00.012-07:00

autumn, and i wanted to return to this wonderful place in kyoto i realized i never wrote about. during my first year, thanks to the magnificent sam and fiona, we saw the cherry blossoms in kyoto and stayed in a traditional merchant house, called machiya. it's one of the coolest places i've ever stayed. the mansion is mazelike and has many cool surprises, usually discovered when crawling around, feeling every corner in search of each room's three or four well-hidden light switches (one will be in a cabinet, one on the ceiling, and one outside the room). there are at least fourteen rooms, too, so turning off the 40 lights is practically a full-time job.
i assembled twelve friends and we gathered at the machiya for a november weekend. brian and i had to take off work early friday (since we live the farthest away) in order to check in on time. in celebration, we bought some beers and had a lovely afternoon drinking and knitting on the train!

when we arrived, a young man who spoke english met us there in order to go over the rules (and where to find the light switches!). when he mentioned he had lived in the US, i asked where and was surprised to hear it was seattle. i told him i had lived just south, in tacoma. he was like, "actually. tacoma is where i lived too." the coincidences got weirder. we both studied painting in tacoma at the same time! we both lived downtown. finally i said, "i lived near the Grand Cinema," and he said, "so you must have known the Kickstand Cafe?" of course i did. suddenly, the six years since folded up like an accordion, and the memory of his face surfaced. i had met him before, just once, in that cafe in tacoma!! he had even given me a japanese fashion magazine, which i still have!
whoa.

one by one, people arrived on buses and trains, and we took a "family picture" in the dining room.

we scattered through the house, exploring. each room is beautiful, and several of the rooms surround inner gardens open to the sky, separated by only paper shoji doors. the bathrooms each have a cedarwood bathtub, the absolute best material a bath could be made of. the wood is never cold like ceramic or steel, so you settle in with no shock of cold against your skin. it's marvelous. (a picture of that coming soon)
we made futon angels, and then talked late into the night.

WOOOOOOOAAA!

2008-11-12T22:15:00.006-07:00

one lucky day in autumn is my school's ensoku or "excursion." each class goes somewhere as a group. last year i enjoyed playing in the park with the third-years, but this year the teachers worked extra hard, and we got to go to a theme park! on a weekday! for free! it was ridiculous! ;D
the only hard part was getting up at 5:30, but the morning was beautiful. we set off in seven buses (one homeroom per bus) for the long drive. it was the only time i've gotten to experience the (uniquely japanese?) feeling of the homeroom as a close-knit family. usually they have the same homeroom all three years of high school, so they really know each other well. the atmosphere was festive and kids moved freely around chatting an joking with each other, taking pictures of their classmates who had fallen asleep, and sharing snacks.
i talked a lot with hiroshi and yukimasa in the seat behind me because i know them pretty well. they sang a cappella songs, some in "english." one such song was Stand By Me, but instead of starting the chorus with 'Darlin' Darlin',' yukimasa burst into song with, "Stalin! Stalin!"

i also told them about Cold Stone Creamery, since they have one at the mall near the theme park. i told them they could choose their own base ice cream flavor, select the ingredients they want inside, and make their very own custom flavor of ice cream. stunned by the breadth of choice, but willing to give it a go, yukimasa pantomimed obama and said with conviction, "Yes we can!"

we pulled up in the shadow of the Steel Dragon, the 1st longest and 5th tallest roller coaster in the world! holy crap! it was amazing. i have never lived anywhere near an amusement park, so it was an awesome sight. even more amazing, i was flirting with the idea of riding it! weird, since i'm the type who would usually flat out refuse and go ride the merry-go-round instead. generally i do not like feeling like i'm going to die. i do not want to know what it's like to fall out of a skyscraper. call me crazy.
the weather was perfect, and the park was virtually empty when we arrived. the kids were given the freedom to do as they pleased, and i set off with two teachers to explore the park. i knew if i didn't grab that faint desire to try a roller coaster quickly, it would disappear and i would feel disappointed in myself. after getting a smashing view of the entire park from the ferris wheel, naoko and i lined up for the White Cyclone, a beautiful wooden coaster. it was my first real roller coaster ever.
i wondered if i would scream; screaming seems to take a lot of energy to muster. we climbed the first hill slowly and passed the ominous "Do Not Stand Up" sign, and the rest is history. we plunged down the clackety wooden hill so quickly and got so much lift that i was sure we were going to rip right off the tracks. my screams came effortlessly. the ride was thrilling to the end because the supports keep you from really seeing what's coming next. several times you cross into the structure itself, and it feels like you're going to lose your head in the beams. my legs were shaking as we headed out of the ride, but it was way exhilarating! the only question was: did i have enough guts left for the big one?

we meandered slowly to the base of the huge Steel Dragon. i needed some time to gather my wits, and i wanted to watch the ride from below first. the first hill is the biggest one. the Steel Dragon drops you more than 30 stories at 95 mph! i was on the brink of just walking away, but i knew it was my only chance to go with my students and not have to wait in any lines, so we took the plunge. the climb is slow enough (almost a minute of suspense) to get a good view and get really scared. naoko kept saying how high it was, and i said nothing at all. they get you to the very top and stop the ride for a few seconds so you have to face the ground before hurling towards it. i think it was one of the most terrifying things i've ever experienced! after the first two drops, i knew the worst part was over, so i enjoyed the rest of the twists without fear. thankfully that was when they snap the picture, so i had a huge smile of relief.

the view from the bottom:

and from the top: (Lewis Boeve's photo)

my 15 minutes of flame

2008-11-03T16:49:00.007-07:00

due to the form-fitting and english-only nature of my real halloween costume ("Arms Race," see below), for school i once again donned the lolita garb for a new crop of freshmen. dressing up in this extreme fashion for school always makes me a bit nervous because it requires total commitment, and it's such a production! would the new principal flip? this year i skipped the fake hair since my own hair is long enough to curl, which made my day a little bit easier, but as i clomped down the hill in swishing skirts, be-ribboned within an inch of my life, i felt that familiar shot of adrenaline in preparation for the crazed havoc to come.
the other teachers, at least, must be used to my antics by now because there were only a few curious stares, and after i said "happy halloween" in the staff room, everyone chuckled and went back to their work. i went to class as usual, looking insane (but cute) since halloween isn't celebrated in japan. my third year students, who have had me all three years, weren't shocked, but one boy told me i was a dangerous beauty.
the first years weren't so blasé; they were all open-mouthed and squealing, and as soon as class adjourned, i was surrounded by frantic packs of them, camera phones blazing, shouting my name like the paparazzi to look their way. it spread like wildfire down the hallway as friends dragged other friends over to see what all the commotion was about. one girl was even following me down the hallway taking a video; it was crazy! i tried to capture some candid reactions, but i had some difficulty pointing my camera the right way. here's a short video of the tops of their heads.

later some third year boys came to visit, and i offered to take a picture with them, and they practically dove into the shot. i love the resulting photo; we look so classy!

i just realized i never posted last year's picture, so here it is too.

after school i changed into my other costume and drove up to matsusaka for the halloween party with the other JETs. i was SO surprised people didn't catch on right away, but everyone appreciated the work i put into customizing the dress, sewing the hands, etc. i even won a prize for most original, high five! ;)

niko-niko

2008-10-21T07:31:00.003-06:00

tuesday of midterms week. i sit and waste time while everyone else bustles around with thick bundles of tests bound through a corner hole with brown twine. the students head home (hallelujah half-days) before lunch and then we all have many hours to kill.
one of the pleasures of test time is that i can leave for lunch, so i walked to the bank today in the sunlight. the air felt like it was made of watercolor. it didn't exactly smell like the ocean, but it was a watery freshness that i've only experienced near the ocean. faintly i smelled old man cologne, the comforting smell of someone's father or grandfather, then maple syrup. i am surprised by my own reflection in a newly-cleaned window; its grimness betrays the heavy thoughts settled under my enjoyment of the day. i resolve to let those things melt and try to relax my expression.
two new, brightly-colored posters with children's faces are hung at waist-level on a grey wall. i marvel that they are undefaced and will likely remain that way, in spite of the hundreds of high schoolers who pass by them every day. japan is a different animal. even i am slightly tempted to moustache the posters, but i restrain the impulse.
on my way back, i stop to watch the baby minnows. the shallow water is so thick with them that it looks ropey and twists around itself. when i look up again, an old man is also looking down at them from a footbridge. my brief refreshment over, i expect the rest of the day to be mundane and tiresome, as most afternoons are past 2:30, when time officially stops.
however, i am surprised by the news that a teacher of qigong (i know, what?) is giving a workshop in the kendo room of the school. i have just eaten and am feeling lazy. i don't want to do martial arts or try to keep up in japanese, so i plan to give it a miss.
...but, my friend michiko wants to see what they're doing and i want to see the kendo room. we decide to 見るだけ (only look) and traipse up to the room. of course, when they see us peering in, they make place for us in the circle, and suddenly i am not so thrilled we came. with little ceremony (on second thought, maybe we missed that part since we were 15 minutes late), we are partnered up (i'm with michiko, since she can translate for me) and we begin...massage! if i had known it was going to be massage, i would have been the first in the door. i mean, this is japan; i haven't had any real physical contact in like two years!
as i look around at the faces of the attendees, i am stunned by who chose to come; our principal and vice-principal, mr. okuji (who i swore hated me for a year but who i eventually learned was just a "traditional japanese man" and whom i now adore), the nurse! there are men and women of all ages, and everyone looks ridiculously game, even giddy! it is a surprising sense of intimacy, looking around at my fellow teachers in their workout gear and 5-toed socks, ready to learn how to relax. even more surprising, no one balks at the men and women paired together, everyone blithely cooperates. there's plenty of laughter, and i'm shaking my head at this new facet of my coworkers.
we do shoulder and arm massages, feet, and legs. everyone looks at me to make sure i understand, mimicking the movements and contributing words until the whole room is focused on me and i blurt in japanese, "gotcha!" and everyone laughs. little do they know how much practice i have, but they all seem endearingly naive to the benefits of massage. i swear, most of them have never had one because they seem utterly surprised at how good it feels!
michiko is the quietest i've ever seen her (she's a little high-strung), and her eyes are glassy. i ask if she's ok and all she can say is 気持ちいい, "feels good." we all leave with big smiles on our faces, which in japanese is ニコニコ (niko-niko). best day at the office, ever.

my chunky darling

2008-10-05T06:06:00.004-06:00

have you ever tried dyeing your hair with a cow pie?
well i have.
my mom, the hairdresser, recently told me about some findings that a certain chemical in black hair dyes causes cancer. that isn't a huge leap in my mind; i mean they are chemicals, and one of the last things i want is a higher risk of cancer. she and i both dye our hair black, and we were both looking for an alternate solution. i bought the only black, chemical-free henna dye i could find before i headed back from the US this summer. a few days ago i gave it a shot.

what a monuMENTAL waste of time and energy. not only do you have to let the henna enjoy its coffee and news for three hours before you apply it, you can't use ANY metal instruments, bowls, clips, spoons, or even look at something metal the whole time. what's more, it smelled suffocatingly grassy, and it was the color and texture of a warm cow pie. delightful.

when it was finally time for the henna to crack its knuckles and get to work, i divided my hair off and started slopping the stuff on. it was thick and fibrous. chunks fell freely as i tried to work the thick stuff into my hair. i added water until it was the right texture, but it was still difficult getting it to adhere. i finally gave up on the chunks and just did the best i could to evenly apply it. THEN it began to drip. and drip. and drip. i couldn't keep up with the chunks flying and the drips snaking down my face, shoulders, and back.

i finally got the provided plastic bag around it, but then came the next ridiculous step--keeping it hot for twenty minutes or more. i was trying to aim the hairdryer into the plastic bag without melting it, prevent the drips from overflowing (not easy when the bag inflated from the hairdryer) and keep my hair warm enough to actually work. fail!
i finally got fed up and just wanted the filthy stuff OFF my head, screw the dye job. my hair was now nappy and disgusting and pretty water repellant. it took at least four washes to pry the plant bits off of my scalp.
in the end, my entire bathroom looked like it had been dive-bombed with dung, and i smelled like a feed lot for a week!

falling

2008-09-28T17:55:00.006-06:00

it's a grey monday, and the air smells like toasted marshmallows and campfire. the temperature dropped twenty degrees this weekend, and the mornings are stirred with chill. the air is drying up in the woodsmoke. i smiled to myself as i took the rubbish up to the bin this morning because i love fall even though it freezes into winter. at least i have my clear windows now!
the walls of my house are patrolled endlessly by tiny jumping spiders. last year i would have put them outside, but this year i don't care anymore. they are one of the least offensive arachnids i've encountered: too small to look horrible, they don't spin webs, and they do a funny little flex with their facial feelers which makes them look like tiny boxers preparing to scrap. i leave them alone to catch the other bugs. me and the spiders. i've been soo lucky this year and have only seen one (one!) mukade, and i'm hoping to keep it that way as long as possible.
saturday was a brilliant, sunny, chilly day--my favorite kind. i got up early and danced around the house in the sun. it was the kind of morning you want to do the crossword over coffee with your darling, full of fresh air and light. i like that "darling" is a word that has become synonymous with "boyfriend" in japan. friday i was asked, "darling imasuka?" i couldn't help smiling, but the answer was still, no, i don't have a darling. that's the same boy, who instead of saying, "joke! joke!" like most of my kids when they say something untrue, blurted out, "it's fiction!"
this year i have been really working on the ankle i injured several years ago in a skateboarding wreck. i want the mobility and strength back, so i've been running and stretching, running and stretching. i'm amazed what a difference it's made. it still aches, but i don't get foot cramps when i point my toes and faux-ballet around the room. i've been doing that a lot lately.
the barbecue/onsen party was interesting. after 45 hellish minutes in the back of a van on a narrow, twisy road that would make any sane person green, i emerged on shaky legs and stood forlornly in the forest. was it really worth it? mr. sugar turned to me and smiled in the faint light, "hi lauren."
the group was intimate by normal party standards, just nine people. we stood around some rustic picnic tables, and everyone rustled into action. i didn't know what to help with, so when someone brought a bench, i sat. soon there was fire and food. i was on the corner by mr. sugar. i marveled at his quiet conversation, that he seemed content to talk to me about pancakes. he was quietly, gently attentive. another beer, more vegetables, even noticing when i had bits of corn cob and pepper stems in my bowl and offering a place to discard them. i understand him less as time goes on, but i loved those sweet moments.
finally, just before the girls headed off to the onsen, kuma-san looked up with a rascally smile and told me there was a "konyoku," a bath where men and women could bathe together, and he pointed right at me and mr. sugar! in the midst of the translation, i didn't really have time to respond, and after a pause, mr. sugar spoke up in what i supposed at the time was a proxy response for me, "no thank you!" later, though, i wondered if that was really for himself, which made me a tiny bit sad.

the mongrel cat came home, holding half a head

2008-09-24T19:19:00.010-06:00

last night i had some bizarre dreams, bizarre like i used to have. bizarre like i have something going on in my head again. the first part was some older man in my life trying to marry me off to another older man who i only slightly knew. i started protesting, "but he's much too old!" and the man told me that "it doesn't matter to God." i'm sure it would matter to God that i didn't love him, though! my mom seemed to support this marrying-off thing. i was like, "but i'd much prefer a guy like joe," (an estimable friend from my real past, who ironically i dreamed years ago that i couldn't marry). their answer was, "but you don't know anyone else like joe."
part two we get to the serious stuff. i was over at a friend's house and discovered she had a face that looked just like mine, my "extra" face in a square aluminum pan. she gave it to me to care for. it was just the front half of my head, though i still had my own. it was heavier than i expected, and the back was open and exposed and vulnerable. i suppose that's how you attach it to your head if you need it... the poor thing looked hot and feverish, and i wondered how long it could survive like that. i put it in some cool water and soon it looked much better. it didn't look as feverish, and the lips were just a little chapped. i carried it away with me. i felt protective tenderness for it, but how do you care for just a face?
part three: i still lived in japan, so i wasn't familiar with many people. one of my friends died. her body was wrapped in plastic, and since there was no one else to respectfully treat her remains, i put her in a wheelbarrow and walked a long way through early winter streets to the cemetery, so i could bury her body. when i arrived, i realized i had forgotten a shovel. sigh. but then i ran into my friend sadye, and she had a shovel. i could see there were some bugs inside the plastic on the top of my friend's wool coat, and i was loath to see my friend's body touched by them when we put her in the ground.

that's it. i wasn't as disturbed by these dreams as i could have been. i was more grateful for them, because at least they're imaginative. what is my heart trying to tell me? the strongest thing i felt when i woke up was the need to start loving my face with the rest of me. i've always been happy with my body and displeased with my face. long and skinny with an under bite and too much chin, poor skin when i was younger, swampy eyes. but in my dream i was like, "it's a good face. and what's more, it's my face. who's going to care for if i'm not?"
i know, deeep. but it's true.

i was a little jumpy in my sleep due to a late-night nerds candy fix. sugar before bed, not a good idea. (oh the connotations that statement now reeks with!) i woke up when someone walked by my window about 4am, and then again several more times until my alarm finally went off. urgh. then i fretted over my lack of money and went to school.

when i got to school, i barely had a moment before a young teacher came down to invite me to a yakiniku/onsen party this evening. she began to list the people coming. the second person she mentioned was of the sucrose persuasion, so it was decided, of course i would go!
i recently got some information passed to me from one of the office girls that at the most recent enkai, she overheard an older man known as "kuma-san" (mr. bear) who was observing me talk with mr. sugar comment, "they look like they get along well. maybe they should get married." it happens to be kuma-san who told the teacher to invite me tonight. what's he playing at? it's probably nothing, but it's an unusual time for a party, so i am excited.

last week i was in the middle of composing a deflated post called "now sugar-free." it started, "it seems my last giddy post about mr. sugar was my last giddy post about mr. sugar." he almost visibly, physically ignored me for a month after our happy, comfortable baseball lesson. one day when we came face-to-face and i started to say hello, he gave me a look like he was drowning. i just kept walking. i mean, who does that!? it was just a hello. the next day when we passed, i gave him the stinkeye. maybe it was a subtle stinkeye, but it was still there. that night, i had a good cry and started to feel better. i embraced the idea that i can't force anything and don't want to waste time feeling sorry over some guy who can't pull it together enough to figure out if he likes me.
the very next day, dressed in a slate blue shirt that was dead sexy against his dark skin (sorry, it's a fact), i looked up to find him waving from across the room. what is it with that wave!? it gets me every time. i waited several minutes and then went over and we talked for a bit. it settled me on many levels. i guess it is unlikely we will be anything more than sometimes friends, but i feel better about that since then. it felt less final than the drown-face.

one of the things i told him was that i have decided to take the JLPT, a japanese language test. finally, i have started setting some goals. having this to work toward has made a huge difference in my life. i have also been feeling like it's time to write my book, i finally have something to say again. my voice comes in fits and starts, but like a temperamental fountain pen, it's getting stronger the more i scratch it across the paper.

home again home again, jiggety jig

2008-09-03T02:15:00.008-06:00

when i boarded the plane to fly home this summer, i was staggered by how close together the seats were back in regular price land. not first class, business, or even "economy plus," the seats were unbelievably crammed. now you have to pay extra just so your legs won't fall asleep! i've made this flight several times by now, and i was certain this was a new low. i even checked the air and light panels above to see if they had just moved the seats back a few notches to fit more people in! when i sat down, my knees actually touched the seat in front of me until i took out the magazines in the seat pocket. it was going to be a long flight.
four hours later i decided, as i stared at the "moving" map of our progress across the ocean while waiting for another movie to start, that this is a special form of torture. it's like being forced to watch the slowest download in the world. ooh, a whole 12% complete! only 640 hours to go!
mt. fuji

but home was still there when i arrived.
i had this fear as a child that i would go on a trip and return a few days later, only to find my family long gone and everything changed because i had really been gone 30 years. i also feared at one point that my mom had been replaced with a very convincing double who would eventually kidnap me and replace me too, but that was because of Get Smart. thank you Nick at Nite.
so i've not been living in the US for two years now. that is apparently how long it takes to completely lose the ability to cope with bad customer service. without fail i leave the nagoya airport feeling peaceful and respected as a customer, and arrive in san francisco to be dismantled by the security personnel screaming in my docile face to "MAKE TWO LINES!!" or something like that. i wonder what it must be like to have never experienced america and have that be your introduction to it! are we really that unruly? after 15 hours of travel, does it really take all of your lung power to get me in a line? i would have done anything for the promise of a face cloth or extra deodorant.

ahh, america! the country where my hair looks good.

perplexing service people, a favorite pastime...

2008-09-03T01:43:00.011-06:00

...second only to trying genghis khan-flavored caramels. i kid you not. actually, the meat and onion caramels were pretty good, like a tiny little willy wonka meal.

ugh. i will try to ignore how gross i feel right now and write this, because there are many little things to talk about, and i haven't really been getting them up lately.
so, in my never ending quest to make grammatically perfect japanese sentences (yeah right), or at least ones that aren't complete gibberish, i was preparing to ask the old man of ye corner office supply store what colors of plastic tape he had. was it nan iro, nani iro, donna iro? i cross-referenced my handy online dictionary to see if the combination of characters meant something other than what i hoped to say. nani is used all the time and means "what," and iro means "color." this was the result:

(nani) 何【なに; なん】 (int,n) (1) what; (pref) (2) (なん) how many (some counter); (col) euph. for genitals or sex

seriously?

(iro) 色【いろ】 (n) (1) colour; color; (2) sensuality; lust; (adj-f) (3) various

what!? so i could conceivably be saying "what color?" or "genital sensuality!" you can see the kind of danger that awaits me around every corner.

i often order books on amazon.jp because japan still believes you will pay Cash On Delivery shipments. i order the books i want, and when they deliver them to my school, i pay the delivery guy. just like a pizza! the one thing i always forget is that they call me a few minutes before they deliver to let me know they're coming. usually i miss the call because i'm in class, but last time i heard my phone ring and answered. a mistake? maybe. the guy said some LOONG something about who he was (i guess?), but i heard the word "amazon," so i figured it out. he paused. i said a very tentative (if you had looked up the word tentative, this would've been the example) hai...
it seems like all people ever say on the phone in japan is hai. people have entire conversations made of the word hai! this seemed to be an acceptable answer, so he said something else, even longer!
and paused.
i tried another tenuous, hai..... he continued! what on earth could he possibly be telling me about a single book delivery!? another pause.
this time it was more of a hai? i was losing faith that we would ever reach a conclusion. i was going to be trapped on the phone forever, understanding nothing, blindly agreeing. finally he said something i did understand, so i got to say with conviction, sou desu. "that's true." and then i got to hang up.

my last story of the day is how to be lazy and solve problems with your digital camera. i always have my camera with me, always. i've gotten into the habit of taking pictures of anything i find amusing, to share with you later (see the vibrating worm video below).
i was at the home store to buy a shelf for my shower room. i found the shelf i wanted, but it was cheaper than i remembered. i realized they had replaced the old price tag with a new one, cool, a discount! but i have often found that these "new" prices don't get rung up correctly (and without the ability to really explain, i usually let it slide), so for the hell of it, i took a picture of the shelf with the new price tag. when i got to the front, sure enough, the old price came up. i was like, wait. then i showed the guy the picture. ha! he called someone to check on the price and finished ringing up my other stuff. then we stood there awkwardly, and i could just imagine him thinking, "why on earth--? how did she--?" and i just stood there and quietly smirked. and then i got my discount.

and here is some fun...there has been a massive hatch of these caterpillars all over town, and i discovered they will writhe around or vibrate if you blow on them, and i think it's dead hilarious.

break out

2008-08-31T03:47:00.006-06:00

we've had a sudden outbreak of grey weather; today was like day ten of unflinching dark skies. i don't mind actual rain, but this was beginning to remind me of those endless, dull tacoma days where rain happens at some point every day, but mostly it just hangs over you like guilt.
i decided to go for a run in the misting morning. i got a sluggish start on the sea wall and passed a few old couples crotcheting along with umbrellas. soon the ipod music entered my bloodstream, though, and i was picking my feet up with a little more enthusiasm.
i haven't really been setting goals for myself the last few years, and that's starting to bother me. i should be doing many things: studying japanese, planning my future, planning my lessons. i thought maybe i should try to run for twenty minutes without stopping. might as well start now. for someone with asthma, that can be easier said than done, but it's much easier at sea level. i had a go at it.
the air was heavy and smelled raw and spicy, like kimchi. hawks hovered overhead. before i really even felt like i had settled into my rhythm, i thought i could spot the foggy, distant end of the sea wall looking...a lot less distant. perhaps i could make it all the way to the end without stopping! pretty amazing, considering i used to run on the sea wall last year and wouldn't even make it to the end. i did make it, and then i walked the entire way back, which took forever. hips aching and soaked with sweat and rain, i passed the old man i had run by at first. he gave me a sunny smile and encouraged me to ganbaru (persevere) as he pantomimed running. i loved that.
inspired by the smell of the air, i ate kimchi with my brunch, and finally the sun made an appearance.
one benefit of the rain is some summer days that masquerade as cool, so my impulse to knit kicked in super early, and i'm half done with a pair of mittens. i also made some winter miso soup tonight (potato and chinese cabbage), and it was delicious.

school starts tomorrow, SIGHHHH, but i also managed to not procrastinate all weekend, so now i have time to watch tv and knit some more. later!

the hypochondriac is IN

2008-08-22T00:27:00.005-06:00

well it seems my challenge this year is to not freak out every time i have a little health problem. last night, for instance, i removed my contact lenses and my left eye was blurry. i blinked many times, but the blur wouldn't move or change. i washed my eye repeatedly; no change. so i got all tense and gaspy and worried about the other eye, viruses, blindness, etc. when i woke up, it was fine.
i wish i could say that this is an anomaly, but ever since i came to japan and feared for my life during a surprise asthma attack my second week here, with no phone, knowing no japanese, and having no transportation...i've been a lot more stressed about my health. it doesn't help to know that the medical care in this area of japan is not exactly competitive or cutting edge.
last weekend the problem was my toenail, which was getting ingrown and infected due to some shoes i will never wear again, ever...maybe (well, they're really cute shoes). anyway, it was a holiday and i was hoping to leave it be, but it was getting red, white and weird-looking, and hey, i don't wanna go septic on the weekend. the office lady was really worried too, and she basically annoyed me into going to see her friend the doctor. he was kindly-gruff and a little too eager with the "you want me to cut it?"
"no! i do not want you to cut it! do i have a choice?"
he sighed and sat back, "well, i'll just give you some antibiotics then," clearly disappointed!
but what i realized when i got home and had already taken the first pill, i'm allergic to a certain antibiotic, and he didn't ask me if i had any medication allergies. oh no! Girl Dies From Common Antibiotic; Office Lady Plagued With Guilt, "I made her go to the doctor!" turn page for story.
but guess what? i lived.
i've just never been on such a hair-trigger for panic.
other things i've had this year: a whole day of a rushing sound in one ear, unexplained dizziness, strange impressions on my skin in the morning (bugs laying eggs in my arm? no, just sleeping on a button), CLEM the friendly fatty tumor, and a TSS scare.
i am just so much fun!

i will leave you with this dinosaur comic:

getting schooled

2008-08-19T17:53:00.006-06:00

today was my date with the business end of a baseball. i thought it was supposed to be Easy, Happy, Fun Time with the eminent mr. sugar, but he informed me that one of the students would be teaching me how to pitch. hunh!? i didn't understand why he wouldn't take the chance himself, but since i dearly love the student who'd be teaching me, i felt ok...as in, full of anxiety and adrenaline OK. i mean, i didn't really want to face my humiliation in front of a team who practices from dawn to dark on a daily basis.

every year on my birthday, i choose a new theme for the year. this year's theme is More Risks. in other words, i need to stop imagining possible failures and just try things, follow my heart, let go of control. this was a very good exercise of that principle if nothing more. i kept reminding myself that i have zero experience in baseball; i am a baseball baby. i haven't learned to walk or talk, so i can't expect to just be good at it. i have never played more than a game or two of long-forgotten P.E. softball, and i certainly never pitched. the only thing i used to do, which motivated this great baseball education, was to throw the ball as high and straight into the air as i could and then catch it. i wasn't too bad at catching, but one missed ball nearly knocked me senseless on the front lawn. actually throwing to someone is an entirely different thing. a harder thing.

in preparation for this event, i retired to the sports park yesterday for a nerve-busting workout. i had been feeling pretty wound up for several days anyway, so some hard running in an un-airconditioned! gym was just what i needed? is airconditioning for losers?? turn it ON, people. it doesn't cost that much. this is like the hottest place in the world.
anyway, after that i sheepishly shuffled over to an empty field and tried my hand at pitching, based on some internet pointers. i was a giant bag of crap at pitching. it was less throwing the ball than disgusting the ball so much that it was desperate to fly in any direction to get away from me. about 85 percent of the balls went too far left, 5 percent went straight into the ground, and the remaining 10 percent went approximately where i wanted. i won't say i didn't improve. there were one or two pitches that may have been considered good if they hadn't been vastly accidental. that day didn't do much to alleviate my nerves for the next, but at least i managed not to hurt myself too badly. *stretch-stretch*
then it started to pour. in seconds, all the random people who had been milling around the area were under eaves, and i laughed madly from the center of the field. it felt amazing! the rain pelted down and soaked me utterly. i jumped and danced and did handstands and brushed the hair and mascara out of my eyes, and kept throwing. it lightened my heart and eased my body. it reminded me who i am. it reminded me that in a culture where i often feel confused and excluded because i look different and can't speak eloquently, i am still myself. my essence is in tact, and that more than anything gave me courage for today.

so today my name was called by mr. sugar, and we made our way to the field.
nervous? yes. ready?

yes.

he let me choose my glove and ball. i shook my head in embarassment at the five guys sitting around who would be witnessing thegirl getting schooled in baseball. the boy who was supposed to teach me was nowhere in sight. mr. sugar stepped up to the plate, har har har har har. i think he was surprised to find i had never played any sport ever, least of all baseball. i could see NOVICE register in his eyes. he thought i had more experience.

in very respectable english, he explained stance and grip. we tried a few. they were weak. my body just didn't know when to let go. it was a lot to think about, too. at least i didn't have any problems catching the return balls. he told me a few more pointers...my shoulders should rotate at the same time; my hips should follow that same movement; i should look straight at him to aim. they were a little better, but i was getting bogged down in the explanation. then we found the magic formula; he taught me the wind up, and we did it together like mr. miyagi and the karate kid. snap! the next pitches were momentously easier to throw and went farther and straighter. it was a tremendous transformation (in my humble opinion). that's what a good teacher can do. mr. sugar was gentle and patient and encouraging, which is funny since he's known as a hard-ass coach and teacher. i pitched for an hour, determined to keep trying even after i got tired and sore. he traded off with several boys on the team who seemed to enjoy playing with me. they were really sweet too, those dear baseball boys. more and more of the team arrived and greeted me in stunned english when they registered my presence.
when i looked at the time, i was shocked to find i was having so much fun that i had completely missed lunch! i hadn't noticed even once how hungry i was. mr. sugar and i sat down and rested for a bit and talked easily. he said i couldn't throw at all when i started that day (no argument there), and by the end i was a good pitcher. he said i should join their team. haha. i said i'd need to practice batting next if that was the case. it was amazing to be in that space, relaxed in the dirt with the boys all around, a place that has felt secret and closed off from me since i came here. as we walked back across the field, talking, smiling, i couldn't help but stand a little taller as i slipped even more back into the me i used to know, and it fit like a glove. ;)

oh, but getting off a sweaty shirt and sports bra with two weak, sore arms proved to be the surprise challenge of the day.

i guess i'll die another day

2008-07-29T21:36:00.004-06:00

well, (thank God!) Clem has been groped and prodded by numerous doctors, sonogramed, and it seems he will be with me for the time being. with the liability so many health professionals must feel, it seems they will scarcely say anything definite, but the surgeon who ordered the ultrasound vaguely supposed Clem is a harmless fatty tumor (i know, gross). that was the best of all the options, though, so it will do. the most wonderful people in the whole experience were the sonogram techs and the radiologist (i guess it isn't a crime to be a radiologist and have a personality). they were all puzzled by the elusive, invisible Clem, but they said it didn't look like a hernia (certain surgery averted) and it wasn't a lymph gland (read: not cancer). phew. the radiologist (whose name was Dr. Rohren--curiously close to what i'm called in japan) went to grade school in japan when he was a child! so cool! he was the person who really made me feel reassured.
it was the first sonogram i'd ever had, and it was kind of exciting and oddly relaxing at the same time. the gel they put on my stomach was warm, and it was so weird to watch the hollow oceans and dark echoes of my guts. it really does look like deep underwater, with strands of light.
anyway, thank you so much! it looks as though i really will be able to return to japan on time, for which i am profoundly grateful. now i just have to wait for the medical bills to come flooding in.

the visitor

2008-07-28T23:09:00.002-06:00

well, something is awry in my guts. it's a lump in my abdomen that i've named Clem. Clem has been with me for at least several months, and mostly hasn't given my much trouble. tomorrow i'm hoping to find out more about Clem's nature and what we can do about him.
dear Lord, please kill Clem. without surgery. please let him not be serious trouble. please let me be able to return to japan in two weeks, healthy. i realize you are not bound by my limited imagination for solutions. amen.
if you're the praying type, hit me with your best shot. thanks.

the longest movie never made

2008-07-22T22:26:00.011-06:00

so i promised to tell you the whole story. i'll try not to belabor you with the infinite details, as i have done to the people i've already told aloud (sorry friends, the Great Minutia Catcher has to unload somewhere). some of this story you may already know. if you need to catch up, search for "wisteria" in my blog and read the previous entries.
so this is the story of a boy and thegirl. it's the slowest story ever told. if it were a movie, you would have given up watching hours ago, called your friend to say "never rent that movie Thegirl Meets Mr. Sugar, 'cause i only made it halfway through the first disk, and nothing happened. why does everyone think slow movies are so artistic!?" and your friend would say, "well, i did like Lost In Translation, and it was slow," and you'd reply, "oh, i liked that too, but this is totally different. how on earth did this movie ever get made!?" then you would have drunk some herbal tea and gone to bed. but this is my life, a movie i'm part of, and i have the time to sit around and see what happens.
[after the initial meeting/four months of awkwardness/slow reconnection]
as the year wore on, every enkai gave me a better opportunity to talk with mr. sugar. it seemed like we both welcomed the chance, and slowly i was getting to know him. we could even have a little casual conversation at school, only for a moment, but it felt more comfortable.
finally, about two weeks ago we had another enkai. this time i was determined to find out something real. i wasn't sure what, exactly, but something. i finally made my way over to his table in the confusion of tipsy, boisterous teachers. we started to talk. we were only interrupted when his very drunk friend spied us chatting and pointed suddenly across the table with a friendly, accusatory finger and blurted, "HE'S SINGLE! HE'S NICE GUY!"
i had found my something real. not hiding a wife or girlfriend at home, mr. sugar is single (and i'd like to presume for the moment, heterosexual). ending the night with several vague promises to do things together (or at least in the vicinity of one another), i glowed home. but would the next day prove to be that ice-water wake-up call? enkai promises are often forgotten or ignored embarrassedly in the daylight hours.
within seconds of the 8:30am bell, mr. sugar had placed a brand new baseball in my hand--a promise that i had completely forgotten! he had said he would give me a baseball with our school name on it, and he did. (he's the baseball coach, see?) grabbing the moment of fulfilled promise, i asked if he would be able to teach me some kanji. he agreed.
i was a mess of adrenaline and hard heartbeats waiting for our first kanji lesson. for the next hour, i jumped when anyone came near my desk and felt positively silly for doing so. i finally realized he wasn’t coming, so i relaxed. then i looked up and there he was. “sorry.” he had been too busy with baseball practice. i waited for him to dash off, but he didn’t; he stayed. along with my best friend teacher, we talked and laughed for the next hour and a half! at school! sober! finally, i was too hungry to stay any longer. he asked if i had time to try our lesson early the next week. of course!
our first lesson was exhausting! we were trying so hard, and neither of us really had a clear direction. i kept up as well as i could, but finally i told him to please write the finished character and then teach me how to write it. we started getting the hang of it. after an hour and a half of that, we sat back and just talked. he stayed at my desk until i headed out for lunch. we met again the next day. this time we talked a whole lot more than we studied. i learned about his family and friends, we harassed each other, and at long last i felt like i had met the real mr. sugar.
but...i was set to fly home in two days. a three-week interruption, WHY NOW!? on the morning of my last day, he brought me the sweets i wrote about in my last post. that felt like the most concrete sign that something had truly changed. no longer afraid to speak to me at school, he had sat for hours at my desk that week in full view of everyone. his little food present was the nicest goodbye, and it was completely unexpected. i’m not fooling myself into believing this means anything specific, just that after all this time, he feels some sort of friendship with me. for now that is enough. i hope when i return to japan, what little momentum we gained is not lost. i hope he misses me a little.

victory is mine saith the Lord. and, uh, i'm saying it too.

2008-07-09T22:33:00.009-06:00

july: something is blooming near my house that smells like honeycomb, and i sniff the air deeply on my way to and from work every day. i've never been able to discover where the smell originates, as there are only verdant green plants everywhere and no visible flowers other than things i know, like hydrangeas. the cicadas are getting in some practice, and there are still pools of cooler, unhumid air swirling around that make the heat feel ok. they finally turned the air conditioner on at school, too. when the days are not oppressive with pre (or post) rainstorm mugginess, i really love this time of year.
in summer, japan takes on the character most alien to my own experience of nature--(due to my upbringing in the dry mountains and desert)--the character of jungle, that is. vines plummet with new growth off of lights and electrical lines, grabbing for my hair, oranges fatten on the trees, and it becomes more and more difficult to breathe the heavy air. it's like trying to aspirate honey. but it's exciting. i never know what i'll see every day, from a black and white striped beetle (like this morning) to a brilliant white egret in the canal (this afternoon.) and the first mukade of the season, which i've been waiting for and subsequently killed.

but that's just the setting to this story. i look forward to telling it all to you soon, but i'm afraid i must pack now to visit home, so it will have to wait a bit longer. it starts with a girl and a boy and a chirstmas party chat. after seven long months underground (when i thought it must be dead), it has finally began producing some interesting fruit: a baseball!
what was the first word i saw when i unwrapped that baseball (after 'Made In China')?

victory!

this morning, a bright-eyed mr. sugar (formerly known to you as mr. wisteria), rather than nodding to me professionally or not at all, as is typical, came over to my desk, mouthed "good morning" and waved a cute little wave. he then brought me sweets as a present! you may not think this is a big deal. but it is a BIG DEAL. just believe me. i'll explain later.

what's with today today?

2008-07-02T18:40:00.005-06:00

today^[1] marks the beginning of something not nearly as exciting as Shark Week, but it takes just as long.....it's Termite Week! warm weather and big rains are ideal conditions for colonizing termites who climb through the screens into my house, drop their wings, and wriggle disgustingly over every surface. thankfully the first big rain week this year was interrupted by some sunny days, so many hopefuls were discouraged from their mission. i've learned termites must maintain contact with some source of water. now they're getting almost too big to fit through my screens.
flying termites do not bite, small consolation when you wake up with them crawling on you in bed. in my endless saga of insect infestations, this is just one more chapter i've grown accustomed to. encouragingly there are faaar fewer than last year before the exterminators came, but like last year, of course, they emerged the one weekend i had company coming. since they are able to squeeze through the screens during a time when the heat of summer has truly begun, Termite Week has now also begun to symbolize Air Conditioner Week too, as closing the windows makes it unbearably hot.

^[1]
ok, it isn't really "today" anymore, it was two weeks ago that i started this, but "two weeks ago" doesn't have the same sense of immediacy. and the termites are still doing their thing, so it's still relevant.

speaking of butter

2008-07-01T19:15:00.000-06:00

this is one of the reasons i think my mom should come to japan...precut butter slices! my mom loves to freeze food, cut it into slices, or divide it into individual servings. many years ago, i was going to make grape juice popsicle cubes for summer, so i turned a full ice tray over into the sink. as i ran some hot water over the cubes, instead of melting, they began to turn white and solid!! what the...!? she had frozen egg whites into individual servings!
i've seen her slice a Snickers bar into slices and enjoy every one slowly. she never needs very much of a treat because she makes it last insanely long. that's perfect for japan! small treats in abundance!

another reason she should visit is something called annindoufu. i've been in japan two years, and i've only just discovered it. though it doesn't look like much, it's paradise in a plastic cup. imagine the smoothest, not-too-sweet, almond-flavored panna cotta, and you're getting close. a kind of tofu pudding flavored with apricot seed oil, it is my current obsession.

and finally...clothes that fit tiny people! when i was young, i wanted to be as tall as my mom because she seemed taller than most of her women friends. when i outgrew her by three inches, i realized just how tiny she really is! she's also thin with narrow shoulders...the perfect body type to find ample wardrobe choices in japan.

hmm...not to mention the joys of japan's cleanliness stratosphere. like me, my mom could truly appreciate how spotless every hotel room surface is, since she's the one who raised me with such a keen eye and hunger for the immaculate. in fact, the japanese word for beautiful, kireii, also means clean. beauty = clean. mama, this country was made for us!