Monday, December 13, 2010

looking glass girl

after almost half a decade in japan, it feels shocking to wear shoes inside, and i had to call my mom to ask if you really throw light bulbs away in the regular trash. happily i found japanese rice at the store and have had a pot of miso soup in my fridge constantly since i returned.
three weeks! so much has happened. i started a part time job at photo shop, bought a car, moved into my housesitting house, and immediately started having car trouble. i already feel like i’ve been gone for months, which makes me sad. some nights it comes back strong, though…just the simple memory of riding the train home or going to the grocery store…the familiar places that are 6000 miles away.
in many ways i’ve been blessed: the car is fixed enough for now; the house where i’m living gives me the space and financial freedom i need during this transition; the job has been a surprising delight; and i’m still healthy and not totally broke (yet). in spite of all that, it’s hard not to feel aimless and fearful about the future. where am i going? my immediate practical needs have demanded most of my energy and thought, but when i have a little time, a big question mark curls through my head like a black snake.
this morning, a bit too tired, i unexpectedly connected with the feeling of loss that lingers around me like smoke and burst into tears. with virtually all of my possessions still on a ship somewhere, my days have felt robbed of memories; the present is so present. it felt good to cry about it, to miss my friends and the place i carved out there.

1 comment:

  1. it's good to cry! i don't blame you. you should and deserve to. it's a huge transition. wish i could give you a bear hug.